This Fatal Wound
by ultimateromantic
Summary: EB Edward returns; Bella moved on. Informed of threats on her life, Edward vows to stay & defend her even as her enemy, friend at best, whether against a jealous Jacob or vampires. How can he protect her when she is no longer his to protect? RxR please!
1. Ch 01: Walls

_Roxane: His face is like yours, burning with spirit and imagination. He is proud and noble and young and fearless and beautiful-  
Cyrano: Beautiful?  
Roxane: Yes. What's wrong?  
Cyrano: With me? Nothing. It's only... only... This fatal wound." Act 2, pg. 60_

Chapter 1: Walls

The song of the birds rang in my ears even at night. It was mating season. How many of them were singing alone into the night? How many of those poor creatures were destined to never find peace with their perfect match?

´Just a few minutes more,´ I repeated again in my mind as the moon began to peak over the tropical trees.

Just a few minutes more, and I would have another precious moment with my Bella.

Of course, the anticipation was tainted, for it wasn´t Bella in the flesh I would lay eyes upon, but rather a ghost of her, a singular photograph I had taken away at the last minute before my departure from her life. I know I could have taken so many more from the stack she had given me to mail to her mother, but aside from stealing, it didn´t seem right to remove anything else from her precious life, her memories of youth. The lone picture I had wasn´t taken from the box now tucked away between her floorboards either. She was not the only one who received pictures from the prom.

I had kept the photo in a frame in my room, but it never held as much importance to me as it did now. It didn´t matter that there was no light for miles in this jungle. I would still be able to see it perfectly. I refused to look upon it save for a moment every night, hoping that the need to look at it again would keep me moving, day after day. If I continued to look at it forever, then there really was nothing left to hope for. My only solace was that I would be able to look upon that face again tomorrow. That and finding the vampire woman who still posed a threat to her life.

The moonlight was almost right. Another reason I refused to look until this moment was that even as a photograph, the moonlight made her look especially radiant. I wanted to always remember her at her happiest, not at those final moments when she looked just about as heartbroken as I felt. Whenever I thought of her, I tried not to think about her tears, the pleading look in her eyes as she begged me not to go. I tried not to remember how easy it was for her to believe that I didn´t love her anymore. Instead, I tried to remember watching her peaceful face as she dreamed happy dreams. For this reason, I laid on the ground, even though it didn´t make any difference to my physical state. I did so only so I could reminisce. I couldn´t dream, but I could daydream. I could go back to a time where I was the luckiest of men, watching over this picture-perfect girl in her slumber. It brought very little comfort. By the end, I only remembered the agony, but the pain was worth it for a few moments in memory of her.

The time had come. I delicately removed the picture from my jacket. I had taken special care not to damage it. The material was still crisp. I moved it into position, the one position where I knew the light would be just perfect. Even this would change. The moon´s orbit was not permanent. It too would migrate, and one day I would even lose this small comfort… on the night of a new moon. But it didn´t matter. It kept me going for another day, and that was all that mattered.

The moment had begun. I set my gaze upon the photo and once again committed every detail of her to memory. I had looked at this picture so many times, I had memorized every miniscule pixel, but I never tired of it. She still took my breath away. As much as she had dreaded going to prom, I had to admit she looked… happy. The blue of her dress and the cream of her light jacket lit up her skin perfectly. I had told her to smile, and without needing to be told twice, she did. I had been too dazzled by her smile to look towards the camera myself.

Dazzled… She had always described her reaction to me in that way. Did she have any clue how dazzling she was to me? No, clearly she didn´t, when she had so little faith in my love for her. I cringed and tried to force myself to think of something more positive. I couldn´t waste this precious time thinking about the end.

I still had the feeling that this night meant more to me than it did to her, even though I had forced her to go so as to not miss out on a human experience. I know she went more for my sake than for hers. Be that as it may, I recalled the night with perfect detail. My arms remembered the feeling of holding her as we danced carefully. My throat remembered the common burn of her presence and the aftertaste of her blood from less than a month prior. My lips recalled the soft warmth of her skin, as I could never get enough of tasting her.

Unfortunately, I also remembered my annoyance- for lack of a better term- with the stares and fantasies of the various male students. The Quileute boy was surprisingly the most annoying, not only because he had stolen a dance with her, but because his thoughts of her were sweet, rather than corrupt. I didn´t know which was worse: hearing the sexual fantasies of the boys who could never hope to earn her affections, or hearing the thoughts of an innocent teenage crush from a boy who she liked in a small way.

I didn´t want to think about this, and I tried hard to focus on something else, but all I could see was the future I both hoped for and dreaded. My Bella, only no longer my Bella, in the arms of someone else, someone who loved her desperately, someone who she loved desperately in return. I tried to be happy with that image, but in my selfishness I could not. The closest I had ever come to a nightmare was imagining her once again walking down the aisle in a flowing white dress, looking just as beautiful as she did in this picture. Her hand being placed into the hand of her human groom, looking so perfect side by side it made me feel violently sick. And I imagined myself standing before them, only invisible to everyone, pounding against an invisible wall that kept her from me. My vampire strength meant nothing, for the wall refused to give. If it had been real, if the obstacles between us were as simple as an invisible wall, I would have found any means necessary to tear it down. However, the separation between us was too big to be breached, and there was nothing physical for me to fight against to make it better.

Even wanting for her to move on, a part of me hoped that she missed me even slightly as much as I missed her. I knew she was human and that time would eventually heal her wounds, but I still desperately hung to the belief that her love would be as eternal as mine. What a foolish thing to hope for. I said myself that I would take myself completely out of her existence. It would be best if she completely forgot about me. How I managed to not go insane from these two conflicting desires, I´ll never know.

I even wished that I could forget, from time to time. Such moments rarely lasted. In spite of the excruciating pain, I wouldn´t trade my moments with her for anything in the world. Yet even that was a lie. I would trade them if I could be reincarnated as a human, just so I could be beside her without risking her life. I would trade them all away if I could guarantee her safety and happiness. Nothing that exists or ever existed mattered more than that.

The moonlight faded once again behind the trees, and I obediently put the photo back into my jacket, right next to my heart. It hurt to put it away, but I had to be diligent. If I allowed myself any slack, I would falter in my resolve to stay away.

Every day it got worse. The desire to run back to Washington had my muscles tense, as though my very body needed it. Every day new excuses came to mind. I would just stop in to check on her. Just a little peek into her window. But I knew that wouldn´t be enough. Soon it would be just one more night watching her, then one more night lying beside her in bed, then one more kiss, and then eternity wouldn´t be enough for me.

I stared up at the stars with my back to the ground, not caring how it would dirty my clothing. I only focused on every positive memory I could grasp, tried to remember that brief moment of bliss in my existence. While I should have been grateful to have been blessed with that much, the agony was too great to overcome. I knew only partly what my future held. In a few minutes, I would continue my quest to find and destroy Victoria. Once that was over with, I didn´t know how I was going to keep myself away from Forks. I didn´t know anything anymore.

The ring from my phone was loud enough to stop the chirping of nearby crickets. It was amazing I even got reception in a place like this, no matter how small. However, it only rang once. The call had been lost. The caller ID read "Rosalie", and I groaned. She was the absolute least person I wanted to talk to. Her attitude about Bella pushed me to the limits of tolerance.

Still, I hadn´t spoken to anyone in the family for a while, and I knew they had to be worried. Even if it was Rosalie, I might as well update someone on my situation. Rio de Janeiro was a very short distance away. I would surely get good enough reception there.

As soon as I entered the borders of the city, I dialed the number. Unlike the others, Rosalie always let the phone ring a few times before answering. Every aspect of her personality was based on making people wait on her, including waiting for her to respond. I found myself considering that I should have called Carlisle instead. No matter. I suspected this conversation wouldn´t be long. Rosalie´s banter could only be tolerated for a few minutes.

"Edward," she said curtly as she picked up.

"What is it, Rosalie?" I responded in my usual bored tone. I knew that always got to her, and I didn´t much care that it would annoy her.

"You could be a little more courteous to me. The rest of the family wants to keep secrets from you, but at least I have the decency to be honest."

No. Rosalie was just too self-centered to worry about the feelings of others. If the family was keeping something from me, she would surely jump on the chance to make my life harder. "How kind," I mused dryly, "So what´s the big secret?"

"It´s that Bella Swan."

I hissed through my teeth. It was hard enough for me to say her name out loud, but the ice of Rosalie´s voice made the name sound like poison. She may be feigning kindness, but she had zero sympathy. To say the name of my beloved with such distain was torture. I never wanted to hear Rosalie utter anything about Bella again.

When I spoke, my voice was a broken hiss, "I told you not to pry into her life anymore."

After all, I had no more say concerning her life. I couldn´t keep regarding Bella as though she were mine. The lump in my throat made it hard to breathe, and somehow I needed air in my lungs to displace the void inside me.

"Calm down. We didn´t do anything. You know Alice can´t help it when she has a vision."

So that was it? She had a vision about Bella. A part of me was dying to know what was happening in Bella´s life, but still I knew that hearing about it would break me down. "Then tell Alice she has to stay out of Bella´s life, like I told all of you to do. No going off to look for her. And you can stop telling me things I have no business hearing about."

I shouldn´t know anything that was going on in her life. What kind of vision was it? Had Bella moved on with her life? Did she find someone else? I didn´t want to hear it, let alone think about it, but I didn´t expect she´d have to wait long for men to flock to her. No one could deny that she was beautiful, smart, all-around good. I just hoped that someone found her who could adore everything about her. Someone who could give her all the things I couldn´t. In spite of my horrible pain at the thought, I wanted to imagine that she would have a long and wonderful future.

"You have got a lot of nerve talking to me that way." Her anger was no surprise. "This family has been torn apart by your selfishness. And a whole lot of good it did too. That girl was too stupid to get over it."

I suddenly tensed. "What are you talking about?"

I didn´t even have a moment to consider what she could have been talking about, didn´t have a moment to brace myself before she uttered the words, her voice suddenly softer.

"Bella is dead, Edward. She killed herself."

Somehow… I couldn´t comprehend the words for many seconds afterwards. As though I didn´t understand the words she was speaking. Then with every passing second, the meaning settled in. Initially I didn´t feel anything. It was like both the world and my mind had just shut down. I couldn´t even hear the wind. Moments later, it felt as though I had a pulse. It was like there was blood rushing in my veins again, rushing impossibly fast. The new sensation was painful. The rush was tearing open the insides of my every cell.

Seconds more, and the panic erupted in my heart. Both panic and disbelief. I was so certain that my chest had just caved in on itself and my body lurched. To the people on the street, I must have looked like I was about to have a seizure, but I was blinded from the sight of them. My eyes saw nothing except the face of Bella, somehow disappearing.

"You´re lying," I whispered, somehow calmly, but then my voice exploded in a shake, "YOU´RE LYING!"

And then I had to remember that I was being watched, but I could not. I didn't even know if someone in the area spoke English and would be able to discern what was happening, but for the life of me, I could not pay them any mind. My whole body felt like it was melting. Emotions rushed through me so fast I didn't even have the chance to have a full reaction.

"Alice saw her jump off a cliff," Rosalie said, simply. "She knew she wouldn´t be in time, but… she went back to Forks to help her father."

I didn´t need to read minds. I could picture the horror right in front of me. I couldn´t even stop it. Never in my darkest of imaginations had I conjured up such a sight; my dearest love leaping to her death, tumbling downwards with no one to catch her, when months ago I would have been the one to swoop down to her rescue. My mouth was posed to scream out, to stop her, to say anything to make this sight go away, but I couldn´t make a sound as she vanished from existence. The very thing that lit up my world with music and joy… The one truth that kept my feet on the ground; that kept the world from collapsing around me…

I was suddenly shaking my head frantically, "I don´t believe you…" But my confidence was becoming weaker. "She isn´t. She can´t be!"

I waited for her response, for her to yell at me, so that I could yell at her, having all the assurance in the world that Rosalie was lying. I wanted her to break down and tell me that she was just trying to get to me. As cruel of a joke as it would be, there would be nothing more thrilling than hearing her admit it so. I just had to hear it!

But she didn´t say a word. She refused to confess her wicked lie! I wanted to call her every bad name that I refused to use in my daily life, but with every moment I wasted, the pain got worse. By now, I was on fire. "I know you´re lying!" I shouted at her, and without a second of delay I ended the call.

I didn´t even miss a beat. I opened the phone again and started dialing. My fingers were shaking badly, as though I was once again a human infected with Spanish influenza. I would barely even see in front of me through my eyes were clear of tears. I could feel that my eyes were trying futilely to tear. They burned with dread. I refused to acknowledge the burn. There was nothing to be afraid of! Bella was not dead! She couldn´t be dead!

The phone rang once and I let out a sob. Fear suffocated me. As a vampire, breathing wasn´t necessary, and yet I was panting. The image I had made up of Bella hurling off a cliff was flashing before me, and I shut my eyes, waiting an eternity for the next ring. But when I closed my eyes, I could only see Bella. I could only see her face looking up at me with all the love in the world. The innocent blush on her cheeks whenever she was embarrassed. The way her eyes lit up whenever I came in through her window. Her contented glow and she snuggled up next to me in her bed. There was never a sight more beautiful in all the world than the sight of her sleeping face.

My breath hitched, and the phone rang again, the sound deafening even to me. My nose filled with the smell of her, not just her blood. The sweet smell of her hair enveloped me. The burn of my throat was suddenly blissful, nearly lustful. It was a pain so exquisite that were it a drug I would gladly inject it into my veins. I would revel in the pain that hurt so badly it became pure joy, a nirvana.

I began to shake, and the phone rang for a third time. Her kiss… the feeling of warmth against my ice cold lips. The curve of her cheeks, ears, and neck as I kissed every exposed inch of her. Her accelerated heartbeat rewarding my attentions. A sigh… A small moan every time our lips met. Instead of infecting her with the venom of my mouth, she poured life into my body. I was filled to the brim with adoration and desire. I worshipped the warmth of her body with ever part of my own.

When I heard her voice in my head, I was unprepared. A simple greeting , like she did every morning, but it still was the sound of the angels to me. The softness of the sound made me recall the thrill of hearing her whisper my name in the darkness of her room. That first moment when I knew I loved her with every fiber of my being, my name on her lips. I wanted to hear her whisper my name again, but somehow my mind would not cooperate. The sound was but a memory locked tightly away, but when she said hello again it was like a hallucination. It rang out so clearly in my mind that I stumbled.

By the time I had fallen to my knees, my mind locked up again.

By the time my free hand made contact with the pavement in front of me, I had combusted.

Because at that very moment, I realized that I hadn´t heard the voice in my head. The voice had come from the phone.

My head was immediately against the ground, and in spite of the surrounding crowd, I was sobbing. The force of it was so strong that at first it didn´t make a sound. I barely thought to cover the mouthpiece so that when I did make a noise, she wouldn´t be able to hear it. I heard her say "hello" again, this time sounding adorably impatient, and I snapped.

All the walls I had put up around myself, the invisible walls, were crumbling before me. Walls that in the end were made of nothing more than guilt and shame. In its place was the only thing that mattered. The one thing that defined me. The truth that Bella didn´t know… I loved her. And that was it. There was nothing left for me to feel. I loved her so much that I had no room in my heart to wonder about anything else, not even the danger that my presence posed to her, not even the damning future that would fall upon her just for being with me. Right here, right now, I was desperately in love with her, and I always would be.

She hung up the phone, but I was already done for. I needed that voice. I needed it more than I have ever needed human blood, even hers. And I needed to see her face. And I needed to run my fingers across her cheek again. And I needed more than anything else to expose the lie behind my departure. I could not exist for a moment longer without my true feelings being known.

A phone call was not enough. The humans around me gasped as I disappeared into thin air, or at least it appeared so for their eyes. Their thoughts of fear faded quickly behind me as my muscles finally got what it was wanting all along. The craving was so deep that my sobs shifted to ones of joy. I reached the main airport in record time. The woman behind the desk looked perplexed at my appearance, no doubt a mixture of joy and grief, the look of a cursed madman who was somehow on his way to heaven.

For the first time in months, my voice ran out clear, "O seguinte vôo para Seattle." The next flight to Seattle.

To be continued…

**I´m not really sure where I´m going with this, but I was hit by a sudden stroke of inspiration. I hope you enjoyed this and the chapters to come. As can be deduced from my sn, I am all about making this story the most romantic. Please review and I will post a next chapter, and we´ll see what´s going on with Bella due to this sudden twist! xoxoxoxo**


	2. Ch 02: Motorcycles

Chapter 2: Motorcycles

**BPOV**

There wasn´t exactly silence on the phone. I could hear that there was some kind of commotion in the background, like when someone calls you from inside a crowded bar. There must have been a bad connection on the other end. I hung up the phone quickly, assuming they would call back later, but afterwards realized I should have just kept on greeting the random blank caller. At least that would have given me a few more seconds to think about what I almost allowed to happen. Jacob looked a whole lot more than disappointed, and rather embarrassed. I knew I wasn´t doing much better on that last regard.

I looked into his eyes for a second, but then was overcome with shame. This was my best friend. The one who I relied on more than ever, sure, but a boyfriend? Everyone thought we looked it. I knew that we were a lot physically closer than most friends would be. It shouldn´t be any surprise that people thought that way. If only I could make him understand that my heart still belonged to another, no matter how tattered it was, but even mentioning my long lost vampire burned me from the inside out.

After another second, I had gotten to my feet and headed in a random direction as if I had something important to do. Even as I walked, I knew it wouldn´t be long for him to figure out that I was just looking for an excuse to get away. Surprisingly, my heart hurt at the thought of sending him such an obvious sign of rejection. I didn´t want to hurt him. How could I? He was my best friend.

I felt a tug on my hand, his hand. It was scorching hot, like always, but it was shaking. I looked back at him, worried that he was losing him temper, but all I saw was the anguish I had been hoping to avoid. From the bottom of my heart, I wanted to reach out and embrace him, to make him laugh, but some border had been crossed between us, and it tore at my insides. Was it really so impossible for a boy and a girl to be friends and nothing else?

"Bella, please," he said imploringly.

I dropped my gaze from him. I felt my cheeks grow hot. It must have been beet red. But I didn´t respond to him. I knew exactly what he was thinking and the idea of confronting it was terrifying.

"Don´t do that," Jacob said, a little more forcefully, "You were going to let me kiss you…"

"No!" I said loudly, and then took a few seconds to calm my voice down, trying to smile a very nonchalant smile, "Don´t be ridiculous."

"Well, you certainly weren´t moving away. Admit it, for a second there you wanted me too."

The thoughts that had been going through my head at the time was nothing like what it should be, and certainly nothing like how it was with Edward. While my feelings for Jacob were very strong, nothing could ever take the place of my vampire. Try as I might to forget about it, at the same time, I was always trying not to. I was terrified of the day when I couldn´t remember the ice cold of his hand against my skin, the velvet of his voice, that crooked smile, or the amber color of his eyes… or was it golden… topaz? Just a few months ago I would have known that answer perfectly, and that was enough to rip a new wound in my chest. I knew that forgetting him would be best for me, but a part of me would never let go of him. Would it have been easier if I still got to see him at school? As long as I could look upon him every now and then, would it be easier for me to move on? If he hadn´t taken every damn picture I had of him, could I live my life knowing I would at least never forget his face?

It was selfish of me to lead Jacob on like this. I knew that, and yet I was desperate for his company. So desperate that I guess I _was_ momentarily willing to let him kiss me, just so I could feel like I wasn´t the worthless, ugly ex-girlfriend. At the very least, I could feel like I was worth having in a man´s life. While I know Edward would have never meant for me to feel this way, what girl doesn´t wonder that dreaded question -What was wrong with me?- when they are dumped by the love of their life. The agony of feeling like you´ll never be happy again.

This was no life for me. What good was it to waste away my life fawning after someone who I would never see again? My chest froze solid at the silent thought that came to mind. I refused to acknowledge it.

I shook my head, "That´s not it, Jake. I just didn´t know what to do. It was kind of a shock."

I knew he wasn´t going to let me go with that. With two hands on either side of my head, he backed me into the wall. I had to admit that I was a little intimidated, but I remembered Edward doing the same thing to me on the side of his car before we went to play baseball, and the pain momentarily blocked out my embarrassment. With a pain this great, I couldn´t have two feelings at once. Jacob looked deep into my eyes, and I wasn´t dazzled like I wanted to be. Yes, I wish it were that easy. If I could only fall in love with him, there would be no more pain.

"Bella, please just hear me out on this, okay?"

"Jake… We´ve already talked about this. You know I can´t do that."

"Yes, you can…" He said with full confidence, "If you only tried."

"You act as if it´s so easy. You haven´t felt what I´ve felt."

His lips tightened into a straight line, and I looked away. "Oh, haven´t I?" He asked. I didn´t answer. "Seeing you like this makes me miserable. I want to help you, but I have no idea how."

"You´ve already helped me, Jake," I said warmly, a small smile lingering on my lips, "More than you´ll ever know."

"It´s not enough. You´re still hurting. I see it every day. And forgive me for wondering… why you´d rather be this way than give life another shot."

I glared at him now. Apparently he wasn´t the only one who thought I was a lost cause. Hell, practically everyone who knew me thought that I was a lunatic by now. I would have hoped that Jacob had a little more faith in me. I guess I was wrong. "I´m trying, okay? I am trying!"

"Not hard enough."

"What else can you expect me to do?"

"Just let me try to make you happy." He said with a pitiful voice.

"Jake…" I shook my head helplessly, "You can´t force me to feel this way." He looked so hurt at that statement, and I stumbled to try and make it better, "You know you´re my best friend in the whole world… I wish I could promise you more, but… I´m too broken."

A strange look of both pain and confidence came upon his face. "Then I will fix you."

"This isn´t something you can put back together like one of your motorcycles."

To my everlasting relief, he laughed. The sound of it made my heart feel much less burden upon it. He stepped to the side, making a 180 degree turn and planting his back against the wall as well, but he grabbed my hand, making sure I couldn´t get away.

"I´ve fixed more bikes than I can count," he thought with a smug snort, "Some of them, when they came to me, didn´t even look like motorcycles anymore. Just scrapes of metal. The drivers wore them down until they broke under the pressure. Some people didn´t even make at attempt to save them. They just left them on the side of the road, then went off to buy a new one." I didn´t like the image this metaphor was giving me, that Edward had left me and found someone else. My body was burning stronger than when I was bitten by James. "But I worked on every one of them. I spent all my free time with them, putting them back together, wiping away all the grime and shining them up. I didn´t care about using my money to buy any broken or missing parts. It was never a waste. I was happy to do it."

I sighed and looked at him shyly, perhaps a little too flirtatiously, "So I´m a motorcycle, huh, and you´re just determined to fix me?"

"That´s right."

"And what happens when someone comes by your place, eyeing one particularly special, albeit clumsy motorcycle," he laughed at that, "and decides they want to have it? What do you do then?"

"That depends… First I´d have to be really sure that the new driver would take the upmost care with that clumsy motorcycle. You never know when it´s going to blow a tire."

"Haha," I laughed sarcastically.

"… And then I´d have to figure out if it was what was really best for that bike. If it was really better off getting into all kinds of trouble on the road or better to keep it with me forever… Of course, I´d be secretly wishing that I could keep it forever."

I turned to face him, seeing a very far-off look in his face. There was something so mature about him that was immediately self-conscious about myself. I was already so small compared to him, but even after his massive growth spurt, he always had the face of a boy, especially when he smiled. Right now, the look in his eyes made him look like a wise-learned man. He looked like he had seen to the ends of the earth, and the world had touched him deeply. Where was the boy that I knew now?

"But if he was the right kind of driver, would you let it go?"

When his eyes grayed over, he was still looking at me, but not really. There was something so dark in him, but not in a scary way. He looked genuinely heartbroken, and even I had to admit that it would be wonderful if I could be with him just so I could make sure he never looked that was again.

"Yes," Jacob said, simply, "I would."

I sighed. When I moved away, he let my hand slip out of his, and I walked to the window. It was drizzling outside, no surprise. I remembered him teaching me how to ride a motorcycle, how impossible it was for me to handle such a simple task. I still felt like I was cheating him back then. The only reason I even started all this was to have hallucinations of a certain angry vampire. Still, Jacob had the upmost confidence in me at the time. Edward, or the Edward who I had kept alive in my memories, the one I thought had loved me, would have flipped out, but Jacob had faith. Even driving head first into danger or into the turmoil of heartbreak, a part of me knew that Jacob would never let me lose myself.

Of course, I did lose myself to the danger. The two of us were too stupid to not remember a helmet, and I was luckily to have gotten away like just some stitches. When it came to motorcycles, I really wasn´t the best choice. I smiled at the end, "You could always find a new one."

He smiled too, but it was a little dry, "No. Most bikes are quite stable. I don´t think bikes like that come by very often. It doesn´t matter if it´s a little shaky. Every bike has its own personality, after all. Very few can appreciate the ones who don´t run smoothly. I kinda like ´em rough."

Yep. That was me. Rough, indeed. A real bad ass. I laughed quietly.

He was beside me again, looking out at the changing weather. The rain had gotten heavier. I shook my head, not taking my eyes away from the outside world, "Which is why no one else would ever buy me. To shaky on the road for someone to ride."

Jacob was suddenly laughing out loud, a huge laugh, and I wondered what in the world I had said. A moment later, he answered my thoughts, "Oh, Bella. You just haven´t been ridden hard enough."

I groaned and cringed at his childish, but also amusing pun. "Wow, Jake. Did you think up that one all by yourself?"

"I´ve been saving it since the 7th grade. About time I used it."

"I´m sorry I asked," but I giggled all the same.

A few more moments passed in silence. Alice wandered back into the room, looking just as bouncy as ever. At least I had that. No matter what the history between her brother and I, Alice was a good friend. I knew she would always care about me. I was looking forward to spending some time with her.

"Hey, Alice. Should we get started on tonight´s torture?"

While she wrinkled her nose, she smiled wickedly. God only knew what girly things were running through her head. I had a feeling there was a lot of makeup and pink in my future, but she knew that way more than I. "I´ll begin getting things set up."

I sighed in quiet dismay. Not my favorite activity, but it was worth it to spend time with Alice.

Jacob smirked, "Girling it up tonight, or does this include any actual Halloween-themed torture?"

Alice hissed at him, and then gracefully disappeared up the staircase.

"Be nice," I murmured.

I made a move to follow Alice, but Jacob stopped me with another pull to the arm. "Wait… before I go…"

Damnit! I was really hoping this was over with. My cheeks flushed again as I looked back at him. Gone was the face of my dear friend. It was now the face of someone who wanted to be so much more. "Listen… I was told once that the first step in love is friendship, and so is the last… It´s the middle that´s left."

I swallowed hard. I couldn´t even dare to hope. I needed him in my life so badly. Turning him away time and time again was unbearably hard. I wanted to love him. I wanted to fill this hole in my heart. Every night was agony. I had become so accustomed to arms being wrapped around me in my sleep that not even these months could take away the anticipation of an embrace when I opened my eyes.

"Jake…" I started.

"No, please," he shook his head, "Don´t turn me away again. I know that I can´t force you to feel this way, but if you have a little time, if you can see what I have to offer you, things could get better for you. Bella… I would do anything for you. You know that, don´t you?"

My eyes started watering, and before I could stop it, I was crying. "Yes," my sob was a broken whisper.

He took my face in his hands and wiped away my tears with his thumbs. I wasn´t healed by the gesture, but the gaping wound in my chest did close off. I looked deep into his eyes and saw that he was saying only the truth. And it felt good. When I was with him, I was loved.

Tainted as it was, the desire to be with him was overwhelming, and before I could stop myself, I raised myself up as high as I could, coaxed his head downwards, and kissed him.

By the time I had realized what I´d done, it was too late. His hands were already supporting my face against his. It wasn´t a very intense kiss, and I knew he was trying to be gently with me. I didn´t know if the pounding in my heart was out of fear or love, but I gave myself over to him. I did my best to push Edward out of my mind, to experience this new feeling of warm lips instead of cold ones. So I forced myself to do what had to be done, I returned the pressure of his kiss. It was enough for a few moments to be enveloped by the heat of his body, but the cure was only temporary. Edward´s face was still at the forefront of my mind, and I had to let go before I broke down.

When I pulled away, he let me go, but he was smiling. It was an amazing smile, almost comparable to that of my ex-boyfriend, and I was relieved to see it. The words tumbled from my mouth, but for the first time, they were the truth, "I´ll think about it, okay?"

He rubbed the back of my head affectionately, and looked into my eyes like he wanted to stay even longer. Instead, he took me up in an embrace, your everyday friendly one. "Thank you." He whispered.

I sighed, my breath creating waves on his plaid shirt. Too soon, we pulled apart. "I´m running late. We´re still making the rounds looking for Victoria." When he saw me cringe, he rubbed my arms, "Don´t worry. She won´t get near you." He promised.

I nodded, but still couldn´t bring myself to look at him. He must have known I was embarrassed, because he laughed at me again and flicked my ear. He smiled again when I shied away from the ticklish feeling, "Take care of yourself, sweetheart."

Clearly my very recent lapse in control had made him smug. Still, he was glowing, and seeing him that way was enough for now. Once I figured out where to go with this, I only hoped he would continue to smile that way, no matter what the outcome.

He was out the door, and I was running to my room, trying to keep the blush down. When I made it through the door, I was expecting Alice to be her cheerful self, but she was sitting crosslegged on my head, staring at nothing. It wasn´t the same look she had when she was having a vision, but she looked deep in thought. I blushed harder when I considered that she had likely heard or seen the impromptu kiss downstairs.

To drive this awkwardness away, I tried to put on a smile, "So, where´s all the makeup?"

It took her a moment to respond, and then she seemed to shake out of her trance, just like she did when she was having a vision. "Oh… Yes…"

She was quiet as she started pulling out objects from her enormous box of girlie goodies. It wasn´t like her at all. I gnawed on my lip. She couldn´t possibly be upset with me, could she?

As she did my hair and applied the makeup, she smiled, but it wasn´t a full smile. It looked so forced. Vampires had to be brilliant actors to get along in the human world without getting caught, so it must have been something very important. I wrung my fingers together.

"Alice…" Her eyes finally looked directly into mine, for the first time in 15 minutes. "Are you upset with me?"

It took her a few seconds, "No, of course not." But the lapse of time made me think otherwise.

"This isn´t… You didn´t see…?"

Alice cringed, but kept on her plastic smile. "Sorry, I… peaked down the stairs again to see if you were coming."

I wondered momentarily if she was able to see me blush under the light rouge she had dusted onto my cheeks. The idea that she had seen me kiss him was really upsetting. What a silly thing to feel! I was no longer in a relationship with her brother, at his request, so why would it matter?

When she had finished putting my hair up in some crazy but beautiful hairdo, she smiled in satisfaction and something else. It sounded tired, but I knew that couldn´t be the case. She eyed me intensely, like she was admiring a work of art but trying to understand its meaning at the same time. In the end, she nodded. "You look beautiful."

I blushed more, ducked my head down and smiled shyly. The dress-up would come to no good use, but surprisingly I felt more human with Alice than with any other female. I felt a whole lot younger too. I knew Alice had never had these experiences, so if anything, this was her way of living out those lost years.

I finally gathered the courage to ask, "Are you mad that I… did that?"

I thought at first that I would have to explain what I was talking about, but she immediately knew. "No. I´ll admit, I´m a little worried about you hanging out with a werewolf, but… I´m happy for you. You deserve to be happy."

Why did she have to look so broken when she said that? She looked like she had lost a precious loved one. I wondered if that was me. Had she been thrilled at the idea of having me as a sister in the future? Had she been expecting Edward to change me into one of them, and looking forward to it? Maybe in some way, I was betraying her, betraying that dream of hers. However, it was worthless. There was no point in eternity without Edward. There was barely a point in this life without him. It was all I could do to lean on Jake for support.

"Promise me you´ll be careful. Werewolves are known for their temper." She advised.

"I know, but Jacob would never hurt me."

"Don´t be too sure, Bella. Just don´t get him mad… ever."

I nodded. I didn´t want to upset Jacob anyway. Jacob always looked out for me, so I would do my best to look out for him. If I had any hope of having a… relationship… with him, then I would do my best to make him happy.

Wow. I was already considering a future with him. This was nothing like what it was with Edward. I had never been so terrified. This felt wrong in so many ways, and yet I felt like I was backed into a corner. Jake was my constant. Even Alice would eventually have to leave me. I would never be abandoned my Jake, and I had already been abandoned by too many people. I couldn´t take anymore. Still, would I ever feel for him what I did for Edward? Could my heart ever open up to him like I wanted it to?

The night passed slowly. Pedicures, manicures, popcorn and a movie. Your typical pajama party. Of course, Alice wouldn´t be going to sleep. She told me that she would stay on the lookout for Victoria, and make a trip to the old house. When I settled down to sleep, she was still and quiet on the floor at the foot of my bed. Her body was turned away from mine, but I could see a partial outline of her face in the light of the moon coming through my window. She still looked so tense.

It took me a long time to drift off. I stared out the window, at the moon, remembering what had happened with Jacob. I would have to force myself. I would force myself to love him, somehow. When I could fully appreciate how much he had given me, how much I could give him, falling in love with him would be easy. He was such a wonderful boy. How hard could it be? Why had I even fallen for Edward?

Now that was an interesting question. Why did I fall for Edward? I didn´t truly know him very well, but I had been dazzled by him. The crush I had on him was instant, based solely on how beautiful he looked, as it always is in the beginning. Our attempt at friendship didn´t bring about love, but my affections for him did grow. The mystery of him did draw me in, for even if I didn´t know him, I had sensed adventure in him. Finding out what he was should have scared me off, but I felt no change in my heart. Then the night at Port Angeles came to mind, when he saved me from that group of surly men, went on a "date" with me to a restaurant, and drove me home. I learned so much about him, and I knew that he was a good person, in spite of his beliefs that he was a monster. Again, my affections for him only grew, but I couldn´t put a name to the feeling that was building. It wasn´t until we said goodnight, when I turned to find him so close to me, looking as though he would kiss me, that I understood what was happening. What had it been? What was that deciding factor that gave my heart away to him? Or was it even possible to narrow it down to a single thing? After all, I loved everything about him. Whether it was his looks, his manners, his smile, his protectiveness, his passion… everything about him had been perfect.

My heart was twisting itself into a knot again. Where was he now? Had he found someone else to dazzle? Every girl who met him was left breathless. Had he ever found himself with another ordinary girl like me, or someone more beautiful and matched to him? It hurt so badly to think about it. It was best for me not to know where he was, but it was better to know than to live like this, as though he had dropped off the face of the planet. At the very least, I needed to know that he was okay, even if the truth hurt.

"Alice?" I murmured after 30 minutes.

"Yeah?" She answered quietly.

It took me a while to gather my courage again. "Where is Edward now?"

Saying his name out loud sent such a wave of pain through my body that I was lucky to have been lying down in a ball, or I would have hunched over, and she would have been instantly aware of the pain it caused me. Many seconds passed, but when she answered, it was simple, "He´s in South America… Brazil, I think."

I could see it, though I knew nothing of Brazil other than what I had seen in pictures of organizations to save the rainforest and some old cartoon characters who were no doubt way outdated. I imagined him on a sunny beach, oddly enough, and in spite of his shimmer no one was shocked. I imagined him just like any other tourist, enjoying the food, dance, ancient ruins… I bet he would find some very exotic "food" to enjoy. Already, I was aching to be there with him. I could be anywhere in the world, as long as I was with him. Anything Brazil or the rest of the world had to offer meant little to me if he was by my side, so it was fair to say that I´d be a rather pitiful tourist. My time would not be wasted though. Everything about him called to me.

"That sounds nice," I said. It was true enough.

I was surprised to see Alice´s body stiffen. Her body was already hard as rock, and breathing was just a habit, but as she inhaled her body suddenly shuddered into stone. I couldn´t see enough of her face to figure out what she was thinking, but a few seconds later, she softened up again, turning her face completely into the darkness and out of my view. "Sure." I didn´t want to ask if I had offended her again. Somehow, I was sure I had. "Go to sleep, Bella."

"Will you be back in the morning?"

Her voice was warm again, "I´ll be back long before you wake up. Sleep well."

I obeyed, and slipped off into dreams of sandy beaches and tropical trees, warm water and ice cold arms around me…

To be continued…

**Just so we´re clear, this is 100% EDWARDXBELLA. To be honest, I can´t stand Jacob. I mean… when a girl tells you she doesn´t want to be your girlfriend, she means no. It´s just disgusting that he keeps pushing himself on her, even when Edward comes back. And people complain that Edward is creepy? And Bella´s relationship with him was always kind of screwed up, being unbelievably dependent on the attention of one person in order to forget another. Little red flags going up everywhere. Anyways, I am trying hard to keep him in character, because a part of me would really like to portray him the way I see him in the stories, but at least for now, he still needs to maintain some redeeming qualities. **

**Much love, luv, and lurv! Please review so I know this is worth continuing ;)**


	3. Ch 03: Moving On

Chapter 3: Moving On

**EPOV**

The flight to Seattle was excruciatingly long, even longer, it seemed, than the flight to Los Angeles. I had wanted to get there as fast as possible, but unfortunately there was no direct flight to Seattle within a reasonable amount of time, so I took three flights. One to Los Angeles, one to San Francisco, and one to Seattle. When the plane was descending at an agonizingly slow pace, I yearned to kick in the wall and jump out. If I didn´t have the heart to care about the well-being of the random strangers around me, I would have. Anyway, it would only cause more trouble for me to draw attention to myself. The last thing I needed were reports of a man with superhero strength on the loose in tomorrow´s paper.

I spent every moment thinking about Bella, as I always did. I felt no regret for what I was doing. The only thing I could feel was a sweet sense of anxiety. Even knowing I would see her soon, I was still aching. The anticipation had my whole body in turmoil. My arms were throbbing, knowing that soon they would wrap around her again. Yet soon wasn´t soon enough. I had to rush. The sooner I got to her, the sooner everything would be right in the world again.

Leaving the Seattle airport was very frustrating. I had to use all my concentration to keep from running at my normal vampire speed. I was sure I was already running a little too fast. I got some strange looks from people. The airport smelled of gasoline and passengers who hadn´t showered yet, but when I finally made it outside of the main city, I could smell the familiar scent of Washington, of trees and falling rain.

I broke out into a run through the wilderness, but slowed down quickly when I checked the time. It was about eleven. I wouldn't get there to see Bella before she left for school, and it didn´t seem like a good idea to go find her there. Bella was never one for a lot of attention, and throwing myself at her feet pleading for her to take me back would definitely draw attention. No, I would do what I had always imagined. I would climb in threw her window, and she would wake up startled, but as soon as she recognized me, she would scramble out of bed or desk and cross that short distance into my arms and I would kiss her like never before.

Perhaps she would forgive me for having left her behind, once I told her that it was all for her sake, but that I understood I was wrong to have gone. My actions were not my own anymore, they were of my heart. I could not bear to spend another day away from her, and for the first time I embraced the idea that she felt the same way about me.

Knowing now that I could take my time, I knew it would be a good idea to hunt. I had been away from Bella for so long that the thirst might be as strong as the first day we met. I didn´t want to have to restrain myself tonight. If I could, I would kiss her as hard as humanly possible… only humanly possible, since I didn´t dare harm her. I knew I could control my touch, but I could never be sure about my hunger.

I found a moose in the forest and grinned as I gave chase. This animal was too big for me to drain it of all its blood, but it would do. I ran so fast it was like I was flying. With the rush of the wind, I was overjoyed by the inevitable future. I didn´t think I could wait until nighttime to sneak into her room. As soon as she got home, I would be there waiting for her. I tackled my prey to the floor and began my feast, never feeling quite so happy to be what I was, for at least my speed would allow me to reach Bella even faster.

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**BPOV**

I was lucky not to have gotten detention today. I was so unfocused that I nearly broke some 30 Petri dishes in Biology. Being clumsy was not new to me, but I could barely focus on walking today.

I didn´t know what to say to Jacob the next time I saw him. I spent the better part of the day going over what I _could_ say, what my final decision should be. It might have been too late to go down that road. I had already kissed him. Backing out now would be pretty mean, wouldn´t it? I really had no right to lead him on like that when I was so unsure of myself.

Yet, in a way, I wasn´t sorry for what I had done. I needed to move on with my life. Jacob was key to that. I knew he could make me even partially happy if I let it happen. And it felt so good to be loved by someone. I didn´t feel nearly as pitiful as I did before.

When the end of the day came along, I still had no clue how to confront this, but wanted very much to say yes. I may have not wanted this 100%, but this change was something I needed. And I knew it was selfish. With every fiber of my being, I ached for Edward. Nothing Jacob had done for me had been able to change that. He had only been able to numb the pain that in spite of my attempts, had grown with each passing day, as though my body was defying my mind. It would be a miracle if I could get over him, and so I could only hope that there would be a miracle for me. This wasn´t an easy thing on which to decide. Besides going through this when my heart was elsewhere, I ran the risk of ruining our friendship, the last thing I was willing to sacrifice. I didn´t want love to get in the way of the more pure feelings we had for each other.

I wanted our relationship to be simple… Really, I didn´t want anything to change. When romance was involved, nothing was simple.

"Are you okay?" Angela asked, noticing my marked lack of attention.

"Yeah… I suppose."

"Is there anything I can help you with?" She asked.

Angela was such a good friend. It pained me that I couldn´t share all my secrets with her… but maybe I could confide in her with a few things. "Angela… What do you do when someone likes you, and you like them back, but as a friend?"

Angela smiled, "It´s that Quilette boy, isn´t it?" My blush confirmed it for her, "He always looks at you in that adorable way."

We had hung out a few times as a group, but of course Jacob hadn´t clicked with the rest of them, least of all Mike. Angela was the only one who treated him just as kindly as anyone else. I cringed, "Not helping."

"Sorry… Anyway, I don´t see any problem. You guys are so close you´re practically an item. I know you spend a lot of free time with him alone, and whenever you´re together you´re always touching somehow. Do you mean to say that you´re really not interested in him?"

I sighed. It was never a surprise that someone felt that way, but I still had to wonder why friends of a different gender couldn´t be really close without it being considered romantic. I liked to be close to him. I liked holding his hand. I liked those massive bear hugs of his. Was it somehow wrong to be touching him?

"Not exactly. He´s my best friend, and I do care about him a lot. I just… don´t know if I´m really girlfriend material."

"That didn´t stop you with…" She stopped when I sucked in a breath. "Well, before, I mean…"

This conversation was getting painful, but I knew she didn´t mean to upset me. "But Jacob is… he´s Jacob! I always thought of him as a big brother, someone to look out for me. Now, he wants us to be something more, and I don´t know if I can do it."

"Do you really want my advice, Bella?"

What a silly question. Of course I did, that´s why I was talking to her about this. "Of course. Please."

"Go for it," she said simply, as though it should have been clear, "The guy is head-over-heels for you. So he´s not the knight in shining armor you´re used to. He still treats you like a princess."

That was quite an image. Right out of a fairy tale book. So Jacob was to be the hero who saved me from the monster that was myself. Funny, he was the one doing that, fighting against a beast in his blood, fighting against anger. Was he really capable of looking after a damsel, too? I never imagined myself as the type of girl who needed to be worshipped. In fact, I hated the attention I got from many guys at the school… apart from one… True enough, Jacob spoiled me, let me get away with a lot of things I really shouldn´t. Was I turning into a damsel? "So I should just… drag him along? Let him dote on me?"

"You make it sound like such a bad thing, Bella," she said, "Listen. Every girl needs to be taken care of in some way, just like every man needs to be taking care of in some way. I know that ever since you two have started hanging out, you´ve looked so much better. And the way he looks at you, I know that he feels all the better for having you in his life. I think that in a way… you guys fulfill certain vital needs in each other. I´m surprised you guys haven´t even tried anything."

I blushed red hot, and she gasped, "You mean you have?"

"No… Just… a kiss."

Her overreaction was the usual of any high-schooler, a high-pitched squeal and a quick flailing of the arms, and she tugged on my shoulder. "Nicely done, Bella. See? You´ve already gotten past the hardest part. What was it like?"

No, the hardest part would be trying to do it again, and to keep Edward out of my mind while doing so.

The school bell rang and the conversation was cut short. Angela was already inching away to join up with her adorable boyfriend Ben. I decided I couldn´t meet up with the two of them. Watching them as a couple together was too hard to endure.

I made my way to my lovely little Volvo amidst the crowd of departing students. As soon as I got in and shut the door, I turned on the heater. I had gotten to use to the temperature inside the classroom and the outside world was a surprise to my system. Unfortunately, with this car, the heat could take forever. What I really needed was to slip under some blankets in my bed. I was quickly out of the parking lot and heading home, going faster than usual. Oddly, it felt better I normally did to be going home. Somehow the idea of being there was comforting.

And then I thought of Jacob again. I remembered the look on his face after I had kissed him. I remembered Angela´s question from just a few minutes ago, "_What was it like?"_ It was certainly nothing like kissing Edward. My heart had not been pounding with passion. I had not become dizzy or fainted. I hadn´t shivered from both cold and pleasure. Jacob´s kiss felt like… nothing. It didn´t dazzle me. I sighed. Maybe having Edward as my first boyfriend had ruined my expectations. Not everyone could be that perfect. And then the hole in my chest was creeping open again. Perhaps I could never expect to love someone as much as I loved Edward. The thought terrified me. Was I doomed to live out the rest of my life unsatisfied?

No, it had to be enough. I had nowhere else to turn to. Jacob was the most important person in the world to me now. I always said there was nothing I wouldn´t do to make him smile, make him laugh… make him happy. Because he had done the same for me. It was true, wasn´t it? I owed him every scrap of happiness I had left. Even as I remained a poor excuse for the happy girl that used to be Bella, this life was livable, because I had him to turn to. Whenever I saw him, somehow I knew the sky wasn´t going to fall on my head just yet. No, the worst the sky could do was rain on me, make me shiver, and yet Jacob was there too, holding me close with his overly warm body, and I was alright. The rain didn´t bother me anymore.

I may never be whole again, but like Angela said, Jacob completed me in ways no one could. Edward was lost to me now. I had to fully except that he wasn´t going to come back, no matter how much it hurt. And I had to grab onto what I had and never let it go. I wasn´t about to let Jacob slip out of my grasp, not when I needed him so desperately.

My mind was made up.

Without dwelling on my fear and indecisiveness for too long, I turned my car around, and before I knew it, I was heading to La Push.

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**EPOV**

When I finally caught sight of her house, I let out a sob of joy. I never realized how much I actually missed Bella´s house. Of course, it was only because I knew the treasure that it held, but it was devastatingly satisfying to approach her window, like a poor cursed Romeo to his Juliet. Her car wasn´t here, but I was already aware of that. Like a smart and disciplined girl, she was no doubt still at school. I oddly couldn´t wait for her to tell me all that had happened in the past year. What wonderful experiences had she come to know? How much had she blossomed in my misguided absence?

I leapt to her window, remembering the countless times I had done so before, how I would always be greeted with a kiss. This time, she would come home to me, and I would be the one to greet her with a kiss… and then another… and then another… The window was still unlocked. Thank goodness for that. Breaking into a cop´s home is not what I had in mind. I slipped into her room and had to clutch the window frame for support as her scent crashed into me. Like I had thought, my throat burned with her sweet smell, but the scent was slightly stale, a few hours old, so it was slightly easier to sustain than the first day we had met. But that was nothing compared to the throbbing elation at being in this room again, a room that held the most precious memories for me. Bella´s bed, where I had held her and kissed her countless times, where I had sung her to sleep with my lullaby, where I had laughed at her murmurs, those little windows into her dreams.

Everything was just the same as the last time I had been here. The rocking chair was still in the corner. Should I wait for her there? No, I would wait on the window sill. No, the bed.

Then I started questioning if I should leave and come back later, like when she was already lying in bed. I didn´t want her to faint of shock. Or maybe I did want that. I would have to catch her, and all the sooner I would have her in my arms.

I was so enraptured by Bella´s scent that I didn´t even register Alice´s presence until she was standing right in front of me. I was quite shocked, even for a vampire, and I couldn´t help but instantly get defensive. "Alice… What are you doing here?"

Alice rolled her eyes, "Nice to see you too… I´ve been here for a few days."

"That still doesn´t explain why you´re here when I told you not to interfere in Bella´s life."

"Well, excuse me! When I see a friend of mine committing suicide I have every right to do something."

My breath caught in my throat, and I choked on the air. In my joy, I had overlooked that knowledge. "Did she… really try to kill herself?"

She sighed, "Turns out no. All I saw was her jumping off a cliff by the beach, but it turns out she was doing it for fun… diving."

The thought enfuriated me. How could Bella be so reckless with her life when I told her to take care of herself? Ocean or not, she was far too fragile (and clumsy) to be doing something like that. God, if anything had happened to her… who knew what I might have done? But I knew that I would have done. Her death would have destroyed me, and I would have ended my life the only way I knew how.

´That´s not all she´s been up too,´ she told me through her thoughts, ´She´s been riding a motorcycle too.´

My fists clenched. No matter how happy I would be to see Bella again, I made a mental note to discuss this matter with her. If she thought I was going to let this kind of thing continue, she had another thing coming. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers, "Honestly, Alice. Are you _trying_ to make me crazy here?"

"Then you can stop invading my personal thoughts." Hmph! I would be so lucky… "But I must say you´ve never looked saner."

Her words calmed me, reminded me that I had a reason to exist again. My love for Bella defined me. If it was the last thing I did, it would be to love her, to tell her that I love her, and I could only pray that she would take me back. But of course she would. She loved me, too, and that thought gave me the extra strength I needed to confront her. 3 PM couldn´t come fast enough.

So why did Alice look so distraught as she said that? "What?"

Her thoughts were a blur of Bella, and I was distracted from anything that might be a signal to Alice´s distress. For a moment, I saw her near the doorway, talking to who must have been Jacob Black, looking rather distressed himself, but before I could pry further, Alice purposefully changed her thoughts.

"Edward, I just… You need to talk to Bella right away, before it´s too late."

Those final words terrified me. I grabbed her by the shoulders. "What are you talking about? Is she alright?"

"Of course she is… I can´t say anymore. I´m already prying enough as it is."

She of all people should know by now that our family had no secrets. "Is something wrong?"

"No… Not yet… It´ll be fine. When she gets home, it´ll be alright."

I let it go, but I was being attentive to her thoughts, just in case she would slip and drop another clue. But her presence did remind me of something. I had to get into contact with the others and let them know I was okay. What with Rosalie´s little mistake (if you could ever call it little), they were probably worried sick. Even though Alice´s calmness at my arrival proved she knew I was coming, I didn´t know if she had told the others. I slid to the opposite side of the window, looking out just in case I could catch sight of Bella´s old truck a few hours early, and called Carlisle.

**BPOV**

I heard familiar sounds of metal scrapping against metal and knew Jacob was in his garage, working on another one of those poor motorcycles. I cringed when I remembered his little motorcycle metaphor the other day. Maybe I was the broken abandoned bike that he could fix.

My hatred for the whole situation grew as I approached the garage, because I had never been so uncomfortable to be seeing him. I had always been so happy to spend my time with him. My mind and heart were already putting up walls now that I had come to my decision.

I found him with his body hidden behind a rather dirty looking bike. I could only see his face, and he was so focused on his work that he looked beautiful. Even the dark blots on his face made him look somewhat dashing. They spotted his face and his now rather muscular arms. He reminded me of a soap opera heartthrob or the guy on the cover of a cheesy romance novel. Muscles and olive skin. Every girl´s dream.

When he finally heard me -he must have been really focused if he didn´t notice before-, he broke out into a smile, but it wasn´t a full one. I instantly knew he was feeling nervous too, though maybe not as much as I did. Still, he looked cautiously hopeful. I smiled the best I could for him and said, "Fixing another problem girl?"

His love for this hobby was clear as he admired the vehicle and patted it with his hand. "Yeah, she´s a bit wild, but nothing I can´t handle." He winked at me, and then ruined the flirtatious act by sneezing loudly, "Sorry. Looks like I have a cold. I stayed out longer than I should have."

My cheeks pinked and I moved towards my regular sitting area, but Jacob stopped me, "Hold on. Let´s go inside. I´m pretty much done anyway."

Great. Just great. I didn´t even have any time to think through what I was going to say to him. Maybe I should have held this off for a few more days.

When we entered his house, he excused himself for a few moments to wash away some of the grime on his body. I didn´t mind that he looked that way, but it would definitely dirty the house. I sat on the couch and was nearly hyperventilating by the time he came back, but when he placed a warm hand on my shoulder I was fine. He kept my steady, and smiled when I looked up at him. "Hope you don´t mind. I can´t really clean it all off in one try."

True enough, he still had small patches of gray and black on his crown and on his neck. "I don´t mind." I replied honestly.

When he sat down next to me, my instant reaction was to shy away from him, but I knew that would only hurt his feelings, so I held my ground. We were silent for a few very uncomfortable moments. The smile was gone from Jacob´s face. He looked genuinely concerned.

I knew I had to break the ice, so I looked around the room and focused on the first thing I saw. "Wow, is that television set new?"

He didn´t even pause, "Are you rejecting me?"

My face dropped and turned pale. He didn´t even respond to my question, not in the slightest. He was looking at me, but to my hands, as though he didn´t want to look me in the eyes. I could still see what was in them. His eyes were so sad, so broken, and my heart wept.

Again, I cut off my mind and heart as well as I could, and suddenly leapt for him. He barely reacted in time to catch me before I latched my lips onto his. He was rather surprised, and didn´t move for a few moments. That wouldn´t do. I coaxed his mouth by sucking tenderly on his lip. With a deep breath, he began to kiss me back. I could feel myself shaking, but doubted he would notice.

I was surrounded my heat, so much of it that I was breathing fire. I couldn´t breathe right. I was drowning in him. Still I wouldn´t let go. This was my only chance to make things right for myself. If I had to force myself to feel for him, then so be it.

Even as he caressed my face with his hands, I felt no response to his touch. My skin didn´t jump under his fingertips. They were simply there under him, as they always were. With his heat and softness, it was hard to imagine them being cold and hard as ice, but somehow I still did. It was a difficult stretch, but I could still imagine those cold arms encircling me and drawing me out of Jacob´s embrace, and no matter how much I knew it would hurt Jacob, I would have wanted it, wouldn´t I?

Already I was losing my grip, so I leaned into him. Though he was far stronger than me, he allowed me to take the lead, falling slightly back and I climbed over him. I shivered as his tongue parted my lips, and I almost cried then. Edward had never kissed me like that, out of necessity. I had always wanted to make our kisses more passionate. Hell, I had wanted far more than that, but our relationship had been doomed to be chaste for eternity… But eternity would have been nice to have, no matter how incomplete.

I had to try harder. I put my arm around him, but accidently knocked over the lamp on the table. I froze and was ready to break the kiss to apologize, but he held onto me tighter. Clearly he didn´t mind.

Suddenly, I was lying on my back. Jacob was on top of me, kissing my neck. I honestly would rather he kissed me on the lips. Without my lips occupied, I didn´t know what to do with them. I was sure my face looked as dead as stone. There was no way I could pull off looking like I was passionately into this. I just hoped he didn´t notice. He sucked and bit on my neck, and I breathed in a ragged breath. It was too hard, wishing that this could be Edward, wishing he would be able to kiss me like that, knowing that I would have enjoyed it immensely.

It didn´t occur to me for a full five seconds that my shirt was moving. Not a lot, but enough to expose my stomach, and Jacob´s hands covered me. I shook violently and shot up, sliding out from beneath him. "Stop!"

He instantly backed off, throwing himself to the other side of the couch. His hands had been so unbearably close to one of the places I only wanted Edward to touch, and knew I had had enough for one day. I fixed my shirt and held my arms to my chest.

"I´m so sorry, Bella! Please… don´t me mad at me! I won´t do it again without your permission. I promise!"

His apology was sincere. He was just a boy after all. I was just glad I had the strength to say that enough was enough before he did something I would really regret. He looked rather pitiful now, and I was sorry to have pulled him in so abruptly, only to push him away. I looked away, ashamed, "It´s not your fault… I´m just… not ready for that right away."

He nodded his head. I was glad that it was good enough to understand that I needed to have a slow pace.

I looked on the floor next to him, where the broken lamp lay. "Sorry about the lamp."

He breathed out a laugh, "I didn´t mind."

I blushed again. I might as well stay red for how embarrassed I was these days. Happily, when he looked up at me again, he was smiling. For a moment, he became serious. "I won´t rush you Bella. Trust me on that."

I smiled and nodded.

"Good… So you´re … serious about this?"

I sighed and nodded again.

He smiled, "I won´t let you down…" Before the atmosphere could get all mushy again, he suddenly turned back into my best friend, and took my hand, "Come on! You haven´t seen much of the gang. They've been really wanting to see you."

I actually wanted to, in spite of everything, but Alice was waiting for me. "Not today. Alice is waiting." He cringed. "Don´t give me that. She´s only here for a little while. Then you can monopolize me again."

He smirked sweetly, "Sounds good to me."

I wondered briefly if I should kiss him goodbye, but I settled for hugging him. He held me tightly, like a boyfriend often did to his girlfriend, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could do this. "Thank you, Jake."

"Anytime, Bella. Hurry and get on home before I hold you captive."

I knew he wouldn´t mind it, but I had definitely had too much emotional trauma for one night. I let go of him, caught a glimpse of the adoration in his eyes, and left. As I drove away, I saw him in my rear view mirror looking through the window. He looked so happy, and I was glad. Glad to have made him happy…

I would work on myself later…

To be continued…

**I suppose it´s kind of mean to leave it here, just before she is about to return home to a most wonderful visitor. I´m trying to time this right, though, and I did extend the chapter so that you´ll forgive me what I´m about to say. Unfortunately, I will be in Egypt for the next ten days (Okay, not so unfortunate for me) so I won´t be updating until I get back. I can promise you that the next chapter will be worth the wait. I´ll be spending a lot of time and thought on making it perfect.**

**In the meantime, I really appreciate your input and criticism, so please write a review! And since I won´t see you for another ten days, HAPPY HOLIDAYS/CHRISTMAS/HANNUKAH/KWANKAH/SOLSTICE/ANOTHER-DECEMBER-RELIGIOUS-CELEBRATION-I-AM-UNAWARE-OF!!!**


	4. Ch 04: Bittersweet

Ch 4: Bittersweet

**BPOV**

Coming home felt surprisingly good. I guessed it was because I could finally have some time to myself to process everything that had happened today. Nothing could calm a worried mind like a good night´s sleep. I was so on-edge that the sensation of pulling into my driveway shocked me. I felt a thrill of a shiver run down my spine. I looked around, feeling eyes on me, and wondered if Jacob had hidden in the back of my truck again just to scare me. He had done it once, and had a great laugh at my expense.

But like always, there was no one. The only thing out of the ordinary was Charlie´s police cruiser in the driveway. Usually I arrived home before him. I´d have to explain to him why dinner would be late, but he´d be happy to know that I´m spending more time with Jacob. As I exited the car, I bit my lip in worry. Conversation with my father was difficult enough, but I didn´t want to expose to him that Jacob and I were becoming boyfriend and girlfriend.

I lost my breath and held my fist to my heart. The word ´boyfriend´ hadn´t been a very accurate word for Edward, but it was the closest term. The thought that I could now use that term for Jacob… it felt like I was betraying Edward. As of right now, he was the only one who even came close to the word. Truly, I didn´t know if Jacob and I could really be called that yet. When does a couple make it official? Would it require verification at some point? In all honesty, I hoped the topic never came up.

I shivered at a sudden gust of wind and hurried to get inside to the heat. Charlie was waiting, like always, in his chair in front of the television. He looked at me intrigued. He might not have known me so well, but enough to know that I wasn´t prone to going out after school. It was something I usually saved for the weekends.

"Hey Dad. Sorry I´m late."

"That´s no problem. Alice kept me company, but she left a while ago." My chest tightened, but he quickly set the words straight. "No worries, though. She said she was just going to check up on her old home. She should be back shortly. We should invite her to eat with us."

I hid a snicker. Alice would have to pass on that request. Unless I brought some cattle to the dinner table, Alice´s appetite would have to wait, though I imagined that in her human years she would have appreciated my Thai peanut dish. She seemed like the kind of person who would appreciate something spicy.

He continued, "Oh! And speaking of which, I just got off the phone with Billy and Jake. They´re coming to dinner as well, if that´s okay."

I stumbled and nearly fell flat on my face. Great… just great. Looks like I would have to postpone my self-reflection for a few more hours. I really wished that my father could warn me when he was planning on inviting others. Besides the obvious, how was he to know if I had enough ingredients? I gave him a fake smile that I hoped would pass, "Sounds great," and headed straight to the kitchen.

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**BPOV**

Billy looked cautious as I presented him with a plate of Thai peanut chicken. I didn´t think it was very exotic, but there wasn´t a Thai restaurant for miles, so it wasn´t a shock that he´d never heard of it. The Phoenix had remained within me.

I didn´t look at Jacob when I passed him his plate. I couldn´t bring myself to because he was looking at me so intently, so lovingly, and the pondering looks of my father had me blushing my least favorite color at the moment. At this rate, Charlie would find out about our new relationship in no time. I didn´t doubt that he would be pleased, in a way. What parent wouldn´t love for their children to be with someone they know and trust? And our family had known the Blacks for longer than I existed. I only vaguely remembered my childhood trips here, seeing Jacob and his sisters. It was hard to imagine that that little boy had grown to be my best friend, and now something more.

Jacob and I ate in silence, myself for obvious reasons, him because he had a cold and every time he inhaled the scent of the spices, he fell into a fit of sneezing. Under other circumstances, it would have been quite funny. Our fathers currently thought it was funny. Little did they know that the day had been quite serious, and we had no room for laughter.

Regardless, Jacob smiled at me, and I was calmed.

Finally, when all remnants of the food were gone and the adults had their attention turned a particularly amazing maneuver on the screen, Jacob whispered to me, "Um… have you… told him yet?"

I was ready to ask what he meant, but a second later I understood. The rise in temperature wasn´t due to Jacob´s proximity this time. "No… I don´t know… I think it might be a little weird."

"Why?" He asked.

Something about his face looked so serious, and hurt. That didn´t make any sense. What did it matter whether my father knew about us? Then I considered the likely possibility that he thought I wouldn´t tell Charlie out of shame.

I took his hand under the chairs where our parents couldn´t see. "Please just trust me… I think it´s better for me if we do this slowly."

He appeared to be thinking for a while, but nodded with a satisfied look about him. "Alright… I think you´re right. You can tell him when you´re ready to."

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**EPOV**

Alice had been anxious to get back to the house. To my surprise and delight, the rest of the family had already made their way back up to Forks and had a rendezvous at the old house. The debate beginning now was whether or not they were actually back to stay. I had a feeling they would all want to stay, but regardless of their choices, I wasn´t going anywhere. For the first time in months, I knew exactly where I needed and wanted to be, and I wasn´t about to run off again.

When I heard Charlie on the phone with Billy Black about dinner and a football game, I knew that luck wasn´t on my side tonight. Billy mentioned that Bella had just been seen pulling into their driveway, and walking to the garage to find his son. That was unusually hard to hear. I had to wonder why she would be heading over to see Jacob Black after school. And I was disgruntled, because if she had headed home immediately after school she would be in my arms by now. Werewolves were turning into an even bigger problem for my personal life.

As it was, I knew that I would have to wait for Bella to be alone before I met her, and that possibility didn´t exist until the night. Although it was hard to leave Bella´s scent behind, it truly was best to go along with Alice to the old house. I hadn´t seen them in a while and Esme was especially anxious to see me, according to Carlisle.

When I approached the house, I felt oddly happy. For years, our house had been the only place where we could be totally at ease, where we could be ourselves. With Bella, I could be myself even outside of this home, but this house of fragile walls and glass would still always be a place of security for me. I entered the front door only to find my arms suddenly full of my mother, and I smiled. "Hey Mom."

She pulled back to look at me and put my face in her hands. In her mind, she was thinking she hadn´t seen me this happy in a long time. My smile grew. That, I couldn´t deny.

´_You have no idea how happy I am to see you.´_ She thought.

"Me too," I said, "More than you know."

She embraced me again, and even in her cold body there was the warmth of a mother. I felt guilty for not having contacted them after going to Brazil. I hadn´t realized that beneath the pain of missing Bella, I was missing them too.

My whole family surrounded me then, embracing me, except for Rosalie, of course, who looked on but was still close by. I was passed from person to person and surrounded by them. And it felt good to be home.

"Have you seen her yet?" Carlilse asked.

I was reminded of my anxiety, and sighed. Alice answered for me, "She went to a friend´s house after school."

The look she gave me, as well as the vicious undertones of her thoughts, told me she didn´t like this Jacob too much. I couldn´t blame her. Werewolves were nothing but trouble, and they were determined to hate us even when we had never done them harm. Bella might not like it, but I wasn´t going to let her go on outings alone with a werewolf. She could get seriously hurt. Just like my Bella. Once the vampires are gone, she finds herself yet another predator to hang around. I shook my head. Difficult girl.

Rosalie snorted, "Then perhaps we shouldn´t be celebrating just yet. We don´t even know if she´ll take you back."

"Cut it out, Rose," Esme chided, then soothed, "Of course she will."

She rolled her eyes, "Why did we even bother coming back? Edward is just going to make us leave again."

"I won´t." I replied, "Even if I left again, which I won´t, I couldn´t force you to change your lives just for me. And anyway, I have no intention of going away ever again. I realized that leaving was a mistake. I… suppose I have you to thank for this."

Her face contorted into a scowl and she turned her chin away, but her thoughts were sincere, ´_Sorry about the phone call.´_

I took care not to let the others know that Rosalie had apologized, letting her keep some of her misplaced dignity. "In the end, I´m glad you called me. It gave me the final push to come back."

She visibly relaxed, but only slightly. It was no secret that she still didn´t like Bella. In my opinion, nothing could come close to Bella, so I could understand, with Rosalie´s vanity, that she would react that way.

When Jasper spoke up, it wasn´t in his thoughts. Unlike Rosalie, he felt no shame in saying what must be said. "Edward… About… Bella´s birthday party… I´m so sorry."

I cringed. That was a memory I wanted to forget. Him saying it reminded me that our very existence was dangerous to her, but I would not be swayed again. "Don´t worry about it, Jasper. We´ll have to be more careful." And then I chuckled, "And keep her in a cushioned room when she comes over."

They laughed lightly. Who would have thought that a little paper cut was dangerous? Perhaps my words weren´t such a bad idea.

I could dwell on the burden I was in her life. I could spend an eternity going through the reasons of why I shouldn´t pursue her, but I would not bring myself to do either. The prospect of seeing her overwhelmed me with joy, and it was all I could do to wait another few hours before rushing back to her house.

When the moment finally came, my family looked like they were sending a child off to their first day of school. Their eyes and thoughts were full of hope and peace. I was finally going to see my Bella, after many long months of agony, and they all could feel my happiness just as clearly as Jasper. Alice looked a little concerned about something, but I couldn´t tell what. In the midst of my goodbyes, I saw Jasper approach her and look questioningly into her eyes, trying to ask her what was wrong even though she couldn´t read his mind. Her thoughts were too scattered for me to figure out what was wrong, but her fear didn´t seem to be anything serious. She seemed more impatient than anything else. She was the last to hug me, and smiled fully, erasing all traces of upset, "Hurry up and go get her. We´re waiting for her."

I smiled back. Alice had had some quality time with Bella in my absence. Now I wasn´t sure if I would be willing to share when it came down to it. With no more to say, I leapt through the window and through the trees.

The sun had set… Twilight.

It was like I didn´t even touch the ground as I soared past trees and hills. I must have gone faster than I ever had in my life. No more waiting. No more delays. No more interruptions. Within moments, I would be with my love again. The ecstasy of that knowledge had me so excited I didn´t even stop at the small lake. I ran across it just as easily as if it were rock. Water splashed behind me, glistening in the moonlight of the waning moon and before the water fell again I was already out of sight.

As I neared her house, I slowed a bit. The neighbors were still awake in their houses. I could easily run past them without them seeing me, but it wasn´t them I was concerned about. The Blacks car was still in the driveway. I was disheartened for a moment, but then listened to the thoughts coming from inside the house. The three men were finishing the football game, but Bella was not in the room. I listened more closely and located the sound of her breathing. I smiled then.

She was sleeping.

It was dangerous to approach this house with the Blacks still inside, but I couldn´t wait anymore. If Jacob could smell me and wished to fight, then I would fight to stay by Bella´s side. I had given them a few hours of time when I should have been with Bella. Now it was my turn.

My fingertips were shaking as I came to the edge of her house, the anticipation having built to a point of totally numbness. My mind tuned out the sounds of crickets and the thoughts of the other people in the nearby area. Normally, it would have been difficult, but my cold heart only ached for Bella.

Her window was open, and I was on the sill within moments.

There she was. There was my Bella. Her face was serene in sleep, her dark hair tangled on the pillows. Her mouth was lightly parted, her warm breath beckoning me even from across the room. Her eyelids fluttered, and I knew she was dreaming now. What battles did she brave in her sleep? What troubles did her mind sort through? When had she ever been so gentle, so delicate, then right now? It was hard to remember that I couldn´t have been dreaming, since I couldn´t dream. I still wondered in the back of my mind that if I reached out to touch her, she would fade away, that I would somehow wake up from this and find myself alone yet again. I hadn´t forgotten the tiniest feature, thanks to my finite memory, but the inevitable changes were still there. I had been gone for many months, and although it was only slight, she had changed. Her body would continue to develop for the next few years. As she grew, she was becoming more beautiful with every moment. My eyes burned with the urge to tear. If I had even a drop of liquid in my body, I was sure that they would have.

And there was.

There is water in blood after all, and seeing as I had just fed, there was a bit of H20 in my system until the blood dissolved. I didn´t even know it was there until I blinked. It wasn´t much, but the tiniest bit of moisture appeared on the lower lid of my eye, not enough to actually form a drop, but a miracle in and of itself. When I let out a laugh, it was more like a sob, but it was exultant. Only my Bella could perform such a miracle.

I made my way to the side of her bed slowly, knowing that I would surely combust if I went any faster. My hands were shaking. I sank down onto her mattress and she turned towards me, tucking her hands beneath her cheek like a child. I had never felt more like a knight in shining armor now as I gazed at my sleeping beauty. I wanted very much kiss her awake, just like they did in the storybooks, but doing such a thing didn´t ever seem right. And besides, I wanted to look into her eyes before I kissed her. I wanted to hear her voice, I wanted to touch her.

That was doable. My hand was still shaking when I lifted it, but it was stable enough to try sometime. Delicately, the ends of my fingers brushed her hair. I twisted some strands around my finger like I was toying with the hair of a porcelain doll. Soon, I had all my fingers buried in her hair. The softness of it had me sobbing with happiness, though I couldn´t produce any actual tears more than that tiny trace of moisture.

I whispered her name into the darkness, "Bella…"

The sound rolled off my tongue slowly, like honey. Bella… Even in my mind, her name sounded like honey. I contented myself with the feel of her softness and the memories of the countless nights I had spent with her, just like this. I knew by hearing the thoughts of her father that we would receive no interruptions. I could kiss her and murmur sweet nothings in her ear as long as I pleased. I visualized the shock on her face, a few tears of joy that I would wipe away in haste, taking her into my arms and never letting anything pry her away, finally home. Home was here, with my Bella.

"I´m home, Bella," No truer words were ever spoken, except for the following, "I love you."

She shifted a little and her eyes fluttered rapidly, but she stayed asleep. Had she heard me even in her dreams? Even after all these months, did she still dream of me? I so selfishly wanted it to be so. If I could dream, there wouldn´t be a minute when I wouldn´t dream of her.

Building up a bit more emotional strength, I leaned forward, burying my nose and mouth into her hair. The hand tangled in her hair suddenly held on even tighter. I shook with a sob. How was it possible that I had left her the first time? How had I ever been able to find the strength to let her go? Right now, if I let go of her, I would fall into pieces. You might call it an exaggeration, but I just knew it to be true. My soul could not take any more separation from its mate.

As much as I wanted to listen to her sleep, I had to wake her up. I had to tell her the truth, I had to resolve myself, and I had to kiss her again. My determination to not kiss her in sleep was slipping away already. I lowered my mouth to her ear and murmured a little louder, in that voice that made her blush every time, "Bella… Wake up… I´ve come back."

I gave in a little bit and kissed her forehead. I couldn´t stop myself. At least the coldness of my skin might wake her. She began to stir. A moan escaped her lips. Her body was fighting to stay asleep. I giggled and took her hand in mine, pressing it lightly to my cheek. I nuzzled against her skin for a moment before turning to plant another kiss on her palm. `That belongs to you,´ I thought, ´And it always will.´

Her breathing changed, became deeper. I could feel the muscles in her hand tensing as she came out of her paralyzed sleeping state. Just a few more moments…

The knock on the door was so loud that I nearly jumped back. Idiot! I was so focused on her I forgot there were other people in the house, and behind that door was none other than Jacob Black. The door creaked open. I just had enough time to drop Bella´s hand before I leapt up into the shadows of her room. I could only pray that he didn´t turn on the lights. Shit! Even so, he was sure to smell me right away!

"Bella," he said as he peaked into the room, then a look of mild shock came over his face as he looked at Bella.

At that very moment, Bella turned her head towards him and opened her eyes. It was hard not to breathe as I caught sight of her eyes. They were heavy with fatigue, but her eyes still sparkled. The cloud of sleep had yet to fade from them.

Jacob retreated slightly, "Sorry. I didn´t know you had gone to sleep already."

"No..." Her voice came out groggy, so she cleared her throat, "It´s okay. Come in."

I could have cursed out loud, regardless of the presence of a lady, as he walked into her room. Surely I wasn´t to be denied my time with her again. And what did this Jacob think he was, waltzing up to her room like this? It wasn´t proper. Then I winced, knowing that since I broke up with her, I didn´t really have the right to come through her window either. I put that thought aside for now. All that mattered was that the werewolf left. He was still too dangerous to be around my Bella.

He sat on the edge of her bed just like I had, only on the opposite side. Why in the world hadn´t he smelled me?

Bella turned to look up at him sweetly. Her human eyes wouldn´t have been able to detect me, but it was like she was looking at me when she smiled.

"I was just coming up to say goodnight. If I had known you´d already gone to sleep, I would have left you alone."

Bella yawned. She was still clearly very tired, and struggling to keep awake, "It´s okay… Have a safe drive home."

He smiled lightly. I didn´t like how he was looking at her. Not one bit.

"I don´t want you to feel ashamed. You know that, right?"

What in blazes was he talking about now?

"I´m not… It´s just… not expected, even for me."

"I know… but I still think you´re doing the right thing, and I promise I´ll take care of you."

Good grief, were any of them going to clue me in on the conversation.

She nodded. He put his hand on her hair and I was about to snarl. Before I could, Jacob turned away and sneezed. Ah. There was my answer. He had a cold. No wonder he couldn´t detect me.

He sniffled, "Sorry."

"You´re still sick. You should go home and rest too."

"Will do."

Her eyes were fluttering shut, but she fought to keep her eyes open, "Jacob?"

"Hm?"

"For what it´s worth, I´m glad for having you in my life. I really am."

My heart tightened. I didn´t like the words. I didn´t like the sweetness in her voice when she said it. What kind of friendship was this that they spoke to each other in such a way, that this werewolf would sneak into her room to say goodnight?

What happened next I would forever wish to erase from my memory. There was never a moment I wanted to forget more than when Jacob bent his head and kissed Bella… my precious, dearest Bella… on the lips, and when for whatever reason, she didn´t flinch away from him, but pressed her lips back against his own.

When I said before that I would come undone, this was nothing like how I imagined it to be. I had quite literally envisioned my body falling apart into pieces, becoming weightless. This was far worst. Instead of weightless, my whole body became heavy. Instead of my limbs crumbling, my insides did, rotting away as though acid had been poured down my throat by the gallons. The pain and rage were so powerful I didn´t think I could possibly emerge from them.

I couldn´t bring myself to breathe as I watched this scene unfold. I didn´t even know if I could. Had I not felt Bella´s warmth in my hands not moments ago, I would have been certain that I had somehow died. This agony could only be death. Any breath I could inhale was wasted energy. I was dead.

He ran his hand over her cheek, and my whole body trembled. My vision was blurring but I forced myself to keep watching. No matter how much it hurt. She would stop this. She didn´t want this. ´Push away, Bella,´ my heart pleaded, ´Push him away from you.´

She didn´t. She leaned into his touch, and smiled. She actually smiled at the werewolf´s touch, a smile that used to be only mine. At the moment, I learned that heartbreak was neither an exaggeration nor a metaphor. I had a clear enough sense of my own body, and my heart was being shredded through. Whether an hallucination or not, I could feel it coming apart in strips of blood, as though I had any blood to give for this injury.

He pulled away, but it was too late to save my heart. They smiled sweetly at each other and for the first time in 100 years I felt ill. I wanted so much to crush him in my hands and at the same time I wanted to cower away from this, so I could only do nothing. He slipped away and shut the door. My Bella was already asleep.

I dropped to the floor, but was on my knees before I knew it, by her side, searching her face for a reason why she would do such a thing. How could she betray me like this?

No… She wasn´t to blame. This was my fault, wasn´t it? It always was. Bella only had done what I told her to do… She´d moved on. She´d done good by herself. Who was I to assume that she would be here waiting for me like some pet? I was disgusting for even having considered that she would welcome me back with open arms.

I pressed my face into the edge of the mattress and cried, so silently she wouldn´t hear it even in her dreams. I should have been happy. My Bella had found happiness, even if he was a werewolf. She had found someone to take care of her, someone who I knew had feelings for her. I could tell just by looking at his face. He looks just like I feel whenever I look at her. So why in God´s name couldn´t I feel happy right now? But I knew why. I had been so naïve, so hopeful that we would be able to start off right where we left off. Coming home to her had been a joy I hadn´t known for half a year. I had been so blissfully happy to find her again. Now any hope I had for my own happiness was gone.

And could I leave her to a relationship with a dangerous animal? Did I even have the right anymore to keep her away from the werewolf? With a wince, I knew that the answer was no. I had no say over her life. To force her away from her relationship because of what Jacob might do would only break her again. If I could be certain that Jacob could be trusted, maybe I could be at peace with that.

But Bella was happy. That was enough, wasn´t it? I turned my head and looked at her sleeping face. She must have been dreaming happy dreams. Her lips were curved into a smile, and she sighed. She was so precious to me, and I knew in that moment that I would suffer for the rest of my endless existence if she could have a human lifetime of happiness. Yes, my pain was worth it. Everything was worth it for her.

There was nothing I wouldn´t do for her sake. Her safety, her happiness… I would have given away the whole world for her. If he would make her smile, I would pluck the stars from the sky and present them to her. If I could do that, if I could do the impossible, then I could do this. I could let Bella go.

I tried to get up, I tried to look away from her, but I couldn´t. Leaving was hard enough the first time, and now I was doing it all over again. And I would never get the chance to tell her how I felt, how I really felt…

"Bella…" I sobbed, "I love you… I love you so much."

It would have to do. It was the only thing I had to give her.

She wasn´t my Bella anymore.

To be continued…

**Wait a minute while I wipe away some tears… Okay then. I was hoping I could get farther with this, but with that comes next it´s too hard for me to get the breaks right. This chapter was quite sad, but I think the next one will be significantly happier. It took me longer than I thought to write this chapter. I felt like I had to get it just write, so I rewrote it many times.**

**Oh, and about the tear thing. I figure that they should be able to tear since blood has water in it, but who am I to make up physics for a mythical creature. I just felt like putting it in because he´s too unsatisfying when someone cries but has no tears.**

**Please continue to let me know how I am doing. I am quite distressed at the number of reviews. It´s the smallest amount I´ve ever gotten for the number of chapters :( so please take a second to say something. Even an "I love/hate it" will do. I´ll be up with another happier chapter in a few days. xoxoxoxo**


	5. Ch 05: My Purpose

Ch 5: My Purpose

**BPOV**

Saturday and rain.

I slept more soundly than I had in a very long time. There were no nightmares. I dreamt someone was holding me, there was water all around us, and that was all I could remember, but I´d never felt safer. I snuggled deeper into my bed, hoping to regain the feeling. A bed was just a wonderful thing, so full of security and warmth, the vessel of happy dreams.

However, I was glad that there was no school today. I was still too distracted with thoughts of Jacob to think about much else. I was relieved that he was being patient with me, and hoped he didn´t get too annoyed. Still, I figured I had plenty of time to get used to the idea of being his girlfriend. I still cringed at the word. I should start by just being able to say the word out loud.

I went to look out the window. As usual the skies were cloudy. Even after being here this long, I couldn´t help but be disheartened by the weather. I always did hate the cold… well, in most circumstances.

I closed my eyes and revisited my dream. The arms around me didn´t have a temperature, but I could imagine them being as cold as ice, as hard as rock.

´Stop it,´ I told myself. Was it any good to dwell on these things? I had Jacob now. I was going to be okay, wasn´t I?

Of course I did the exact opposite of what I was telling myself to do. I lingered there, staring at the window, somehow expecting Edward to be there by his silver car, waiting for me, just like he did every day before school.

"_It will be like I never existed," _his velvety voice ran perfectly in my mind. I could never forget that voice.

I wanted very much to have another run in with trouble, so I could hear it again. I was terrified that someday I would forget that perfect voice. Edward had been true to his word. He erased every trace of himself from my life, even his family. I missed them with an intensity that almost matched my longing for Edward. Did any of them know how much they meant to me? Did Alice understand how much I appreciated her friendship? Did Emmett know he was like the big brother I had always wanted? Did Rosalie understand how beautiful she was even to me, in spite of her hating me? Did Esme and Carlisle understand how much I appreciated their compassion?

Did Jasper forgive me for what happened at my birthday party?

I never saw him again after he was dragged away, and though I asked for someone to apologize for me, the apology felt incomplete. I knew that Jasper was the most recent "vegetarian" of the family and on top of having to deal with his own hunger, he had to deal with the hunger of everyone in the room. I should have been more careful. I knew that whenever I was with them, I was in some kind of danger. Even without bleeding, my scent hurt every one of them. Getting that cut was pure recklessness on my part, no matter how small the accident.

And Edward, my dearest, gorgeous, wonderful Edward, I couldn´t count the things I wanted to pluck from his mind. How did he think of me now that he no longer loved me? Did he even care? Did he think about me for even a moment after we parted? I doubted it. There was nothing special about me to remember. I wouldn´t be surprised if he found someone more beautiful, more deserving of all the love and attention he had to give.

He had been the one to save me from Jasper. I wonder if then he knew that it was too much to be around me. Of course he was a good person and he wouldn´t hesitate to protect me, but maybe in that instant he knew that this was too much of a burden to him. What kind of life was this, where a paper cut meant life or death? And yet we had both known an easier way out. To take my mortality wasn´t such a bad idea to me. Perhaps even when he loved me, he knew that it was bound to end. He certainly wouldn´t "doom me" as he once put it to a life with him unless he truly wanted to be with me.

That thought burned me more than James´s venom had. My arms folded into my chest, as they always did when I thought about such things. ´_Of course he wouldn´t want to spend forever with you, Bella. Don´t be ridiculous._´

There was only one remedy for this pain: Jacob.

After getting dressed, I barely even had the chance to say goodbye to Charlie before I was in my truck and pulling out of the driveway. I knew that just like every other Saturday late morning Jacob would be indulging in his mechanical hobbies. I knew I could count on him to distract me from painful memories.

In the meantime, memories of Edward and his family permeated my thoughts, and the last day I had been able to be with his family, on my birthday. What a disastrous birthday it was. I knew there was a reason not to like it. Still, they had looked so happy to celebrate with me, and at the time I was grateful for their affections. I still had their beautiful home memorized to a T.

It was raining even harder now. Within minutes it was coming down in sheets. I turned on the windshield wipers, which did next to nothing but clear the view for a mere fraction of a second.

That little home with it´s priceless art and a smooth grand piano. Edward´s song, which I was slowly forgetting, echoing off the walls. The room had been designed precisely to achieve the best acoustic quality. The kitchen, better suited for one of those cooking shows on TV, never used unless I was with them. Edward´s room, filled with music and light.

In a moment´s notice, I came to a decision. Edward may think that he would be able to take everything about him out of my life, but there was one thing he hadn´t gotten rid of: his house. I had passed by it before to see it looking abandoned, but this time I would not give up before I broke inside. Maybe Alice would be there… If anything, I just needed to remind myself that he did exist, that for a moment my life had been filled with bliss. I turned down the old road, suddenly speeding up, trying to get there before the rain made it impossible. Travelling into the mountainside was always so much harder with the rain. Of course, the Cullens had no worries when it came to weather, only that it kept their secret safe.

My poor truck was barely up to the challenge, but I knew it would make it. If it survived a collision with Tyler´s van, it could survive a little rain and some hills. My heart rate accelerated as I whizzed past some hard turns, and fear seized me, but in that moment, something wonderful happened…

_´Bella, slow down! You´re going to get yourself killed!´_

I smiled through my fear. His voice. Without delay, I pressed down on the accelerator even harder, the engine roaring through the pitter-patter of rain. I took the next turn, the force of it would have thrown me to the passenger side were it not for my seatbelt. I still had to grip the steering wheel hard to keep myself from losing control.

_´Stop it! Stop right now! Turn around and don´t come back!´_

"Never," I said out loud. I would reach his home, and I would hear his voice as many times as it took to lose the pain.

I took another turn, and then another, and soon I was going over twice the speed limit. The turns were getting more and more frequent, and now I had to deal with some drops on the road, small hills here and there. I saw ahead of me a turn that was particularly sharp, and I had enough sense to know that if I didn´t break, I would certainly crash. I had enough sense in me to keep myself alive, no matter how badly I wanted to continue listening to Edward´s voice. I was nearing their house anyway. Reluctantly, I put on the brakes…

And nothing happened.

It took me the tiniest millisecond to figure out the obvious: ice and water. I had been going too fast and now the brakes would not save me and nor would the steering wheel. I was going to be sent wherever the velocity of the car took me.

The wheel swung out my hands just as the car did, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was thrown in every direction but without hitting anything, thanks to my seatbelt. There was only enough space for me to touch the dashboard, but it couldn´t hold me in place. The world was spinning all around me outside of the car, and I shut my eyes. It was only a matter of seconds before I hit something. I had seen that behind this curve, on either side of the road, there was a mountain wall and quick drop off into the forest, with plenty of trees to crash into. Either one at this speed would destroy my car and no doubt injure me, though to what extent I did not know. I highly doubted that fate would take pity on me and change the rules of gravity so that I would somehow stay on the road. Suddenly I heard metal creaking and felt a gust of wind and rain on my face. Odd, I didn´t hear any windows breaking. My seatbelt apparently couldn´t save me from everything. I was certain that something had crashed into my car. I was drenched in cold water and I had hit something hard, though with less force than I had imagined.

My heart froze when I realized that my seatbelt had come undone! I didn´t even have time to consider why. I was airborne, against this hard thing I had been pushed against. Maybe I was against the mangled door of the car that had been ripped off. I was too terrified to open my eyes. I waited to crash into the mountain side or into a tree, waited to break every bone in my body, and suddenly the sensation of moving stopped.

Then I was positive I had died. I no longer felt like I was moving through air, but I had felt no pain of impact. The only thing I was aware of at the moment was that rain was beating down on me.

The next thing I was aware of was that I wasn´t touching the ground, I was somehow suspended against this hard object.

And then my heart started up again, beating so loudly and so hard that it hurt my chest. This object was no object… It had arms… Arms that were holding me up, holding me against something else covered in a thin cloth… A chest.

And there was only one person who had that sweet smell, who was this hard and cold, fast enough to pull me out of an out of control car.

I opened my eyes, and saw gold.

......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**EPOV**

Saturday and Debussy.

The beauty of his compositions did little to assuage my pain. One of his Nocturnes, Clouds specifically, which normally made me feel like I truly was floating among the clouds, now sounded like heavy sighs of sadness, of hopelessness.

I was lying on the couch in my room, staring up at the ceiling as the music wrapped around me, sheltering me. It was enough to distract me from the thoughts of my family, but not completely. For the most part, they were smart enough to know not to bother me. I don´t think I could manage to be confronted with them now, even if the only desire on their part was to comfort me. Their comfort would only make it worse. Whenever I was questioned about what was wrong, why did that always make me feel worse? Maybe it was because it made the pain that much more real, that other people could see it so clearly. Looking at the mirror, I could see it myself. I looked deader than a corpse. I hadn´t bothered to look at my appearance when I had left Forks. If I looked like this now, after one day, how had I looked then? I didn`t think I wanted to know, but then again, I didn´t much care. What were looks when I had no one to impress?

Esme´s mind was especially concerned, and her thoughts drifted in through the music. _´Was what Alice said true?´_

Ah, so Alice knew about Bella´s new relationship… I wanted to be angry with her for not telling me about it, but I understood why. Earlier, when I had arrived home looking worse than I ever had, her mind had murmured to me that she had been hoping it wasn´t too late. How could it have been too late? Bella had clearly forgotten about me. And then, though she tried to stop herself from thinking it, she thought that if I had come a day sooner, their relationship wouldn´t have begun.

So Bella and Jacob´s relationship had just begun the day before? The day when I was rushing back to her? God… Could fate be any more cruel? That at the very moment I was so desperately returning to her, she was kissing him? My heart rose to my throat. The memory of their kiss was glued to the back of my eyelashes. Whenever I blinked, I saw it again. As a vampire I didn´t have to blink, so I at least had that, but the memory was still there, haunting me. To think that I had only been a day late in arriving meant little, however. Had it not been Jacob it would have been someone else. Bella had clearly moved on from me, and she was ready for another relationship. How could someone as beautiful and wonderful as her remain single for very long? Especially when they weren´t missing anyone… least of all me…

When I finished Debussy´s compositions, I could have turned to the countless other classics to distract me. Maybe some of Mozart´s Requiem. Dies Irae was no doubt fierce enough to block out some of the pain, but then Lacrimosa would send me into a neverending pit of despair.

_Lacrimosa dies illa_

_Qua resurget ex favilla_

_Judicandus homo reus._

_Huic ergo parce, Deus:_

_Pie Jesu Domine,_

_Dona eis requiem. Amen._

Tearful that day,

on which will rise from ashes

guilty man for judgment.

So have mercy, O Lord, on this man.

Compassionate Lord Jesus.

grant them rest. Amen.

Funny… How very fitting. Maybe the subject of this song was me. A dead man raised from the ashes. I was no more alive than any man who would be granted either peace or an eternity of hell. My heart certainly felt no life in it. If anything, _that_ part of me was dying a never-ending death. And God would show no mercy on a soulless vampire, no matter how pitiful I was, because I was a man who was certainly guilty of many sins.

As it was, I needed to move. Vampires normally had no need for movement, but I somehow needed to. My body felt weary and heavy. I made my way to the living room. My family was not there, but they were in the house and they knew where I was. Their minds were busy with thoughts of me, knowing that I had moved locations. Even Rosalie was preoccupied with me, but still less sympathetic. She seemed more frustrated with my behavior, and started questioning if I would make them leave again. But I was true to my word. I wouldn´t ask them to sacrifice anything else on my behalf. If anything, I could be grateful that they would be close by Bella, to keep an eye on her. Were anything to happen to her, even trouble with the werewolves, I knew that they would not hesitate to protect her, and I was grateful to have at least that security.

The piano stared at me from the corner, not the other way around. I was the only one who played, and now the keys were covered in dust, and it begged me to play. I could sympathize with this instrument. It requires so much attention only to receive so little. It gives and gives and asks only for love. I would have given away everything for the love of just one woman.

I walked towards it, feeling pity for it, wanting to play at least for its sake. I brushed away the dust with my fingers. The ivory was smooth underneath. I had so long forgotten the joy of playing. Even now, there was no joy flowing through me, and composing would be impossible.

I would satisfy the piano´s pleading if only for a moment. Only one sequence came into mine, one song… the only song… I used only my right hand, and it was shaking, making the beat uneven as I softly pressed into the keys. After that, I could play no more. The pain bit into me. Why, oh why, did it have to sound like that? When I had composed the lullaby, it had risen out of me like the happy chirping of a bird, free and blissful. They were the same notes now and the same tempo, so why did it have to sound like a moan? Only now was I fully aware that it was minor… dark.

I didn´t want to remember the song that way, so I put my hands up, and shut the lid.

When I turned again, Alice was on the couch, not looking at me, but thinking only of me. I cursed being able to hear her thoughts. As small as they were, they were filled with pain. _´Oh, Edward…´_

I didn´t pay attention to her. I stared out the window. After a long moment, she asked, _´Will you leave again?´_

I paused, leaning against the glass, and responded, "I don´t know."

She didn´t like that. I could feel how she tensed up. I hoped that Esme hadn´t heard me. Leaving again would break her heart, but how could I stay?

"You promised you would stay," Alice reminded me.

I smiled a sad smile. Yes, I did, back when I thought that I had something special to return to. There was nothing left for me here. ´_My family_,´ my own mind said, and I wondered if that would ever be enough. Right now, I didn´t think it was.

"We need you here," she said.

I scoffed, "No one needs me."

"Yes, we do." Jasper said as he emerged out of the shadows. And suddenly my whole family surrounded me. Jesus, could this day get any worse? "You´re our brother."

Having them bombard me with their pity, I couldn´t take it, and I snapped, "Brother? What brother? None of us are even related! This isn´t a family. It´s a collection!"

I regretted saying it immediately. Esme started to cry. She was thinking, _´What about me? Am I not your mother then? Even when I love you like a son?´_

Carlisle immediately responded to Esme´s reaction and glared at me, "That´s not fair, Edward."

I turned away from them, moving pack towards the piano, and put my head in my hands.

"I´m sorry… I… didn´t mean it." Some of them didn´t believe me, "You know I love you all very much. I just… don't know if I could take being like this for any longer."

Carlisle approached me and put his hand on my shoulder. It was the first time anyone had touched me since I came back home this morning. "I know this is hard for you, son. I can see how much you are suffering. However, you must know that you have a purpose in our lives… and in Bella´s life."

I couldn´t see that. "What purpose do I have in her life?"

"I don´t know, but nothing in this world happens for nothing. You showed a lot of strength for letting her go before, and I don´t doubt that if she ever needs you, you´ll be right there."

"She doesn´t need me anymore. She has someone else."

"Everyone has an effect on our lives. Even the people we merely pass in the street. Your life is important to us and ultimately it was and is important to her."

I now understood the fear in his voice and his thoughts. He feared that I would take myself to the Volturi. I couldn´t doubt that it had crossed my mind. But I had said it before, hadn´t I? In the end, my separation from Bella was not enough to end my life. As long as she existed in this world, I could carry on. Somehow, just knowing that she lived was enough to keep me going for months.

I couldn´t leave my family. I loved them too much to put them through that pain. And maybe if fate gave me some role in Bella´s life, I would take it.

My thoughts were interrupted, as were everyone else´s, by the sound of a car speeding around the turns of the mountain. It was odd, because we were almost the only ones who used this road. Other than us, there was only a forest ranger and a lumber mill within a few miles, and neither of them used this road, especially during rain. I could only assume that whoever it was was lost, and hope they weren´t coming here. Esme was suddenly fearful for Jasper. It had been a while since he hunted. I too didn´t think he could handle an encounter with a human at this point. At least the rain was enough to drown away their far-away scent.

Whoever it was, they sure were reckless. I could hear the screech of the tires against the turns. How many people have died on the road because they were too stupid to follow speed limits? How many people died in the uninhabited mountains because a little curve didn´t seem so dangerous? And yet people cared nothing for the news reports.

Alice´s gasp drew away my attention. I turned towards her. Her thoughts hit me like a wrecking ball, and as quickly as they hit me, they still seemed to move so slowly. I saw a car take the curve, hitting the ice first and then the water, hydroplaning into a spin. But this wasn´t just any car.

It was Bella´s Volvo.

From behind the windshield, I saw her screaming. The windshield wipers moved in front of her like a clock marking the final seconds of her life. Her body was being thrown back and forth as far as the seatbelt would let her. I saw the car slide effortlessly off the edge of the road, gaining speed, and colliding hard with the tree… mangling her body inside.

I had no time to think. The window shattered into a million pieces as I leapt through it, and then the forest was a blur to me. The only thoughts that ran through my head now was, ´_Faster, faster, faster´, _and yet it was never fast enough. I didn´t even know how much time I had. 10 seconds? 3 seconds? Was I already too late?

"_No!"_

I was not too late, and I knew I wouldn´t be. When I caught sight of her car, it was spinning in circles, but the speed of the car was still pulling it in the same direction, only this time it couldn´t pull itself into safety. There were ways to get out of this situation unharmed, which they always taught in Driver´s Ed, but other than fear paralyzing you, there was little chance of that working when you were going that fast into a curve.

Of all the stupid things I had imagined her doing, I never imagined this. This was more than terrifying. It was infuriating! But I had no room in my heart for anger at the moment. My only objective… the only objective ever… was to save her. Carlisle was right. I had my purpose, and my purpose was to protect her, from anything and everything.

Her scream echoed in my head as I rushed towards the out of control vehicle. I only had a few moments to react. My hand reached out for the door, not to the handle, but the door itself. The metal was crushed in my hand as effortlessly as paper, and I ripped it off its hinges, sending it flying behind me.

She didn´t notice I was there. Not only were her eyes closed, but she´d never be able to follow my movements with her human eyes. Next was the seatbelt. I pulled hard. The plastic and metal contraption holding it together was weaker than the intricately woven belt itself, so the entire apparatus came apart. Another infinitesimal moment and I pulled her out of the car, into my arms.

For the tiniest moment, there was only Bella and myself, suspended in air. I was holding her in my arms like the most precious treasure anyone could ever hope to find, and I knew for me, it was just that. For that moment, it didn´t matter what I had seen the day before. It didn´t matter that my heart was broken into more pieces than I could count. It didn´t matter that she could never be mine. She was here in my arms, safe at last, and for whatever small amount of time, I was safe too. It was Bella who was saving me.

My feet touched the ground with ease and I steadied her in my arms. My first response was immediate. I looked at her face, pressed against my shoulder, praying that I had not injured her in my hasty rescue. I had saved her from a run-away car once before, but not one she had actually been inside of. I could smell no blood, but her scent was already masked a little by the falling rain. I noticed then that the rain was strong, pouring over us like a cold shower. She was drenched within seconds.

And then, she opened her eyes, and all the world could have died and I wouldn´t have cared. She stared up at me, her face paling at the sight of me, her eyes widening with wonder and, happily, not fear. We could do nothing. I stared at her. She stared at me. My life was tied back in its rightful place. At least for now, I had her attention. She stared at me as though she was opening her eyes for the first time. I could see her soul through her eyes, quivering, uncertain, shocked, shaken from the escape. I wanted to crush her to my chest, but I couldn´t move right away. Her face was so perfect, I found myself memorizing every feature all over again, even the ones that had been slightly altered in my absence.

Lightning crashed above us, illuminating her face. It shocked me out of my trance, though I didn´t break away from her eyes. It was a blessing, to be able to look upon her. I realized that it would always be enough, until the end of time, no matter how much pain I had to suffer through.

"Edward?" She murmured, as though she didn´t believe it was me.

The sound of my name on her lips made my dead heart flutter wildly. My body felt like it had been struck by lightning. I didn´t think I would ever speak with her again. Whenever she said my name, it felt like something special, something more holy than I really could be. My expression didn´t change, but I swore that everything about me had.

I never struggled to find my voice before, but I was now. My heart burned with the desire to tell her how much I loved her, but it was too distraught to form the words itself. I said the only thing that my mind could fully comprehend at the moment, though I wished fervently that they didn´t have to be the first words I said to her, "Are you alright?"

She didn´t answer me. She didn´t even move her head to indicate yes or no. She just stared to me. God, did her lips have to look so tempting right now? _´Stop it,´ _I told myself, _´Make sure she´s safe.´_

I had to do that. It was my one true purpose, after all. "I´m taking you to Carlisle."

With that, I was carrying her away, but it felt less like a run to a doctor, and more like I was whisking her away, like the knight and shining armor I always wanted to be… for her.

To be continued…

***Siiiiigh* I am most happy to have that chapter out. My mind has been focused on it ever since the beginning. It came along better than I imagined. And I´m still pumped for what´s to come. Up next, we get Bella´s reaction.**

**Only 3 reviews? Wow… I am depressed. I thought my last chapter was more anticipated than that. Oh well, I can only hope you liked this one better. Don´t be too worried to say something negative, too. Thanks to the three that did review! You don´t know how much I appreciate it! **

**Take care, everyone! xoxoxo**


	6. Ch 06: The Distance Between

Ch 6: The Distance Between

**BPOV**

The forest was a blur to me, but my human eyes were no weak to see anything that wasn´t Edward. I couldn´t help when I immediately started to feel nauseous, just as I did the first time I rode on Edward´s back, only this time I was in his arms and could see very little of what direction we were taking. I stared at my savior, but he was not looking at me. Water splashed hard against his face but he didn´t even flinch. It hit his eyes and he didn´t even blink. His face truly looked like that of a statue.

My weightlessness in his arms left me nauseous and exhilarated at the same time. From the moment I had opened my eyes, I knew there was no place I needed to be more than right there. Even if I was drenched in water and freezing cold, especially in contact with his skin, it felt almost perfect. It would have been perfect, if his face didn´t look so dark… Why was that? The circles under his eyes were so pronounced, but his irises were bright gold. There was something fierce in his gaze and it made him look almost like a vampire of folklore, ever ready for the kill.

Still, I was happy. It was only moments later, when we reached his house, that I started to get weary. Edward surely would leave me to be examined in private by Carlisle and I didn´t want to lose sight of him for even a second.

To my surprise, when we entered the house everyone was there waiting for me. I didn´t even have the chance to great them all. I needed Edward to stay with me. I was about to ask if Edward could accompany me when both Alice and Edward gasped in unison. I saw her face, filled with fear, and then felt Edward´s body turn to stone, his fingers tightening on me to the point of pain. I turned to look at him again. He looked murderous, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of him, terrified of him.

"Take her away," he murmured in a low voice.

Alice, still looking panicked, slowly made her way towards me, her arms stretched out and palms upright as though she was going to try to reason with him. Edward started to shake, and he growled. "GET HER AWAY FROM ME!" He suddenly shouted, barely setting me on my feet before pushing me a good 10 feet across the living room and into Alice´s arms.

I cried out. I only saw him looking at me for half a second before he disappeared behind the still open door, and my heart shattered all over again.

The look in his eyes was that of pure hatred.

_´Don´t cry, Don´t cry, Don´t cry,´ _I chanted to myself, but the tears came anyway.

I only thought I had experienced the worst kind of agony, but this new pain was beyond remedy. I couldn´t even feel my body anymore. I was only vaguely aware of Alice steadying me. Apparently she understood that I couldn´t walk, so she pulled me into Carlisle´s office. I stared at the front door, praying that he would reemerge, that that look would be gone from his eyes replaced with the soft look of love he used to reserve only for me. I would give anything to see that face again.

Alice was in front of me again, blocking my view, this time wiping away my tears. "Are you hurt, Bella? What´s wrong?"

"Everything," I cried, sounding every bit like a child. Nothing would ever be alright again.

Carlilse rubbed my back, "You need to calm down, Bella."

Calm down? I would do no such thing. I had just a minute ago been a hair´s length away from death, only to be pulled from my car by my vampire ex-boyfriend, and then he brings me into his house before he all but flings me across the room, desperate to get away from me. I knew he didn´t love me anymore, but could he really hate me like that? Had I been such a disaster in his life that he couldn´t stand to be around me?

Alice shot a knowing look at Jasper, and I could suddenly feel my emotions changing. My upset was still there, but it was like my body was numb to it. I couldn´t cry and I couldn´t tense my muscles. I could only lie back and let them do what they had to do. The tears continued to stream down my face, no amount of Jasper´s influence could stop that, but at least now it didn´t feel like the world was crashing all around me. Happily, Alice never left my side nor let go of my hand. Carlisle finished up quickly, and after checking my eyes, he smiled in relief. "Looks like you´re alright. You really had us worried there."

He looked at Alice with a serious expression and I didn´t turn in time to see her reaction. She was walking into the other room, towards the front door. I could only hope she was going after Edward. In another second, Esme replaced her by my side, taking my face in her hands, "Oh, Bella. Thank God! I don´t know what I would have done."

When she hugged me, I felt much safer. She truly was a second mother to me, and I missed her. Looking over her shoulder, I saw Emmett, my "big brother", giving me a warm and loving smile. He walked over and tousled my hair playfully. That got a little smile out of me. I buried my face in Esme´s shoulder, embracing her back, so grateful that I was given the chance to see them again. I never imagined that they would all be here.

So I asked, "What are you all doing here? I thought you moved away."

They were silent for a moment before Esme responded, "We just couldn´t stay away. Forks is very dear to us, as are you. How could we stay away?"

"What´s wrong, Bella? You aren´t happy to see us," Emmett teased me.

Naturally, it would have been preferable under normal circumstances, but I was satisfied all the same. "Of course I am. I missed you all so much."

Emmett gave me a hug from behind too. I started to cry again, as Jasper suddenly faltered in his attention. I was overwhelmed with despair towards Edward and happiness to see this family again. Any moment I feared I would wake up again, alone and afraid, no one there to dry my tears. The coldness of their skin told me that I was not dreaming. There were as real as ever. For the first time in months, I felt like I was home.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

**EPOV**

_´Monster,´ _my mind hissed at me, _´Filthy beast… Wretched devil…´_´

I pressed my head into the space between my two knees, looking at the ground. I was high enough in the tree that I doubted anyone could find me, unless of course they were my family. I was just so unlucky that my family had to be a vampire family, that I couldn´t outrun them or their words. They would always find me. The rain was falling all around me. I could see every drop pass in front of me, but no matter how much I could focus on them, it couldn´t take away the pain.

My only objective had been to get Bella to the safety of our home so Carlisle could examine her. The falling rain outside had made her scent undetectable, but from the moment we entered the house, the air around her was free to carry her scent anywhere it pleased, and the rain modified it to be even sweeter than it normally was. I had had Bella´s scent memorized alongside everything else about her, certainly the blackest of my memories of her, but I had not been prepared for this. Maybe that was because I had always imagined that when it hit me, I would be a safe distance from her, would be able to fine-tune my reaction. The moment her scent came to me, she was in my arms, and Alice´s vision was flashing before me, the image of me sinking my teeth suddenly in her neck that lay just inches from my lips. The despair at such a vision was enough to make me do what I had to do. I had to get her away from me immediately. No one moved fast enough. I did the only thing that came to find. I threw her at them. It wasn´t with enough force to hurt her, but she had cried out, and when I ripped away from her I had ripped my heart out of my body as well. The look she gave me was so pitiful and heartbroken that I wanted with every inch of me to take her into my arms again. I only knew that if I did, I would kill her. I had to leave. I had to adjust myself.

I turned myself towards the sky and closed my days, letting the water wash over me. This wasn´t how it was supposed to be. I wasn´t supposed to hold her in my arms only to toss her away like some rag doll. I wasn´t supposed to still crave her blood after months of missing her so urgently. How twisted would it have been, after so much longing, to end her life in that instant, in the moment I needed her more than ever? I couldn´t take such a thought.

"Edward," Alice called to me.

I looked down again, only to see her jumping up towards me. Great… Another confrontation.

"What do you want?" I said, colder than I wanted to.

"Don´t be like that, Edward."

"Is she okay?" That was the only thing that mattered to me right now.

"Yes, a clean bill of health. Now go see her before she goes crazy."

No, how could I do that? I didn´t even anticipate this, "No… I shouldn´t even be seeing her at all."

She looked shocked, "What are you talking about? Just yesterday you were running to her house."

"That was before I knew I was too late…" I couldn´t say anymore.

She knew what I was talking about. I saw again the vision of Bella and Jacob by her doorstep, only this time the vision made sense to me. Bella was leaning up towards Jacob, leaning towards him and not the other way around, initiating their first kiss, as Alice´s thoughts informed me. A fresh stab of pain split my heart, and some vengeful harpy must have been turning the handle to tear it out.

"Please, Edward… She looked so upset when you ran out. It was hard enough for Jasper to calm her down enough so Carlisle could give her the check up."

What was I supposed to do? Grovel on my knees? Beg her to take me back like I wanted to for so long when I now knew she would refuse me?

"What´s the point? She´s moved on."

Alice´s face contorted into pain. It didn´t look right on her pixie-like face. Not one bit. ´_You were really going to leave again, weren´t you?´_

I knew the answer immediately. Yes, I did. It would only make it worse to be close to her now. The farther away from her, the better off I would be. And yet I knew that wasn´t true. I needed to see her. She was necessary to me. But I couldn´t deny that my existence here was again pointless, and to watch her slip through my fingers like this was the second most potent of tortures I had ever felt, the first of course, being those brief moments when I thought she was dead. My dead heart sank to my stomach. I had that to be thankful for. Bella was alive. I had saved her again. No matter how monstrous I was, I had kept her safe, and that made my existence worth a little scrap of something.

It was enough to get me out of the tree. This would hurt tremendously, and yet I knew it was something I had to do. Having seen her again, I didn't think I could go for any amount of time without seeing her again. Alice was following but I paid her no mind, walking into the front door again, bracing myself against Bella´s scent.

She was wrapped in a blanket, and her scent was so sweet my throat burned like acid. I clenched my jaw and tried to focus on not jumping for her. As much as I wanted to embrace her, I knew now that it was a luxury I couldn´t afford, no matter how much wealth I had. Who did I have to pay to be able to embrace her one more time? Give away my every penny.

She paled when she looked at me. It made it slightly easily to stand, but it was also painful. I didn´t like the way she looked right now, so lost and afraid, so much skinnier than before. As fragile as she always was, the life of her soul was so strong that it had always seemed indestructible to me. Why did she have to look so broken now? I vaguely wondered if I was wrong in assuming I had handled her gently enough a few moments ago. I was never certain when I was losing control.

"Are you alright?" It felt weird to ask it again. It was the third sentence I said to her, yet it was the same as the first.

She looked to my feet, ever hopeless, and nodded, "Yes."

Her voice was like a bell to me, and the truth of her response was the purest of gifts. "Good," I said simply.

My family started thinking that Bella´s car would have to be taken care of. They retreated from the room, leaving me alone with my love, yet with nothing to say… yet with so much to say. The distance between us was far too grand. I yearned to close it and wrap my arms around her, or run my hair through her hair, or dust over her cheek with my fingertips, so I clenched my fists behind my back and kept myself from talking.

"How have you been?"

I almost laughed… almost.

"I´ve been…" ´_miserable, pathetic, shattered, dead´_ "… fine. And you?"

Had there been even the slightest moment when she had missed me as much as I had missed her? I had to admit that a part of me wished it so, just so I could feel like I had been worth something in her eyes. But there was no way she could love me with half the intensity that I loved her. It just wasn´t physically possible for a human to have their entire being dominated by another. If she really understood how wonderful and then excruciating it was to love her, she would have to agree with me. She was always able to move on… I was not. I was bound to this girl for the rest of my endless so-called life.

She looked deeply into my eyes, looking puzzled for a moment. There was a familiar emotion. I wanted to hear her thoughts more than anyone else´s. What did she think of me now? Did she notice how wretched I looked after months without her? Did she finally see the monster emerging from the alluring image of my body? If she could see inside me, all the way past this shell, what would she see?

"Okay… I guess," She responded simply, "Worried about my car."

My breath caught in my throat. How could I forget? No, she most certainly wasn´t okay. Not when she was speeding up the curvy highway at 50 miles per hour in the rain. And she had the audacity to worry about the state of her car. My tone changed so quickly that she jumped, "What in the world were you doing driving like that?"

She looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but ever so sad. "I… don´t know."

"You promised me," I growled, "You promised that you would take care of yourself for Charlie! Is this what you´ve been doing all this time?"

Had she gotten into other accidents like this? God, I didn´t want to think about the things that might have happened to her. If it was anything like this, I know I didn´t want to know ever. And to think that Jacob was probably the one saving her. I couldn´t stand that. I wanted to be her hero.

She didn´t answer me, so my voice got louder out of frustration, "You could have gotten killed, Bella! Do you understand that? When are you going to get it through your head that I´m not always going to be there to save you?"

I saw her shiver and her sad face contort into a frown of anger. She didn´t look at me anymore. I saw her bottom lip tremble. "That´s really none of your concern now, is it?"

I hated the calmness of her voice as she sad those horrible blasphemous words. I hated how she looked so nonchalant about her own safety, when I had spent months doing the impossible to keep her safe. Here she was, just throwing that away, and for what?

"What were you even coming up here for?"

She didn´t answer me for a while, but when she did, I knew immediately that it was a lie, "I thought Alice was here."

A ridiculous answer. Alice wasn´t here for more than a half an hour before returning to Bella´s home. I didn´t push it though. I didn´t care why she was here, only that she never did something so reckless again. I wanted badly to yell at her more, to make her promise me never to do such a thing again, but it appears I couldn´t put any faith in her promises. And her face was still looking at mine with such anger and sadness… I had never actually seen her look angry with me before. Not really. This wasn´t what it was supposed to be like. She wasn´t supposed to be displeased with me. She was supposed to be happy to see me. She was supposed to jump in my arms and have me kiss her senseless. She was supposed to love me just as she did a few months ago that felt more like a lifetime.

Unable to look at her like that any longer, I turned towards the shattered window. The family hadn´t bothered to clean it up before we arrived. What would I do if she commented on that? That I had been too desperate to save her life to pause even for the milliseconds it would take to go through the door?

I heard her take in a shaky breath and give off a kind of odd laugh, "Wow… I must have been really stupid." She certainly had that right. "Somehow, I…" She was shaking her head as though to ward off a ridiculous thought. The smile on her face was not happy, it was bitter, "I thought you´d be happy to see me again."

My heart tightened into half it´s normal size. This had to be what dying felt like, were I human. Like everything about me was useless, weak, falling to pieces. To think that being immortal had me closer to death than any living human could ever be… I looked away again, knowing what I had to say. I never ever wanted her to do this, and certainly not to find her like this, throwing her life away when I had been battling myself for months to keep her safe, "This doesn´t make me happy in the least."

She whimpered and I turned back to look at her, as if I could ever stop myself whenever she made the slightest sound. She kept her mouth firmly closed but her lips were trembling, fighting against the tears that spilled onto her cheeks. I wished lightning would strike me down right then and there. I could handle her anger. I could handle leaving her be with her new boyfriend. I could not handle making her cry.

"Bella…" I started, wanting to apologize in any way I could, but I still held onto my fury, chastising her with my tone.

"No, please…" She stopped me, "I don´t need to hear it." She took another shaky breath, trying to keep herself together. "I just need to get out of here. I want to go home."

My veins turned to ice. She truly didn´t want to be here with me. As my sadness increased, so did my bitterness, "Fine… I´ll take you home."

"Don´t bother," she snapped, "Alice will do it."

"Alice and the others are busy getting your car towed. I´ll take you."

"I´ll walk," she said, making her way to the door and throwing the blanket off of her.

I grabbed her by the arm, easily stopped her. With her usual tiger kitten glare, she actually looked ready to fight me off. As it was, she knew better. I put the blanket back around her shoulders and glared back, hoping she would submit, "I´m not letting you walk miles in the rain."

"What do you care, Edward, honestly?"

Did she know that even then, as she said my name with such contempt, my heart leapt?

"Do you really think I´m such a horrible person that I would let you put yourself at risk?"

"You´re not even a "person" to begin with!"

That was hitting below the belt, or was it hitting straight into my chest? She had never EVER treated me like the monster that I was. The mask of anger fell away from my face, and she saw it. I knew immediately that she was sorry for it, but the damage was done, and in the end, she was right. I was a monster.

Without another word, I let go of her arm and walked outside at a human pace, agonizingly slowly in making my way to my car, and waiting in the rain. I waited all of 10 seconds before she immerged behind me and got into the car without a word.

I had to remind myself that she wouldn´t want me to open and close the door for her. But the time I thought to do it, it was too late. So I got into the driver´s seat and started up the car. The roar of the engine wasn´t enough to drown out another shaky breath passing Bella´s lips. How was it that in spite of all this madness, I still desperately wanted to kiss her? I wanted to replace those pain and anger-filled breaths with sighs of contentment. Whenever I kissed her before, her response was all I needed to be satisfied for the day? The rhythm of her heartbeat, her breathing, the flush to her cheeks, the way she was losing control and pressing up against me, never afraid that I would hurt her.

We passed the Volvo, and I was happy when I glanced over to see that it looked rather damaged. Under other circumstances I would have paid to fix it myself, but if Bella was really spending her current life speeding down curving highways without a care for what might happen, then as far as I was concerned she couldn´t be trusted behind the wheel. If I had to, I would dismantle the vehicle myself. She was right, it wasn´t my business, but I was making it my own. Did Jacob know about what she was doing? I sincerely hoped he didn´t. What kind of boyfriend would know about this kind of behavior and just let it continue?

"What have you been up to?" She asked suddenly, catching me off guard.

If she only knew what I had really been doing, searching for Victoria and a whole lot of missing her, desperately. I violently needed her to understand all that I had suffered through for her sake, but telling her was pointless now. She would only send me away if I did that. I didn´t know if I could take it.

I told whatever little truth I could, "I was in South America."

The first thing that came to mind when people mentioned other countries was sightseeing and a whole lot of fun. Never mind that I had no desire to do anything anymore without Bella. I couldn´t even take simple joy in being near all that beauty. The moments when I did pass by the monuments, I had only envisioned myself there with her. That would have been one of the first things I wanted to do with her once we graduated; that is, in between college. Go off and see some of the world, spend my time in the most beautiful places with the most beautiful woman.

"Oh, that sounds nice."

I bit down on my lip, almost enough to tear skin. It was killing me not to tell her. Somehow, I had to keep from yelling at her. The idea that she had no clue about my feelings was torturous, and yet I did not have the courage to open my heart to her only for it to be trampled when she told me she had moved on. I gripped the steering wheel tightly in my hands.

We didn´t speak another word. When she pulled into her driveway, I growled. Jacob was there waiting for her. Out of habit, I turned to say goodbye to her, unconsciously ready to kiss her, but she was already out the door. I felt nauseous when she walked right into Jacob´s arms, leaning on his shoulder and seeking comfort. I growled low in my throat. Controlling my jealousy was never my strong point. Now she was just rubbing my face in her happiness. I started to turn the car around, but suddenly found Jacob blocking my exit. How easy it would be to run him over right then. The car would get damaged from his durable body, and he would have probably been fine in the end, but I couldn´t have cared less about it at the moment. Regardless, I didn´t want Bella to hate me more than she clearly already did. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Jacob glared at me hard, protective, "What are you doing here? What did you do to her?"

His mind was searching through answers for why Bella looks so sad and angry. Had I rejected her again? Had I hit her? Had I raped her? The last one really boiled my blood. For anyone in this world to think I would do something so vile to the most precious woman on the planet…

I snarled at him, "Her car crashed and I took her home. End of story. Now get out of my way."

I had to hand it to him; he looked just as protective of Bella as I did. I tried to find comfort in that, but could not come even close. Gladly, he stepped out of the way and within seconds I was speeding back home. As soon as I was out of his earshot, I was sobbing, sobbing so much that even without tears my vision was blurred. The image and sound of Bella´s hatred was forever etched into my mind. Even as a vampire, I couldn`t drive this way, so I pulled over and buried my face in my hands. She didn´t have the tiniest inkling how desperately I still needed her. She had no clue how agonizing the past half year had been for me. That was the hardest for me to tolerate, that she would continue not knowing.

It was the right thing to do. I hoped that she would separate from that werewolf, but at the very least she would be away from me. My desire to be back at her side meant nothing, even as it drove me across the world to find her. She was safe, she was happy… I would have to live with the misery.

"Edward?"

I didn´t even realize that Alice was nearby. She had opened the driver´s door and was nudging me to the passenger side. I let her push me over and she got in and started up the car again. It was safe for me to curl up in a ball against the side door, trying to hide my sobs from her but knowing I would never succeed.

To be continued…

**Cryyyyyy! Sad chapter, I know! And I know I´m a total bitch for not letting them be all happy and lovey dovey when they met again, but believe me, the happy moments will come all in due time, both bittersweet and pure. Oh, and I know that I´m focusing a lot on Edward´s POV rather than Bella´s, but I do tend to find it easier to write about Edward´s feelings. I´m gonna try to switch them off and try not to get to tempted to fall into Edward mode all the time.**

**I´m happy to have gotten more reviews this time around! Thanks to all of you for responding! Please continue to let me know how I´m doing. xoxoxo**


	7. Ch 07: Hatred

Ch 7: Hatred

**BPOV**

As soon as we pulled into the driveway, I leapt out of the car. Never in all of my wildest imaginations had I thought that I would want to get away from the love of my life so quickly, and yet here I was.

I was an idiot. How could I have expected the impossible? Edward wasn´t going to come groveling at my feet begging me to take him back. I knew all along he was far better than I was, and it took him too long to realize it as it was. Still the fact that he wasn´t infuriated me, that and his apparent disdain for my mere presence. I didn´t want to look at him anymore. I would only humiliate myself by crying even more, and ultimately begging him to love me again. I couldn´t put myself through it. It wasn´t enough when I left my car to not say another word to him. In my bitterness, I wanted him to see that I was happy without him, or at least I wanted it to appear that way. He might not care about me anymore, but at least I could show him that he was replaceable. I needed Jacob at the moment for more than just comfort; I somehow desperately needed him in order to get under Edward´s skin.

As soon as I embraced my boy werewolf, I knew I was safe from myself. He looked at me with fear, so concerned that something was wrong with me. That felt good, to know that he cared if I lived or died. Even if I had the tiniest cut, he would care. I could feel him shaking and squeezed him tighter. Now was not the time for him to lose himself to his temper.

Jacob didn´t return my embrace. He pulled out of it and stalked after Edward´s car, making its way out my driveway. He blocked his exit, putting both hands on the hood of the car. Jacob was strong enough that he might have stood a chance against the machine, and I imagined him crunching the metal in his hands, knowing that regardless, Edward would emerge unscratched. But Edward´s car was no doubt more powerful and sturdy than most, and I found myself fearing for Jake´s safety.

He growled at my vampire ex boyfriend, "What are you doing here? What did you do to her?"

The sound that arose out of Edward a second later was unexpected. He sounded infuriated, and so much like the kind of vampire I had always read about, vicious. "Her car crashed and I took her home. End of story. Now get out of my way."

I bit my lip hard to keep from crying ever harder. He was still dying to get away from me. Maybe he was lucky, maybe he would never see me again.

Jacob was at my side again before I had a chance to collapse. Edward´s car was gone, but I didn´t see it leave through my cloud of tears. Jacob cradled me against him and led me to the house. I collapsed onto the sofa barely even seeing that it was there. I couldn´t see much of anything. Edward knelt before me and took my hand… Warmth… No, that wasn´t Edward. It was Jacob. It would never be Edward. I doubted I would ever be able to touch him again. "Are you okay?"

I nodded, a truly pathetic attempt at lying, and of course Jacob didn´t buy it. He wiped away my tears with his free hand. "What happened?"

I shook my head, "I was stupid. I was driving down the road so fast… and it was raining so hard…"

Panic filled his eyes, a look that reminded me so much of how Edward looked after he pulled me from my car. "Good God, Bella, why? What were you thinking?"

I paused. There was no way I could tell him the reason why. I couldn´t even tell him where the accident had taken place, since he would know I was going to the Cullens´ old home. Telling him about Edward´s voice in my head was even more dangerous. First, it truly did make me sound crazy. Second, my cover would be blown. He would know that I wasn´t getting over Edward at all, that I had been using him from the very beginning to hear that voice. I couldn´t do that to him. He was all I had left, and I couldn´t stand it if he abandoned me too.

"I don´t know," I sighed.

Jacob rubbed his face in frustration. "Well then I guess I should have thanked him instead, but I sure hope you won´t make me."

"I won´t," I said, tears falling on my cheeks again.

He sat on the couch next to me and took me into his arms. "So why are you crying?" He asked, "Did you get hurt in the accident?"

"No… I´m fine. He got me out just in time."

"Did he at least take you to the hospital?"

"No, Carlisle checked me out."

I didn´t catch myself in time. Jacob´s skin hardened and shook. "You mean he´s back, too? They´re _all_ back?"

"Yes," I whispered.

Jacob let go of me and balanced his head in his hands. I knew that he was fighting to keep himself human for my sake, knowing that if he changed he might hurt me in his anger. I never doubted him, though, just like I had never doubted Edward. I had somehow surrounded myself by people who could kill me, but I was either too brave or too stupid to stay away. Like me, they were different. Maybe that was why I needed them. I could relate to them in a way I could never relate to normal people. I didn´t know if that made me less human and more monster, but the latter was sounding better and better each day.

After he calmed himself down, his eyes looked dead, staring off into empty space. "The pack isn´t going to like this."

I embraced him, drawing back his attention. "Please… Don´t chase them away. I haven´t gotten to see them in so long. I don´t even know how long they´ll stay here. Please…"

Jacob grimaced hard and I didn´t know why. He took me in his arms and pressed his face into my neck. I was warm and satisfactorily happy for the moment, happy to have him there to support me when I couldn´t support myself. We stayed that way for several minutes, or it could have been hours, but when he spoke his voice was a sea of torment, "Are you going back to him?"

Could I have denied how badly I wanted to? To this day, Edward held a part of my heart that could never be replaced. I had always imagined that seeing him again would heal all my wounds, but seeing him had not closed the gap in my heart, it had only increased it, because there was no love left between us. He had said before he left me that he would always love me, in a way, but even that promise had been broken. He not only didn´t love me, but he wanted nothing to do with me. It was clear the moment he threw me away from him at his house. It might have been all he could do to take me there to get checked out, but his chivalry could not hold out forever.

And here I had Jacob, so warm and alive, and loving me desperately. And I needed his love like I needed air to breathe. There wasn´t a doubt in my mind that I loved him in a special way, more than as just a friend, but still less than I loved Edward. I couldn´t give into my feelings. Edward was lost to me now.

"No, of course not," I said, the most difficult words I had to say all day.

He relaxed and held me tighter, "I was so afraid that was why you were crying…"

I couldn´t understand why going back to Edward would ever make me upset, why I would be crying were that the case, but I kept my mouth closed on that one. "I was just overwhelmed. One minute I was about to die and the next I was seeing his whole family. They are all so important to me, and I thought I would never see them again."

I was careful not to mention Edward too precisely. He didn´t need to know that I missed Edward more than any other.

"If you love them so much, then I won´t stop you from seeing them, assuming that they really are leaving soon."

Esme´s words came back to me, _"We just couldn´t stay away. Forks is very dear to us, as are you. How could we stay away?"_ Had she meant they were here to stay, or that they were just hear to visit?

"And if they end up staying?"

He sighed, "You shouldn´t be around those leeches. Just seeing you around that female one makes my blood boil."

How I hated it when he called them that. "They´re like a second family to me, Jake. I didn´t even get to say goodbye to them last time."

"And the pack? Do you think they could become a second family to you?"

I smiled a real smile, for the first time since I got home, "I´m getting there."

"Then you won´t need those leeches anymore," He said, and my smile faded. "Don´t give me that look. You know I´m only looking out for your best interest."

"Are you sure? Are you sure you aren´t just… jealous?"

He rolled his eyes, but underneath that, his body was tightening, and I knew I had hit a sore spot. "It´s more than that… They aren´t natural. They´re dead, and they´ve admitted to thirsting for your blood. Don't you think it´s a little crazy that you´re their friend?"

"Maybe I can´t chose my friends. If I could, I probably wouldn´t be with a werewolf either."

He tensed up and shook his head, "It´s not the same."

"Isn´t it? You´ve admitted to me that when you lose your temper, you never know who you might hurt… including me."

"I would never hurt you."

"I don´t think you would hurt me either, but I´m just saying that by your own definition it´s just as dangerous for me to be with you as it is for me to be with them."

He grumbled under his breath, knowing he had put himself in a corner on this one.

"I was heading over to see you," I admitted, leaving out any info on my little detour.

"You were? Why?" He said, wrinkling his forehead.

"Don´t look so surprised. I knew you´d be there in your garage."

He nudged me, "You make me sound like a hermit. I do leave the garage every once in a while." I giggled. "Actually, I came here to see you."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely. It´s been a while since we got to do anything fun together. The rain has stopped," he said, looking out the window, "What do you say we go fire up those motorcycles?"

"That sounds great," I mused, "Right after crashing my car, you take me out on a motorcycle."

He pulled me to my feet, "Well I didn´t get my chance to rescue you today."

"Great, so you´re just trying to get me into trouble so that you can boost your ego."

"Come on. Let´s go."

I followed him out the door to his lone motorcycle. The other one was surely waiting for us at his garage. I climbed aboard behind him and pressed my head into his back. We sped off to La Push and I held onto him tighter as we gained speed. I would follow him anywhere, so long as he cared, so long as he loved me.

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**EPOV**

´_She hates me… She hates me… She hates me_,´ I thought. It was all I could think about.

We stopped by the scene of the accident to see the condition of her car. They were just piling up the pieces to take them away. Just as I had always thought, her car wasn´t as sturdy as she had always believed it to be. At the speed she was going, the car was completely totaled. I cringed at the sight of the frame, contorted in a grotesque way, jutting out into the driver´s seat where Bella would have been a small fraction of a second later after I pulled her from the car. How happy I was that she would never be able to ride it again, and no doubt it would be an even longer amount of time before she got her hands on another vehicle.

My family took away her corpse of the car in pieces. It wasn´t worth it to call the police or the insurance companies. This car was done for and we didn´t want to draw any attention to ourselves. They would have a tough time figuring out how Bella got out in time and how the seatbelt and been completely yanked out of the seat.

While my family was distracted, I ran off again, unable to hear their words of comfort. Even from here, they would have heard the sounds of my fight with Bella. I didn´t want to talk to anyone right now. I just wanted to run… to run away from them, from who I was, even from Bella. I wanted to force myself not to feel excruciating pain at her early words, _"You´re not even a "person" to begin with!"_

Perhaps she finally realized what a monster I was. Maybe once she stopped loving me she was able to see how foolish it was to begin with. Love truly is blind after all. I had been blind to reality. I knew all along that we could never stay together, but I let myself believe the impossible. Now that she was out of love with me, her natural instincts kicked in. She knew that inside I was a vile bloodthirsty soulless murderer… What she didn´t know was that I was a vile bloodthirsty soulless murderer that loved her like a mad man. And she never would know.

It didn´t matter. It was best if she didn´t know. At this point, it would only make things worse for me. I couldn´t bear for her to reject me officially. I would be broken beyond repair.

I ran for miles. I didn´t even know how far, or if I was even running straight. I only stopped when I realized that I was about to cross the border into La Push. I stopped in the meadow, eyeing that invisible line. Maybe it wouldn´t be so bad to cross the line. The wolves would descend and kill me in a few minutes at most. Maybe Jacob would come back to join in. How fitting, to be killed by Bella´s new boyfriend. Now he could be her knight in shining armor, destroying the evil beast that had lured her into his arms. In the stories, whenever such a thing happened, the monster had lusted after the princess in a purely sexual way, or at least it could be interpreted as such. I wondered if any of the stories had been based on some level of truth, if the monster had loved the princess with all his being, and wanted only to be by her side. But history is written by the victors. If such a thing happened, we would never know.

There was one thing I knew to be true: I still wanted to be by her side, even if she hated me. I didn´t know if I had the strength to stay away even if she wanted me to. That made me even worse. It made me a sick stalker. I couldn´t be that much of a monster. If she told me to stay away, I would, for her sake, but I didn´t know how.

I had to think of my family in times like this, too. Crossing this border not only meant the end of my life but the end of the treaty, meaning they were all targets. Who knew whether they would be killed or simply driven away, but either way I couldn´t ask them to sacrifice anything else on my behalf. If my death was selfish, there was truly nothing good about me. I don´t know if my fears were warranted, but at least it kept me alive long enough to get the chance to see Bella again. And before I died, as I doubted I would last very long, I would somehow find a way to tell her that I loved her. Such a thing was too important for me to dismiss.

I wasn´t expecting it when her scent hit me, but when it did I tensed, not from the smell of her blood, but of my fear of confrontation. I wouldn´t be able to stand hearing her hateful words again. And I most certainly didn´t expect to see her appear out of the forest on the dirt road riding a motorcycle… no helmet… no protective gear of any kind. And then Jake following after her on his own motorcycle, telling her to slow down but not trying very hard.

The growl that erupted from my throat sounded more like that of a lion than of a vampire. Here I thought that her boyfriend would have the sense to take care of her, and I couldn´t have been more wrong.

Jacob was a dead man!

I leapt after them, not caring what their reactions would be. Jacob was apparently still down with a cold and could not smell me as a leapt over him. Bella was laughing happily and free, wounding my already trampled heart, but I didn´t dwell on it. My anger at them both right now was enough to ward off the pain.

In an instant, I snatched Bella out of her seat. She didn´t even have time to scream. The motorcycle rode up for a moment before crashing down hard, into Jacob´s path. He was surprisingly quick in moving out of its path, and then screeched to a halt, looking around panicked for Bella.

She was slow to realize what had happened. It was only when she realized she was no longer moving that she tensed. Then she looked up at me, with the same look in her eyes that I saw when I pulled her out of her car. She had often talked about how much I dazzled her, without knowing how much she dazzled me, like right now. Her eyes were big and bright. I was falling into them as though I was falling into the deepest pits of the earth.

"Edward…" She said, stunned.

Her voice cut me off from my trance, and I was angry again… Not angry, but fuming. I set her on her feet and towered over her, "What in God´s name is wrong with you? You nearly died just an hour ago, and now this? No helmet, Bella? Are you really that stupid?"

She snarled in indignation. "You´re not my father, Edward. You can´t tell me what to do."

Typical teenager logic! Clearly this girl had no sense of self-preservation, or she believed herself to be somehow invincible. From the looks of things, anyone should be able to tell her what to do… almost everyone, except maybe her pitiful excuse for a boyfriend.

"Have you lost your mind? You aren´t even trying to protect yourself! Do you know how many people die every year doing what you´re doing? There is a reason why doctors call motorcyclists "organ donors", Bella, and you aren't making the slightest effort to be safe! Why are you doing this?"

"That´s none of your business!"

"You´re still not answering my question!"

Suddenly, I was knocked to the side. The force of it was so great that when I hit the road some 20 feet away, the pavement cracked in the shape of a spider´s web. Jacob stood in front of Bella protectively, shaking, loathing me with his stare. That was just fine with me. I would see him dead yet!

He growled at me, sounding more and more like a wolf, "You bastard! Why won´t you leave her alone? She´s none of your concern!"

That was a laugh. The only thing I _was_ concerned about was her. I got to my feet and stalked towards him. It didn´t matter that he was significantly taller than me. I would obliterate him.

"What the hell were you doing? You just let her get onto that death machine?! Do you even care about her safety in the slightest?!"

"She wasn´t going any faster than 30 miles per hour!"

That was my last nerve. I leapt for him, sending him and myself back 40 feet in the opposite direction. Bella screamed, but I blocked her out. I pinned him to the ground. He groaned as he hit, and I relished in his pain. I squeezed his neck with my fingers. If only he was human, he would be dead in an instant, but his skin was almost as hard as mine, and he was pushing against me.

I could see my own reflection in his eyes, and my eyes were ablaze in red. I had never seen them that way before. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE HITS ANY SURFACE AT 30 MILES PER HOUR?! IT´S THE SAME AS BEING DROPPED FROM A 3 STORY BUILDING!"

My fury overtook me. The thought of Bella mangled on the side of the road was more painful than anything I could imagine, even more than the long months of separation. It drove me to insanity, over the edge of reason. I could only feel hatred… Red, hot, blinding hatred. And hatred wasn´t supposed to arise from love. Love was supposed to be pure. There was nothing pure about this outrage I felt. It just proved once again that there was no love left between Bella and I.

Jacob transformed underneath me. His clothes exploded first and then he threw me away from him. By the time I looked up again, he was gnashing his teeth at me, pinning me to the ground, diving to mere inches before my throat. I snarled again, throwing him off me, stepping back to get some velocity. When I hit him again, we both collided into a tree, which disintegrated on impact. The next thing we hit was a large rock, which also crumbled, but not completely.

In his eyes, I could see my own. I didn´t understand it. They were blood red, just like when I had been a newborn vampire. But I had to be seeing things. Nothing was clear to me in this haze of madness.

I lunged for his neck, wanting his blood badly. If I couldn´t inject him with venom, I would feel fine if I sucked all of his vile blood from his body. The disgusting stuff wouldn´t satisfy my appetite in the least, but it would quench my thirst for vengeance. Not only vengeance for putting Bella in danger, but for taking away from me my reason for living, my Bella, who was not my Bella anymore thanks to him.

I couldn´t do that, but with my hands I could feel his collarbone dislocate. It exhilarated me, fed my bloodlust. Gone was the beast who disguised himself as a gentleman. I was ready for the kill, and I would gratify that craving by killing off Bella´s knight in shining armor. He howled in pain and I could have smiled were I not so focused.

He threw me off of him onto the ground, but I wouldn´t let him pin me down again. I tripped him with my feet and sent him down next to me. I rose up to strike at him when suddenly Bella appeared between us, covering Jacob with her body. Oh, for the love of God, what was she thinking now? This was not the best time to go up against an enraged vampire, especially when he was in battle with a werewolf!

I withdrew, looking down on her with shock as the fury faded from my face. She was covering him with every part of her body as she could, gripping onto his fur like a lifeline. She was shaking violently, I didn´t know if it was from anger or fear.

When she looked up at me, I was once again a pitiful, vulnerable scrap of a man, lost, alone, and desperate. Her features were all calm save her eyes, burning with more intensity than I had ever seen. She looked beautiful even then, but it was a kind of beauty that turned my insides in a most unpleasant way. In ancient times, she could have been mistaken for that devious goddess who roasted her pursuers alive with her gaze, even the ones who worshipped her. This was a new edge to our little twisted fairy tale. The weak little princess had become the ruthless but noble protector, she had become the hunter. And all the weapons I had in my vampire body were nothing against the weapons she had against me. My weapons could only break skin and bone. Hers would destroy me from the inside out, from the most profound part of me.

She slowly rose to her feet, and I backed away two steps. As hard as it was to admit, I was afraid… petrified of her, in a way I didn´t even know existed. Maybe it was my body´s automatic response to what I unconsciously knew would destroy me. Even as tears formed in her eyes, she did not look weak to me. She didn´t resemble the fragile girl I had fallen in love with.

She had become my enemy.

My darling Bella hated me passionately. That was her ultimate weapon. She had no more to do than hate me and I was vanquished.

She parted her soft lips, her breath rushing in with a hiss, and she said barely above a whisper, "Go away…" It was like I couldn´t even hear her, my feet had no reaction, "Get out of here and never come back…" My head started to hum, "I never want to see your despicable, sorry face ever again… Get… out… of… my… life."

…

The wind was silent now. Everything was silent to me, even the murmurs of Jacob´s mind, of the people some miles away. A bird passed over me and I didn´t even feel the change in the air. The forest was a dull blur to me. There was only her… and I… floating in endless space and time, looking at each other in a way that was unfathomable to me. I was drowning in her hatred, I couldn´t even breathe though I desperately needed air. She was pushing me into the very bowels of hell. The person who I had wanted so badly to be my salvation was my condemner, just like the wretched fairy tale beast who died only by loving a beautiful woman.

Would there be any salvation for the monster? No, there was nothing that would pull me up and away from this torture. This kind of pain was never ending. And no one would take pity on the lovesick monster. He didn´t deserve to be pitied, and his love meant nothing no matter how intense. He was a destroyer of souls and purity, the devil incarnate.

Every monster, no matter how powerful, can be destroyed. In a most unlikely twist, Bella, my only love, had become my destroyer. Without being able to see it, she was mutilating me from the inside out, without even breaking a sweat.

I stepped backwards, actually stumbling in the terrain, never looking away. I ran my eyes over her again and again, memorizing her once more, and then once more, and then once more. She had ruined me and yet I still burned for her. Behind my hatred and pain, I still ached to hold her against me, to whisper my hopeless words of love to her. I had made that even less possible, and I promised myself, didn´t I? If she asked me to stay away, I would, for her sake… I wouldn´t deny her anything. I wouldn´t burden her life anymore. This was my gift to her, one she would never be able to grasp, the hardest one for me to give.

_´I love you.´ _

When I turned away, I still kept my face firm. If I faltered even the slightest I would break down. I walked away at a slow human speed. Unusually, I couldn´t just break out into a run. I only stopped for a fraction of a second by her fallen motorcycle to step on the motor with my foot and crush it. Oil spilled out everywhere. No matter how much she hated me, I had to do something to keep her from endangering her own life. I continued walking, slowly getting faster, and faster, and then I was flying. I didn´t feel the ground, nor the wind, nor the sunshine that peaked through the clouds. I knew I was sobbing but tried to convince myself that the burning in my eyes was nothing more than the air, but only tears could cause this sensation. I shut my eyes, wishing I would hit something if I couldn´t see it in front of me, wishing that doing so could release me from this world. How wonderful it would be to die, to be free of this pain, and yet I didn´t even deserve that. What was worse than killing a monster? Letting it live in agony for the rest of its days.

The monster was slain.

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Miles away from this tragic fairy tale, a rather fairy-like vampire came across a scroll in her family´s mailbox. Not a letter, but a scroll. There was no address posted. Untying the pretty blue ribbon, the scroll unfurled.

Reading it, she gasped, clutching the letter to her chest as her body froze over. Her husband rushed to her side to see what was the matter. She only murmured two words, "Find Edward."

To be continued…

***Smacks both Edward and Bella upside the head with a fish* Well I certainly can´t make this easy on them, can I? If I did what I want them to do, I would forget all this and they would kiss and be happy immediately, but then there would be no story :) so I hope you´ll forgive me.**

**Also, the chapters will be coming in a bit slower for the next few weeks. It´s finals time at Graduate School! Just when I thought college was bad, it went and one-upped itself. I will get them in as soon as possible! Take care everyone and please continue to support me with your comments! xoxo**


	8. Ch 08: Guardian Angel

****IMPORTANT NOTE**: please, if you haven´t yet, listen to what should have been Edward´s lullaby in the movie, "River Flows in You" by Yiruma. It is what inspired this chapter, especially at the end.**

Ch 8: Guardian Angel

**EPOV**

The phone rang for the tenth time in the last hour. I wasn´t counting the many more that I had purposefully missed in the last 3 hours, most of them from Jasper. Though I knew I was being stubborn, I preferred to wallow in my own misery than be swarmed by my family´s pity. When we had first left Forks, being able to hear their thoughts had never been more of a curse. All they had to do was look at me or think or me, and I would get a clear image of how utterly defeated I looked, more corpse than man. I knew if I went home I would be returning to that sight. I didn´t want to see myself in their eyes. I didn´t want to hear their thoughts of what could have been with Bella. What point was there to dwell on the impossible?

But Alice was far cleverer than the others. She knew what would catch my attention and it was something I couldn´t ignore forever. When I reached for the phone to check what the time was, a simple message was on my screen…

_Bella is in danger_

If this was a ploy to get me back, it was a very good one. There was no way I was willing to risk it. If it was a joke, it would only annoy me, but if it was real, I would fight to the death to save her. I immediately pulled out my phone and called Alice.

"Edward, you have to get back here right now," she said half-way through the first ring.

I was already running, "What´s wrong? How is she in danger?"

"Just get here. You have to see it for yourself."

"This better not be some kind of trick, Alice. I´m serious," I warned.

She sighed deeply and suddenly her voice was shaky, "Believe me, Edward. I would rather that it were. I really would."

That was all I needed to hear. I hung up the phone and turned around, running full speed back to Forks.

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**BPOV**

The world was silent tonight. I couldn´t even hear the wind. There were no cars on the street to interrupt my thinking with the annoying rumble of their engines. The only sounds I could make out were the sounds of my own sobbing. My entire body was buried beneath the sheets, because I was afraid that at any moment I would cry out and alert Charlie that something was wrong with me. There was never a time I needed to be alone as much as this night. I needed to be covered in the warmth of a bed, to fulfill the promise of dreams. If only I could bring myself to fall asleep and escape this nightmare for a while. I did not envy Edward his permanent insomnia. I yearned to dream, to escape to a world where we could be together without complications.

Jacob could not possibly imagine how much it took to hold myself together for the last couple of hours. Watching Edward disappear into the horizon all over again was like stretching my heart to the ends of the Earth. My heart was always with him, but I could never let him go, and so my suffering was just proof that I was too weak to move on, or too stubborn.

Jacob´s shoulder had been dislocated. Knowing that werewolves healed very quickly, we had very little time to act before the bones healed in an incorrect position. Using Jacob´s cell phone, I called Sam and Quil, who rushed to the scene. When they asked me what had happened, I could not answer. I could only cry. Pointing the finger at Edward would mean pointing the finger at his entire family. I didn´t doubt that the werewolves were just looking for a reason to drive them out of town. I had lost Edward all over again. I couldn´t lose the Cullens too. They didn´t ask any questions. The look in their eyes told me that they knew. Remembering that they were able to read each other´s thoughts, they probably got all the information they needed from Jacob, including all the pain he was in. I could only hope that they wouldn´t take this as a personal attack on the werewolves, but as an attack based on my own stupidity. Edward had been right about one thing, not wearing a helmet and going that fast was pure idiocy.

By the time we got to a safe place, they had to dislodge the bone to put it back into place, and his cries made me feel all the worse. He had told me not to be in the room while it happened, but I couldn´t bear to leave his side. He was in this condition because of me, because he was fighting Edward for me.

Jacob was the absolute innocent in this. I didn´t know what possessed Edward to attack Jacob like that, but I didn´t like it one bit. It was my fault and my fault alone for not protecting myself and he had every right to be mad at me, even if he shouldn´t have been worrying about me in the first place. Others could not be held accountable for the things I failed to do for myself. I had never seen this side of Edward before, so vicious and frightening. I hated seeing him that way. It wasn´t the Edward I had fallen in love with.

"_Get out of here and never come back. I never want to see your despicable, sorry face ever again_."

I had never been angrier with him, so why did I still want him to come through that window and hold me tonight? Why did I want to find him and tell him that I didn´t mean it, not really? The thought of never seeing him again twisted my insides into a knot. What´s worse, I didn´t know why I felt that I needed to find him again, to tell him these things. He had made it very clear that he wanted nothing more to do with me. There was no point in telling him that I hadn´t meant what I said if he had no plans on seeing me again regardless. The words would mean nothing to him.

What had happened to us? In my memory, I had felt so loved, so protected when I was with him. He always looked at me as though he was the luckiest man in the world, not the other way around, that it was I who was the lucky one. His warm golden eyes peering into mine as though he could read my mind. I knew that he could somehow read my soul. That smile that turned me to jelly every time. I would have done anything to see that smile one more time, even if it killed me. The soft velvet that was his voice, humming me to sleep on nights just like tonight. I imagined he was humming to me right now, and even then it calmed me a little. Even if now the message of the song meant nothing, it was still my song, back from a time when he thought he would love me forever, when I had hoped he would.

I closed my eyes and he was kissing me.

My heart was soaring.

I could have died right there in his arms and my life would be complete.

He was smiling at me, whispering my name in my ear, running his palm over my blushing cheek. He really did look like he loved me more than anything in the world. I knew that I would die to be with him, to save him, to love him. If I was going to die, to suffocate, to drown, I would want it to be in his love. I wanted to die with his arms around me, humming his lullaby in my ear, the song that sounded just as desperate as I felt.

"_Bella," _he chuckled.

Why was it when he said my name, it always felt like something special? Why was I searching for him everywhere I looked, even after months of being apart? Why was this world so empty without him, so full of nameless faces, people who knew nothing of passion or need? Did anyone need anyone as much as I needed Edward, right here, right now?

I clutched my pillow in my hands, sobbing into it, muffling my cries. Every fiber of my being ached to be touched by him. Like a child in a tantrum who wouldn´t be satisfied until she got her security blanket, I squeezed hard and hit the pillow and bed with all the force I had, which wasn´t very much. I needed the strength to break things, but I couldn´t even bring myself to get out of bed. I wanted to trash this room and this house until I was bleeding, until my muscles were sore and I wouldn´t ache anymore, but I barely had the power to move. I wasn´t a baby anymore. My fantasies weren´t going to come true not matter how much I needed them to. No amount of fighting could save me and I didn´t have the energy to even try.

"_I love you."_

Once upon a time…

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**EPOV**

By the time I entered the living room I had no space for patience, and my family didn´t leave my waiting. They were waiting for me on the couches and they all rose when I entered the room. Alice ran to me. "What´s going on?" I asked firmly.

"Bella´s in trouble."

"You´ve said that already. What specifically is she in danger from?"

Pulling out a scroll from her pocket, she handed it to me. The look on her face told me this was no joke. She responded, "I saw it in the mailbox today after you took off. There was no envelope, no stamps, no address… It appeared just like that with a ribbon around it."

I didn´t hesitate. The scroll easily came open in my hands. Their minds had already clued me in on the author of the letter the minute I opened it.

This was from the Volturi.

_To my dear friend Carlisle,_

_It has been so long since I have been in contact with you. I humbly apologize for growing lax in my writing, and regret that this current account deals not with our prolonged separation. I hope you will forgive me for mixing business with pleasure, as you know I never want to concern you with our dirty dealings. I am still pained that you left our coven all those years ago, but I try to unburden my heart by knowing you are happy in your chosen path, as unusual as it may seem to me. _

_As you and your family well know, secrecy is of the utmost importance not just to us. This is not exclusive to our clans. So you must sympathize with my grievance when we were informed that one of your own has exposed your secret to a human, that your family has accepted said human into your estate without question. Not only that, but your young ward refuses to either kill or transform her into one of us. This is most unusual. _

_As my friend, you know that I would never want to offend you, but I have more than just you to think of. You know as well as I that humans are fickle and transparent not only with regards to their physical bodies. _

_We will be visiting you shortly to speak of this manner and settle this in the most convenient way possible. I hope you´ll understand and forgive my intrusion._

_All my best to you,_

_Aro --_

The paper crumbled in my hand before I could read the rest of the "official" title of that overbearing tyrant of a vampire. He had to direct Carlisle and our family as if he were making a friendly house call. I snarled at no one in particular and clenched by fist over the letter. Part of it, in the middle of my palm, became dust.

"You know what this means, Edward," Carlisle said, looking calm but serious.

I couldn´t speak. There were no words for the panic forming in my mind. How long did we have? When was this letter sent? How did it get here without an address? What if they were already at Bella´s windowsill?

"What will we do?" asked Esme.

"The only thing we can do," Carlisle started.

"No!" I yelled out, without even bothering to read his thoughts. Only one possibility came to my mind, "I won´t change her… I can´t do that anymore."

That option was lost to me now, just as Bella was lost to me. All for the better.

"I meant that we must either reason with them or fight. If we can convince them that she is under the jurisdiction of the werewolves and not us, they might leave her be."

I cringed at his words. Now he was not so far from calling Bella the werewolves´ property.

"She still knows about our existence," Alice spoke up, "That´s the whole reason they are coming, because our secret has been exposed to a mortal."

"Yes, but even the mates of the werewolves who have no werewolf blood know of our existence. All the vampires have to do is threaten to expose them and they will maintain our secrets as well as their own. They fear the Volturi just as much as most vampires do."

Esme asked, "Can we be sure of that? Bella is not officially part of their clan. As far as they are concerned, she could be just another human."

Esme´s concern for Bella overrode her effort to put caution into her words. She was only making me more panicked, but it was justified.

Carlisle sighed, "In all honesty, I don´t know, but if we can´t negotiate we can put up a fight."

Rosalie growled, "Oh great! So now we´re going to die for this human? She isn´t even with Edward anymore!"

"Be quiet, Rose," Esme chided.

"No! No, I will not be quiet," She stormed up to me, pushing through the haze that was my mind. Her gaze was murderous, "You brought this upon our family! I knew all along that that girl was nothing but trouble to us! Just when I think she´s out of our lives, I find out we´re going get killed just for knowing her? I will NOT risk my life to save that… thing!"

I growled at her. I didn´t care how much she hated Bella, she was never allowed to call her a thing. She growled right back. We no doubt looked like two wild cats about to rip at each other´s throats. Carlisle put a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. It was all just a show of dominance anyway. I retracted my teeth and looked at the rest of my family in apology. "I won´t ask you to sacrifice any more for me."

"Of course we will. We love her, too," Alice said next to me, then glared at Rosalie, "At least most of us."

"I will fight, too," Emmett said.

Rosalie turned her head and shot daggers at him with her eyes. He could only smile shyly. Rosalie was never going to let him go into battle on his own. Already she was trapped into this.

"I won´t ask you to fight with us, Rosalie," Carlisle said, "But I will ask you to please, please, work with us here."

In her mind, she was thinking that she wouldn´t be able to stand it if anything happened to Emmett in her absence. I envied her that thought, the assurance that at the end of a battle they had someone to go home to.

No, that wasn´t fair. I couldn´t let another couple be torn apart because of me. What chance did we stand against the most dangerous family in all of history? They were more numerous than us and far more skilled. Going up against them was an attempt at suicide, an attempt I would be all too willing to take if it meant Bella´s safety, but I could not drag my family into this. "No… This is my fight, not yours. If I can´t convince them, then I will let them kill me, but I will not take you down with me."

"It will do nothing for Bella if you get yourself killed, Edward." Emmett said.

"That may be true, but if I can take down even one of them, it will make all the more easier for the werewolves."

"So we are letting the werewolves deal with them, then?" Rosalie asked incredulously.

"Bella is their concern now," I choked out, "They will take care of her."

"Gracious, will you listen to yourself, Edward? Werewolves! How can you walk out on her now when she is with those animals?"

"There is nothing I can do about that, Alice. I have no say in her life anymore. If she trusts them, I have no choice but to trust that she will keep herself safe."

Even as I said it, I knew it was a lie. This entire day was proof that Jacob wasn´t looking out for her best interests either. I didn´t know what to do. I couldn´t stop Bella from seeing him. It was her right to see whomever she pleased and I was no longer in her life to protect her from their tempers. On the other hand, how could I leave her to them without doing anything? Could I really let her stay with them, waiting for the day she would be attacked by her friends or boyfriend accidentally? No matter who I was to her now, I would never forgive myself if something happened to her when I had the power to stop it. So here I was, debating with myself, steal Bella away, leave her alone, take down the werewolves, leave her alone…

"I can´t believe you would put so much faith in them," Alice said, shaking her head.

"I don´t, but I don´t have any other choice. What is my alternative? Kidnapping her? Holding her against her will? She hates me enough as it is."

"No, Edward!"

Carlisle stepped between us, "Okay, cut it out you two. We have more pressing matters to attend to. Edward, we are going to confront the Volturi by your side. Aro may be powerful and arrogant but he is an old friend of mine. I am sure I can convince him that our secret remains safe."

Emmett smiled widely, "I´ve never actually been to Italy. It´ll be a vacation!"

"But we don´t even know if they are still there," said Esme, "They could already be in the United States."

"Then _I_ will go find them," I said, putting emphasis on the word I.

"_We_ will find them," Alice corrected, "once they arrive here."

I glared at her, "That´s a ridiculous idea, Alice. Right here where Bella lives? They would get to her before we could."

"We don´t really have a choice anyway. You remember Victoria, don´t you?"

Of course I did. How could I ever forget? My search for her had come to nothing. The quest for her had been my obsession for months and I still had nothing on her whereabouts. She had led me on a false trail.

"Stay calm, Edward… I didn´t want to bring this up yet, but Victoria has been spotted in the area."

"What?" I gasped, my heart rising into my throat.

"Laurent, too. Bella told me that he found her and tried to kill her. The werewolves were there in time to save her, but not before Laurent told her that Victoria was out for her blood."

My whole body became rock. God, did the danger never end? Was God hell bent on removing Bella from this world? I clutched my head in my hands, wishing I had the strength to crush my skull. I just _had_ to fall in love with a woman doomed to die.

Alice put an arm around me, but it did little to calm my panic, "You can´t be at two places at once, and the only place we can be certain they are both going to be is here. The world is too big and they could be anywhere. With you gone to look for Volturi, Victoria could easily make her strike."

"Victoria was the one who told them, wasn´t she?"

Everyone gasped. Looking into their thoughts, it seemed I was the only one who considered that. "The letter said they had been informed about Bella. Victoria is the only other vampire out there who knows about Bella. She no doubt told the Volturi all about it so that we´ll have even a harder time protecting her."

Oh, God. I could feel vomit of old blood rising to my throat. Victoria wasn´t just hunting Bella, she was herding her like cattle, making all exits impossible, placing her between a rock and a hard place. She was even rounding us up as we spoke, manipulating us into position. It made me literally sick to my stomach.

I fell to my knees. I no longer had the strength to stand. This life, if you could even call it that, was a hell. Bella had never hurt anybody. She was just sweet, naïve, stupid, wonderful Bella. Why did I have to drag her into this life of monsters? Why didn´t I just leave her alone in high school after we first met? Why did I have to go and fall in love with her, only to doom her? My mother embraced me, having dropped to her knees in front of me. My whole family came closer. My eyes looked dead to them but I could still see them all.

"Baby…" She cooed, "I know this is hard on you, but it is the only way. I know you would never let anything happen to Bella. You love her too much," She pulled back and held my face in her hands. Her eyes sparkled as though she were about to cry, "We´ll protect her with everything we have. You have to stay. Bella needs you now more than ever. Saving her from that car crash today was just the beginning."

My purpose… My only purpose… Bella´s safety… Bella´s happiness.

It gave me left-over strength I didn´t think I had. Somehow, that purpose made me able to fight, able to face the monsters that were coming for her.

…Bella…

This fatal wound would not destroy me yet.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

My purpose had begun.

Her whole house was silent, even the outside. There were no crickets out tonight. I desperately wanted their sweet music to soothe me. Without it, the world felt dead, and I was fearful. What kind of enemies lurked in the darkness? Although I could see just as well during the night as I could in the day, I couldn´t help but feel blind. I wish I had the ability to see miles and miles away from her, to see anything that was coming for my love. I had counted on my mind-reading abilities for too long. They would not save her now.

I leapt up to her tree, and then dangled from her windowsill. Like some sick peeping tom, I was unwanted. I hadn´t felt so guilty when she had wanted me to come to her in the night. Now, I was just a pathetic excuse for a man, looming over her like a criminal.

There was my beloved.

She did not have happy dreams tonight. Her hair was tangled in a beautiful knot, a few tendrils wrapping elegantly around her neck or draping over her pillow.

_´Just this once,´_ I promised myself, hoping that I meant it this time.

It was wrong in too many ways to be doing what I was doing, but there was something I had to do before I resigned myself to my fate.

The window creaked as it opened. The room was warm inside and I hoped that my presence would not make her cold. It didn´t look like she would notice, though. She was wrapped so tightly in her blankets I was surprised she wasn´t hot. The duvet cover was all the way to her ears and chin.

I was reminded of that night so long ago when I came into her room. It wasn´t the first time I had done it, yet that night was so very special. I still wasn´t sure what precisely had set me off. She had only said my name. It could have been a perfectly platonic dream about me. It could even have been about another Edward. However, when my name passed through those divine lips again and she begged me to stay, my entire being came undone. It was as close as I ever would be to understanding the process of imprinting that the werewolves went through. It had taken only a moment for me to get tangled up in her life and soul. In a second, there would never be a moment in my life that was stale; every moment of my life I would be loving her beyond compare. I knew even then that my love was endless and insurmountable by anything or anyone.

Now, it was my curse. If I had any hope of getting over this, I would have taken it. I didn´t regret falling in love with Bella. She had transformed me, gave me hope, gave me light. But like a blinding light, like a comet, she had been flashed before my eyes. Once she was gone, I saw nothing. The world was dead to me now. If I had been a human, my eyes would have eventually adjusted to her absence. Maybe I would have been able to fall in love again, or at least settle for someone else, since I didn´t think anyone could ever come close to the majesty that was Bella.

Regardless, at the very least, I didn´t want to feel this level of anguish. I could deal with your everyday human heartbreak, but not this slaughter of a heartbreak that was tearing me limb from limb. How I wished I could be like Bella, that I could mourn for a while knowing that an end was in sight. I knew she must have mourned for me. I knew she cried when I left her. How lucky she was that she had such little time to grieve for me. While it hurt to know that she could do so, the logical side of me was glad, knowing it was best for her. How I wished I could do the same. To live through this agony and know that someday soon the pain would be gone, I could cry and cry and then I would eventually stop.

But I was not a human, and this wasn´t going to end. When something came into our lives and changed us, it changed us forever. It was more profound than most mortal beings could ever understand. And a change like love? Well, that completely overwhelmed the body and heart. There was no way out for me. She was in my heart for an eternity, for as long as time existed.

I knew she was having a nightmare because she was breathing heavily, and apparently she was crying. Her cheeks were wet and smelt of salt. Her eyes were moving behind her eyelids. She was in the Rapid Eye Movement stage of sleep, the deepest state of sleep you could be in. I let a smile touch the corners of my lips as I looked down on her. It was also the stage of sleep where we were most vulnerable to what happened to us in the real world. I so selfishly wanted to let her know everything that was in my heart, that nothing had changed from that night so long ago. I would have to settle for this, and maybe her heart would hear it.

I let my fingertips dance over the rise of her cheeks, removing the remains of her tears. She shivered beneath me, and if I had a working heart, it would have quickened.

I buried my nose into her hair, inhaling, feeling an odd level of calm mixed with pain. Her scent was so unique, so clean, it had long before become home to me. If I could somehow bottle her scent, I might be able to get myself through this grueling task ahead of me. I cried there, against her hair, for a good long while, letting myself be swallowed up by the agony for another infinite moment. Doing this would never be enough for me. I could convince myself that this was all I needed to do what I had to do, but it never was enough. I was greedy for her touch, her voice, her love, everything over which I no longer held any claim. To let her go like this was something I had to do and couldn´t bear to do. Such a jumble of wanting and not wanting should not exist in a single vessel. I was being pulled in so many directions I had only my vampire strength to thank for not flying apart.

I looked at her face again, so peaceful and fragile, the face I had fallen in love with. She was not my enemy when she looked like this. She was only my angel.

I shook my head in dismay. Could an angel ever have her own guardian angel?

Perhaps not. Perhaps she would have to settle for a love-struck demon.

I nuzzled her cheek with my own, another infinite moment of joy and longing, and I whispered in her ear, "Do you hate me, Bella?"

She shifted a little, as though she was going to suddenly wake up and tell me… the impossible. Of course, she settled back in, and I was without an answer.

That was okay…

I shut my eyes and let myself hear her precious heartbeat and her light breaths, vowing there and then in my heart of hearts that I would never let them cease.

"I will protect you." I murmured.

With a kiss to her cheek, I sealed my vow.

I disappeared into the trees outside her home, and waited for the enemies to come, waited to die, waited for Bella to awaken, and waited for the time when she would truly be beyond my reach.

To be continued…

****IMPORTANT NOTE**: please, if you haven´t yet, listen to what should have been Edward´s lullaby in the movie, "River Flows in You" by Yiruma. It is what inspired this chapter, especially at the end.**

**As you might have noticed, I have once again changed the little summary of the story. I know I shouldn´t, but I´m getting jealous of some of the other stories out there. Some of them aren´t even that good and they get more reviews than me. Maybe I was just spoiled by my other stories. In any event, I wonder if I should change the first chapter to make it more interesting. Any thoughts? **

**I would greatly appreciate your review. I know, it´s stupid and everyone asks for them, but they do pressure me to write even when I´m super busy. I´m not going to do that whole ´give me x amount of reviews or I won´t continue´ thing, cause I think it´s just so underhanded, but I do ask for any scrap of advice you can give me. Maybe you have a better summary in mind?**

**Take care! xoxoxo**


	9. Ch 09: Stalker

Ch 9: Stalker

**BPOV**

The weekend was officially ruined.

Sunday.

I still had another day of freedom, but the disaster that was Saturday was too much for me to handle. For the first time in months I was seriously considering skipping school. I doubted I would be able to recuperate by the next day.

On top of that, my car was gone, finished, smashed to bits. When Alice came by, she dropped off the little scraps of metal. No amount of money I had was going to fix it. Needless to say, I had practically given Charlie a heart attack when I told him about the accident. When he saw the twisted hunk of metal that barely resembled a car, he was not only infuriated, but astounded that I had survived. Of course, I hadn´t gone into detail. Alice had given me a wonderful excuse that I had had enough time to leap from the car and safely into a bush before anything happened. Would the Chief of Police think about how long it would take a person going 50 mph in an out-of-control vehicle to remove the seatbelt, open the door, and jump into the most convenient place to avoid injury? I hoped not. It seemed his fury was enough to distract him from physics, and his relief was enough that I didn´t end up getting grounded, though he promised that I wasn´t going to be driving anytime soon.

Monday.

I was ready to bury myself in work, doing just what I did the last time my life became so dramatic. My enthusiasm was bitter. Now I was subjected to the bus. I still hated the cold to this day. I never tried to stay in it too long. Now I had to wait in the near-freezing rain for the blasted bus to arrive. Yet I knew I only had myself to blame. My thrill-seeking had to catch up to me sometime. I was just fortunate that it didn´t end with my death. I shut my eyes against the fresh memory of Edward, the panic in his eyes as he held me in his arms mere moments after my rescue, the rain pouring over us in sheets. In spite of everything I wanted to show him that I was grateful that he had saved my life yet again, yet I had never shown him gratitude… I had never thanked him for doing that. I was too hurt, too angry at what happened afterward.

Even now I could feel his presence, like he was watching me, waiting for me. My whole body hurt with wanting. A year ago, all I had to do was turn around and he would be there. Now he was only inside me. I had told him to go away, that I never wanted to see him again…

When I disembarked from the school bus, the rain had stopped, but I was already shivering down to the bone. Unfortunately, my first class had a broken heater that would only be fixed later in the day. I wrapped my hands in my coat as tightly as I could. I would just have to tough it out for an hour and a half.

Spanish class.

I truly was horrible at this stuff. With any luck we´d be talking about the tropical environments of Latin America, of the heat and sun. Maybe if I learned Spanish quick enough I could escape to there, like Edward did. I took the chair as far away from the door as possible, so that the entrance and exit of the students wouldn´t also bombard me with wind. I was in the corner, fiddling with my notes, when the air suddenly became colder. I looked up.

Oh God…

"What are you doing here?" I asked sharply.

Edward´s golden eyes stared back at me, freezing me into place, but I forgot I was even cold at all as I looked at him. He always had such a numbing effect on my mind and body. Just like a vampire… luring you in before taking out your heart.

"I happen to be in this class. Is there a problem?" He responded, just as defensive, but his eyes were glowing with a different kind of emotion.

"Are you trying to annoy me to death?"

He sat down next to me. The other chairs were already taken. Damn them… "I came back on such short notice. I could only take the original schedule I had planned out."

Of course it was no surprise why he was here and not anywhere else. Last year, we had planned our classes so that we had most of them together. That could only mean…

He answered my unspoken thought, " Spanish, Calculus, Government, Health, Advanced Biology, Literature, and Senior Thesis."

All but 2 of my classes…

I clenched my teeth, "This is ridiculous."

"I have just as much right to an education as you do."

"You´ve had your education countless times. Move over for someone else."

He smirked, and I forgot myself.

We didn´t talk for the rest of the class. I was still boiling over his ever-lasting presence in my life. Boyfriends and girlfriends planning classes together really was a stupid idea. By the time the breakups start happening, there is no way out. Of course, who thinks of break ups when they are tragically in love? No, it was certainly nothing I had ever considered.

Why was Edward even in this lower level class? His Spanish was nearly perfect, probably better than the teacher´s. He must really have been humoring me when he signed up. I didn´t even see why he bothered coming to school at all. He had missed the entire first semester, so he surely wouldn´t be able to graduate on time, but what was another graduation to him?

It was only during the end of the class, when the teacher asked Edward where he had been all this time that I became really bitter. Edward didn´t speak at first. How unlike him to hesitate when he knew the language perfectly. For the first time in the whole year, I made a sad attempt at forming a sentence, "Edward fui a Brasil."

"Fue," Edward responded, glaring at me, "The verb is supposed to be fue."

I had no doubt that everyone else in the class caught on to the tension between us. I could feel the very air around us suddenly hardening. The teacher, however, seemed unaffected, even by my ridiculously simple error, asking cheerfully how it was, "¿Y qué tal Brasil?"

He looked at me again, but seemed to be looking past me and into another dimension. I was certain he wasn´t really looking at me at all. Something about his stark golden eyes tore at me. They were more than just angry, they looked broken, clouded over. I had seen them with such clarity before but now the features were hazy, like he was in the beginning stages of going blind. We look at each other for what seemed like forever, my heart aching, and when he finally looked away I had to choke back tears, "Bien… Era muy divertido" He said in what seemed to be a perfect Castilian accent. Good… It was a lot of fun.

The bell rang and I was already out of my seat, moving almost as quickly as Edward had the first day we met each other in Biology. Everyone stared after me. I felt so humiliated and exposed. No doubt the whole school had been aware of our break up since the beginning, and now the rumors would really fly. I could hear them now. Poor Bella, she´ll always be reminded of what she can never have. Poor Bella, thinking she stood a chance with a god like him. Poor Bella, look how miserable she is.

I couldn´t do it. I had suffered through too much trauma to face Edward in school, at least not today. I got all the way to the parking lot before I remembered that I didn´t have a car, and then I really felt stupid, standing in the middle of the road. There was no way I would hitchhike, and Charlie was definitely not going to be okay with me playing hooky. I practically stomped my way to the other side of the school. Eyes followed me everywhere, but at least Edward was nowhere in sight. I almost fell on my face when I saw Rosalie and Emmett looking at me from across the way. Rosalie had no expression on her face as she regarded me, but Emmett looked like he wanted to come over and say hello. Rosalie pulled him towards the building they were about to enter.

Just as well. I needed some time to myself, to clear my head. Around the corner was the forest. I didn´t have to go far. There was a beautiful sitting area just beneath a canopy of branches. It was wet and muddy, but it would do. There was a log lying against a tree that was dry enough to sit on.

So I got to work. It was easy to push all my troubles from my mind when I had to focus on an endless array of forgettable facts. My grades had skyrocketed this last semester. I wasn´t about to let them fall again.

When I ran over the conjugation of Spanish verbs in the past tenses, I growled.

"_Fue," Edward responded, glaring at me, "The verb is supposed to be fue."_

I instantly fumbled with the books. I was about to force it and my notes into my backpack when a strange sound caught my attention. It could have been the sound of a bird, but the sound itself frightened away a group of swallows, who whisked above me and through the trees. The sound had been musical, soft, dark.

My heart was pounding in my chest, enough that it made my entire upper body shake a little. I shut my eyes, trying in vain to drown out the myriad of emotions running through me, scorching my veins. I knew this feeling. It was not new to me.

"Edward?" I whispered hesitantly.

There was no answer.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I made it to my final class of the day, the only class I knew Edward would not be in, but the pounding of my heart had not stopped. This feeling wasn´t exactly that of fear. I was annoyed, frustrated, sad, and anxious, but I was not afraid. I was certain that Edward had been there with me in the forest, somehow… My heart had memorized his velvety chuckle.

But I didn´t see him again that day. Even at Gym I anticipated seeing him, just as I did whenever I arrived and left. Edward had always walked me to that class, and was always waiting for me as I left. My eyes lingered on the corner where he always waited for me, my inattentiveness resulting in a tennis ball hitting me in the back of the head. I was sure making a poor attempt at looking like I was over him. I wished I had his ability to read minds and see what others were thinking of me. How odd. I never used to care what others thought of me, only that they didn´t draw too much attention to me.

But maybe what I really wanted to do was read his mind, to know where he was, what _he_ thought of me. He obviously hadn´t listened to me when I told him to disappear, but why did he stay? He had no reason to… Did he?

´_Don´t even go there, Bella´_ I thought to myself, ´_If he wanted you back, you would have known by now.´_

Very true. If he loved me still he wouldn´t possibly be so desperate to get away from me. Not desperate enough to leave again, apparently, but enough to avoid talking to me. It was just like when we first met. Edward, wanting nothing to do with me, and myself, unable to accept it and move on, the questions gnawing away at my insides.

I couldn´t go down this path again. This wasn´t going to be like before. I couldn´t force him to love me again and I didn´t want to. Maybe seeing him so rude and abrasive would make it easier for me. Eventually, it would be clear that I was better off without him, right? It seemed doubtful even in my mind.

I spent the evening staring out my window, looking for signs of movement, then pretending like I was doing something else, just in case he was out there, laughing at me. God, could I be any more pathetic? What kind of girl traipses about her room pretending to do something when she´s just looking for signs of her ex boyfriend? It was on the verge of disgraceful. I must have been imagining things. I had imagined him angry in my mind in the face of death. Why couldn´t I imagine him any old time, especially now that the memory of him was so fresh?

Tuesday

Edward wasn´t at school today. I walked into Health expecting him to be there waiting for me, but he didn´t show up. As though the rest of the class expecting him to be there too, the seat next to me was left empty. The sun was not shining. Where was he?

´_Stop it,´_ I told myself, ´_It´s none of your concern._´

I spotted Alice on the courtyard. So it wasn´t anything family-related, I assumed. We ate lunch together, and I bit the inside of my own cheek, trying to keep out of it. But the silence dragged on, and my nerves dragged the sentence right out of me, "Where are the others?"

Something in her eyes frightened me. She wasn´t the kind to look scared. I might have just imagined it. Half a second later, she smiled, "An old acquaintance came to visit from up north."

I didn´t open my mouth again.

Wednesday

No sign of him, though this time it made sense. The sun was shining. Everyone was enjoying the rare heat. I should have been enjoying it too, but I couldn´t keep my eyes from searching. Of course it was impossible that they would be here. They wouldn´t dare expose themselves to the sunlight. So why was I still searching for him?

Thursday

Sun…

I arrived home, again unsatisfied, my eyes tired from searching the masses for his face.

Forks was warmer. I was calmed by the sight of blue, the touches of sunlight on the top of the trees. Still, I was uneasy. I could feel that something was wrong. But of course everything was wrong these days. It would be more disturbing if it had all felt right. I tried to focus on my homework, but my mind kept wandering to the window. I don´t know why I kept expecting to see his face. Surely he wouldn´t be in public on a day like today.

This was stupid. I shouldn´t even be thinking about him like he was going to follow me around. I was Jacob´s… girlfriend now. God, if he wasn´t as school right now, I would have something more useful to do with my time. Maybe I could work on kissing him, making myself more comfortable with his overpowering touch.

I decided to go for a walk, something to calm my nerves. No day better than today. I looked towards the woods. I know what lay just beyond there, and it would bring me great pain, but like a moth to the flame, I was drawn to it. My feet moved without my mind wanting them to, but with every movement the tempo of my heartbeat increased. I even followed the steps exactly. The footprints were gone and yet this forest was just as still, just as unchanging as a vampire. I swallowed the lump in my throat and disappeared into the shadows. Sunlight filtered in through the trees, patching the ground with light. I could hear a few birds but less than I expecting considering what I usually heard outside my window. Even in the sun, the earth here was wet, the kind of wet I hated.

I finally came to it. That dreaded place where we had said our final goodbyes, the last place Edward had shown me anything even close to love. I knew exactly where I had been standing, where he had been standing. The direction I had run off to, calling out his name. I remembered the feel of his final kiss on my forehead. I could feel it there still. And then, there was nothing. The Edward I knew and loved had vanished into thin air. This new Edward not only didn´t love me, he was vicious. I didn´t stop. I kept walking. If I stayed there, I would break down. I wasn´t that far from it as it was. I just kept going straight, blindly. It didn´t matter where so long as I kept moving forward. The pain ate at me. I was no better off than I was on that day he left me, just a broken excuse for a human being, like a comatose body.

One thing was crystal-clear to me and had been since the very beginning. I still loved him and being apart from him almost destroyed me. Now that he had come back into my life, I needed him more than ever. Like placing food in front of a starving man, my heart was screaming with the desire to have him. And now he was gone again, due to the sun maybe, and I had no idea where he had gone to or if he would even come back. Once again, I was without him. I would have settled for anything. It would have been better just to see him everyday, see him hating me, than to never see him at all. Saying those words to him on Saturday had been the biggest lie, only born out of my fury that he would dare attack Jacob. God help me, I didn´t want him to go away no matter what happened. I was selfish. Even when he didn´t want me, I had to have him close to me. The world without him was just as dull as if all the colors had been stolen away.

If only I had a car, I would go up to his house just to see if he was there. And then I laughed at myself. What kind of girl was I turning into? Another one of his "groupies", so to speak, who left promiscuous letters in his locker, who would follow him home if they knew where he lived? No, that wasn´t me. It wasn´t my business anymore where he was or what he was doing.

I came to a clearing, and the sun was about to set. I basked in the warmth of it. Tomorrow, there would surely be rain and clouds again. The horizon was lined with grazing pastures for horses. A few barns dotted the little bumps of hills. Every once in a while, I would see the outline of the horses walking from one stretch of fences to the next. A lot like me, perhaps, never satisfied.

I sat down on the grass up against a tree. This was a very beautiful sight. The sky on the horizon was beginning to turn a delicate orange. I guessed that next a layer of pink would appear. I sighed, laying my head back and letting the sun wash over me, breathing deep.

A twig snapped above me. I was so used to the quiet that it startled me from my daze. I looked up to see a small flock of birds flying away from somewhere in the branches.

My heart sped up again. I had to have been losing my mind. There was no way he would take the risk, would he? I had neighbors. He couldn´t have gotten into town without someone noticing him. Still, my heart was thundering.

´Okay, I´ll prove to myself that this isn´t real,´ I thought.

"I know you´re there, Edward," I said as casually as I could muster.

Again, no answer. I sighed and blushed, even though no one was around, so I shouldn´t be embarrassed. I was glad for that. Talking to nothing but the trees. I truly was crazy.

So when a figure dropped from the sky into my perfect scenery, I let out a yelp of surprise.

"Sorry," he said quickly, "I didn´t mean to scare you."

I set my eyes upon him. Had it really only been a few days? His eyes were a deep golden, but still looked at hazy as they had on Monday. His skin sparkled in the fading sun. His skin… so white and smooth-looking. It wasn´t the first time I just wanted to reach out and touch him, see if his perfection could rub off on me. The specks of light reflecting off his skin were orange too, a new color I had not seen on him before. The closest thing I could compare him to was the ocean at sunset, with light dancing upon him, evolving against the sun. I always believed there was nothing more beautiful than the sunset by the sea, but his beauty was the stuff of legends, the kind that was supposed to kill you in old mythology. I would have died happy, so long as I could look at him.

He seemed to notice how intently I was staring, and turned his head away. I wondered if he would have blushed then, were he human.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He didn´t answer me, but his eyes grew tighter and I knew he was ashamed. I tensed up. I didn´t need to know, did I? I had felt it before… "You were following me," It was a statement, not a question.

He didn´t confirm or deny it.

And I was angered by his silence. "I´m sure Charlie would be more than willing to put out a restraining order."

He smirked then, bitterly, but still said nothing.

"I´m not forgiving you for dislocating Jacob´s shoulder."

…

"Aren´t you going to say something?"

He sighed, then finally spoke, "What do you want me to say?"

My heart swelled at the offer, but I pushed it down with all the force I could muster. I couldn´t tell him what I really wanted him to say… That he still loved me. I surely didn´t want him to lie to me, did I?

"Why are you still here?" Why did it sound like I didn´t want him to be?

He looked towards the pastures, at two horses that had started to run side by side. He didn´t worry about them seeing him. I wondered why he wasn´t afraid of the sun when those little barns were in sight. Weren´t there humans close by?

"There have been a few… complications… that have come to my attention."

I crossed my arms, "What kind of complications?"

He hesitated for a frustratingly long moment. How could a vampire be so slow? "You remember Victoria, I trust."

My knees trembled at the name, as did my lips. "You… you know about her?"

"Alice´s thoughts clued me in, and how the werewolves have been trying to track her down." He said, "Well, I couldn´t possibly let her do what she will with you. She has quite a few tricks up her sleeve. My family and I decided that we would hunt her as well."

My breath hitched. It was like last year, when they were going after Victoria and James. In spite of the enemy being outnumbered, I still feared that something would go horribly wrong, that one of the Cullens would die. Alice, so small and pretty, against Victoria´s terrifying beauty… I couldn´t think of them both in the same place. It was horrifying to me.

"Why should you have to do anything? This isn´t any of your business," I snapped a little, my fear for them overflowing from me in the form of anger.

He smiled that bitter, unpleasant smile again. "Call it a debt of honor. I know I haven´t done right by you Bella, but I won´t let you die because of me. Victoria wouldn´t even be after you if it weren´t for me."

He looked so sad then, and I wanted to touch my hand to his forehead, to draw him out of his pain like I used to be able to. He said once that my touch felt amazing to him. Even if he didn´t love me anymore, maybe he could still be comforted by me.

"You don´t need to…" My voice trailed off into less than a whisper, resisting the instinct to reach out to him.

He looked into my eyes again, his deep, intoxicating eyes, "I know," He said simply, "I want to."

My stomach felt like it was turning into mush. His eyes were digging into my soul and I couldn´t take it. I searched for a way out of this feeling, "So why are you back at school?"

He walked towards me, but didn´t approach close enough to quell my desire for his closeness. He crouched down 7 feet away, and I tried not to be hurt by this. If he wanted to stay distant from me, I wouldn´t deny him. "It´s clear, isn´t it? Someone needs to keep an eye on you at all times. We can´t trust Alice´s visions to let us know in time what´s going to happen. I believe you've already been informed about Alice´s inability to look into their futures."

Alice had suggested this to me before. "So you have been following me around all this time?"

"Not all this time. I thought we had a lead a few days ago, but nothing came up."

Ah, so Alice wasn´t exactly lying when she said they were meeting someone from up north. "Let me guess… Alice stayed behind to babysit me?"

He cringed, "You make it sound like we´re stalking you."

"Well, yes, I think that would be the term," I said as coldly as I could.

I hated myself for saying it, and I knew it was only going to upset him. He didn´t respond, however, he just stared at the open fields. His face was glistening in the fading light, but I could find no joy in looking at him. He looked deader to me than ever. I preferred him as he was in my memories, smiling and lively. Why did he have to look this way?

Then, his face became angry, "Would you rather I just leave you to die?"

´There are worse things,´ I thought to myself, only to hate myself for thinking such things. "I expect you to stay out of my life! You have no business following me around, especially after you´ve attacked my boyfriend!"

He cringed at the same time I did. "I´m very sorry you feel that way." He said, his voice soft again, "More than you´ll ever know."

My vision of him blurred in front of me. I was crying. I had thought I had cried all the tears I could over him, but they kept on coming. It was easier to keep them away when he was being rude and aggressive, just like on Saturday. This right now reminded me too much of how he used to be, how _we_ used to be, only no matter how close he was physically to me, he was so far away I could never hope to reach him. I had better chances of jumping into the air and touching the moon.

I got to my feet, suddenly needing to disappear. All I could do was go beyond this tree and I would be free to feel what I needed to feel. I just couldn´t get my legs to move from that spot. When I opened my eyes again, I let out a gasp. He had appeared in front of me, a look of concern on his face that made my heart jump into my throat. It was the same look of adoration he used to give me. He shut his eyes for a moment, face contorting, looking like he was struggling to figure out what he should say. When he opened them again, his eyes had taken on an almost black undertone. Gingerly, he touched my forehead with his fingertips, instantly smoothing away the roughness, and then his touch drifted down my temple, to my cheek, and ended at my chin.

"Bella…" He sighed, looking like he was giving up on whatever he was thinking, "Don´t cry, okay? I hate to see you cry."

God, why did he have to make me feel this way? Why couldn´t he just go away and leave me in peace? I could feel my body dying just by being next to him, just by knowing that he would never be mine. I didn´t dare allow myself to feel protected, safe, loved by him. It was a false emotion.

"Why do you care?"

He smiled sadly, "It´s just that. I… care about you… a great deal, Bella. That isn´t going to change. Didn´t I tell you that?"

Indeed he did. In that instance, all my defenses melted away. My heart was leaping in somersaults. The effect was dizzying. I didn´t know that such simple words would be enough for me to feel whole. Even if he didn´t love me anymore, he still cared about me. That was why he didn´t want me to cry. That was why he was so angry when I had put myself into danger, just as I would be if he did anything that could potentially remove him from this earth forever.

Overwhelmed with love and longing, I leapt into his outreaching arms. He made a small sound of surprise as I collided with his chest. It hurt a little. It was so easy to forget how sturdy he was. If I was any faster, I might have bruised. Instantly, I was covered with his scent, his cold body, and I was home. After a few more seconds, he returned my embrace, pressing me harder against him than I had imagined he ever had before, so close I almost couldn´t breathe.

The world was breathing for me now. The wind picked up and whirled around us, howling in my ears, snagging leaves and flower petals from the trees and grass and sending them to us. They wrapped around us like a cocoon, protecting us from the outside world. Suddenly there was no world outside these arms. I shivered against the coldness of his skin, and he held me tighter still. Even if I was in the freezing winter, it would have been enough to just shiver in his arms. As much as I hated the cold, it would only be pleasure. The elements of nature covered us, tangled into my hair, pushed me against him as though we were both at the center of a hurricane, and the safest place for us to be was in the eye of the storm, in the calm. I knew that the world was chaos outside of these arms. I wasn´t ready to face it again. I doubted I ever would be.

I would take whatever part of him he was willing to give me, and would give him whatever part of me he was willing to take.

To be continued…

**I hate writing in Bella´s POV. I truly do. She is a total idiot, but somehow making her smart would feel out of character. Hehe… Anyways, sorry for the delay! Graduate school is a true pain in the ass. Oh, what I wouldn´t give to be in high school again… I hope you at least find this chapter decent, but the next one will be in Edward´s POV, so you know it will be much better ;) I was happy to receive more reviews this time around. I hope it continues. Thanks to everyone who reads!  
**

**´Ta luego, guapas… y guapos… No sé si hay guapos aquí. ****(Ooo, stealthy Spanish, ooo)**

**xoxoxoxo**


	10. Ch 10: My Music

***** Get your Yiruma song, River Flows in You, ready for the end of this chapter *****

Ch 10: My Music

**EPOV**

The sun was rising to a nearly cloudless sky. I stared out my window, loathing it.

This is where I feared my plan was doomed to fail. I could watch over her every night, I could follow her in school in person and through the eyes of others, but I could not risk exposure. It sickened me, because I always said I would do anything to protect Bella, anything at all, but I was not willing to sacrifice my family´s safety. Exposing myself meant exposing them too, forcing them to leave, or worse, sentencing them to death. I didn´t doubt the Volturi wouldn´t hesitate to kill them, Carlisle included, to keep the secret of the vampire world locked up tight. I couldn´t allow my feelings for Bella to be selfish. The lives of six others were at stake.

If I had to die for her, I would do it alone.

The family periodically separated to search within 200 miles in all directions for signs of either the Volturi or Victoria. Two days ago, Jasper came across her scent, and we sprang into action. My desire to stay by Bella´s side warred with the need to do away with her would-be murderer, but Alice volunteered to stay behind for me, to protect her. Our attempt had been in vain, and we returned to sunny weather. It was to be the second day when not any of us could be close to Bella. The only thing we could do was place ourselves around the town, in hopes that if anyone tried to enter, we would catch them.

It still made me uneasy, not to see her. I tried to occupy myself with music and books, but nothing held interest to me anymore. This love had surely encompassed everything about me. While I never lost my interests, Bella… her smiles… her safety was always at the forefront of my mind. For a vampire, I sure lacked the ability to focus.

Music was of little comfort nowadays. Now every song was a song of pain, longing, loss. Even cheerful songs seemed to be mocking me with false happiness, ridiculing me with a joy that I could never feel again, a feeling I once knew so well.

I touched the ivory keys of the grand piano again, longing to play, but every note I touched was a sound of agony. Esme´s thoughts whispered to me, she was watching me from the stairway, _´Will he play?´_

Even she knew that I only played when I was happy, and I was certain that playing now would make it all too clear that I was a broken man. I danced my fingers across the keys but didn´t put any pressure on them, imagining what the notes should sound like, knowing that they wouldn´t in the end.

With a sigh I stood up again and put down the cover. Who knew how many times I sat down there, thinking I could manage, only to walk away defeated.

Esme´s thoughts of sorrow left me with a new ache in my heart. She was my mother, after all. My pain was her pain. I hoped she would understand that playing was impossible for me, no matter how much she wanted to hear it.

I could never keep away from Bella, even with the sun. Soon enough, just like yesterday, I drove to her school, parking a block away so my car wouldn´t be recognized by any students. The tinted windows blocked out the sun, and I was safe. I focused my mind, honing in only on the thoughts of her fellow classmates. I knew that watching over her was about more than just her safety. I also desperately wanted to see her face. I got to see what her face looked like when I wasn´t around. I even saw her smiling a few times. Little smiles, but they were enough to make me smile too. Mike Newton´s thoughts were the only wretched part of this ordeal. When he began undressing her with his eyes, I almost broke the steering wheel into multiple pieces. It was all I could to not to confront him now and punch him into the walls and through in the opposite side of the building.

Then I wondered if I would ever be satisfied with the men who wanted Bella, whether their intentions be good or not. Jacob´s love for Bella didn´t make it any harder for me to hate him. Perhaps there was no one in this world good enough for this woman, but at the very least, there had to be someone who would treat her with kindness and worship everything about her.

When school got out, I didn´t follow her home immediately. I had to keep my distance from her or she would know what I was up to. Eventually I abandoned by car to follow her on foot. I sighed in disgust. How often I had scorned the men who followed women around like they were property or prey, and here I was doing the same things. My intensions may be more pure, but I was disgusting none-the-less. Before I left, I had watched over her in the forest by the school, hiding high up in the trees. She had become flustered when looking over some Spanish verbs, and I knew she was remembering how I corrected her grammar in class the other day. I laughed, but it was foolish of me. She knew I was there, and when she called to me, I was too much of a coward to expose myself.

And here I was again, following her through the trees. I was curious as to what provoked her to go for a walk in the forest. Stubborn girl, I had told her before not to wander into the woods alone, that there were things out there more dangerous than me, but she took so little of what I said to heart, even how much I loved her. I was silent with every jump. The birds flew away from me, no doubt confused that I was there among them. I hoped she didn't notice their departure. When she came to the place we had said our final goodbyes, I was close to falling out. It was unusual for a vampire to feel weak, but that moment coming to mind had surely been my darkest hour. She didn´t stop to look around at this place. She either didn´t recognize it or didn´t care to remember it. Either way, she continued. I had no idea where she was going to, but I would follow her every step of the way. In this way I guess I was more like a vampire of human legends, like I was stalking my prey, hovering over her like some kind of blood-sucking bat.

When we came to a clearing, I was momentarily distracted by the view. Forks was so seldom exposed to sunlight that sunsets were unheard of. The sky was a perfect yellowish orange, so the field looked more like fields in autumn than spring. There were horses in the distance, roaming about in the pastures. I saw barns up ahead but there were no human thoughts in the area.

Bella sat down against a tree to take in the sight. I could tell by the look on her face that she was just as awed by the sight. The ground remained wet and cold but it didn´t stop her from sitting. I felt an irrational urge to cover her, keep her warm, before I realized that my body had no warmth to give. I jumped into the tree, landing without a sound, then crept onto a sturdy branch. I sprawled myself over it much like a mountain lion would, folding my hands beneath my chin and gazing down at the love of my life. There was a new protective edge to how I looked at her now, like I really was a guardian angel or a noble animal watching over his mate, content to just watch. For a few precious moments, I let myself forget how repulsive I was for following her secretly, and let myself feel a hint of joy. The orange light sank into her hair, turning some of the lighter strands into gold, and her face looked so warm that I could guarantee the sun was envying her.

She shut her eyes, tilted her head back a little, and sighed. The movement of her chest drew my attention to the gentle curves of her body. I savagely missed the feel of her pressed against me, but in the worst way. I still craved her in dangerous ways, even while my heart was broken and our relationship shattered. I still imagined what it would be like if we were both human, what it would feel like to show her how passionately I loved her. Maybe then, she would have believed me… Just maybe…

She swallowed and my eyes followed the roll of her throat. The desire to sink my teeth into her was ever strong, though a part of me ached to kiss that moving flesh. A twig that I didn´t realize I was holding snapped in my fingers, and instantly I was airborne. I catapulted into another tree, scaring away the birds who were nesting nearby. Bella gasped and looked up, all around her, but to my everlasting relief she never saw me.

I kept still there, listening to her heart accelerate, and then I heard her speak, "I know you´re there, Edward."

Her voice was shaking. Did she know I had been following her all along? I hadn´t answered her before when I was watching over her near school, fearing that she would only yell at me again. But now the tenderness of her voice called to me, and I could not refuse her.

In one leap I dropped in front of her, but was shocked when she let out a yell. Strange… did she actually think I wasn´t here?

"Sorry," I said quickly, trying to calm her wild heart, "I didn´t mean to scare you."

She looked at me for the first time in days, and there was not yet a look of anger on her face. She looked like I did when I saved her from her car, shocked and confused. God, she was too beautiful for this world. I didn´t even care that I had stepped out into the sunlight. No one was around anyway, and I didn´t have a mind to be cautious anymore. She stared at me with such severity that I grew anxious, but in spite of the shimmer of my skin she still didn´t recoil. What was she preparing to say to me? Was she going to tell me to go away again?

I looked away. I didn´t want to tell her why I was following her around. I didn´t want her to be afraid of the monsters that hunted her.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

I didn´t answer. How could I? I was despicable for following her around like some love-sick puppy.

"You were following me." She knew all along. Her voice grew angry, "I´m sure Charlie would be more than willing to put out a restraining order."

The mere suggestion made my dead heart shrink. Of course, no human attempt could keep me away from her, whether she wanted me or not, but the idea that she would go so far as to legally prevent me from being with her… She must have wanted to get away from me so badly. I was sorry that I couldn´t oblige her that.

"I´m not forgiving you for dislocating Jacob´s shoulder."

Ah, yes… Her new boyfriend was no doubt completely healed by now, but I remembered with cruel clarity the anger on her face when I attacked him. She was a good person. She defended those she cared about even when she was the one who was weak. If she hadn´t stepped between us, I might have taken out his limbs.

"Aren´t you going to say something?"

Her voice was getting more and more frustrated, and I knew I couldn´t keep silent forever. "What do you want me to say?"

I would give her any words she wanted if it would make her feel better.

"Why are you still here?"

But could I give her this? She already knew about Victoria, or else the dogs wouldn´t have known, but certainly not the Volturi. She barely knew who they were, other than a brief mention on my part about being powerful killers, and a family whom all vampires feared.

So I stayed with what she already knew. "There have been a few… complications… that have come to my attention."

She crossed her arms, clearly not believing me, "What kind of complications?"

It was hard to get the words out. I feared her reaction. "You remember Victoria, I trust."

Her knees and lips started shaking. My fears were warranted. I wanted to hold her legs steady with my own hands, soothe her lips with mine…

"You… you know about her?"

"Alice´s thoughts clued me in on it, and how the werewolves have been trying to track her down." I said, "Well, I couldn´t possibly let her do what she will with you. She has quite a few tricks up her sleeve. My family and I decided that we would hunt her as well."

I tried to say that without any emotion to my voice. The last thing I needed was for her to realize that the one she now hated was still desperately in love with her, and willing to die if it came down to it. Seeing her face so full of fear was enough reason to die for her, and there was a distinct possibility that I would be doing just that. I was struck be another painful thought. Would she care if I died? Would she weep for me? Would she have wanted to say goodbye?

"Why should you have to do anything? This isn´t any of your business," she growled loudly.

I smiled sadly. "Call it a debt of honor. I know I haven´t done right by you Bella, but I won´t let you die because of me. Victoria wouldn´t even be after you if it weren´t for me."

Everything that had gone wrong in her life was because of me. I should have disappeared the moment we had met. I shouldn´t have given in to the overpowering need to be by her side. My selfishness put her in danger every moment. Even now, the things I wanted for myself were wholly unfair. She had given me a little taste of what it really meant to live. Knowing that at one point she loved me back had made it so much harder to leave her the second time, yet know that idea that she no longer loved me was like a death-sentence. As though I was fighting to stay alive, I pined for her even when I was with her. I would have to resist and resign myself to death.

"You don´t need to…" She said softly.

How desperately I wanted to read her mind now, to see what she was thinking of me. "I know," He said simply, "I want to."

"So why are you back at school?"

I needed to be closer to her, even if it could never be close enough. I walked towards her but realized half way that I could not approach her as I did when she was mine, so I lowered to the ground some feet away from her, crouching. "It´s clear, isn´t it? Someone needs to keep an eye on you at all times. We can´t trust Alice´s visions to let us know in time what´s going to happen. I believe you've already been informed about Alice´s inability to look into their futures."

"So you have been following me around all this time?"

"Not all this time. I thought we had a lead a few days ago, but nothing came up."

"Let me guess… Alice stayed behind to babysit me."

Her voice was bitter, and I flinched against the sound, "You make it sound like we´re stalking you."

"Well, yes, I think that would be the term," I said as coldly as I could.

I looked away from her, towards the fields at the running horses. So she knew just as well as I did that what I was doing was despicable. Back when she had loved me, she didn´t care that I followed her around, even coming up to her room at night. Any other girl would have been repulsed. She didn´t… until now. I wanted to yell at her, defend myself, at the very least so I wouldn´t hurt so much. She wouldn´t last a day in the world without protection. Surely she could see that. I was fighting the world and myself to keep her alive and well.

My voice was stern, "Would you rather I just leave you to die?"

"I expect you to stay out of my life! You have no business following me around, especially after you´ve attacked my boyfriend!"

Her use of the word ´boyfriend´ twisted my stomach into knots. She never referred to me as her ´boyfriend´. She was even uncomfortable with me being introduced to her father as such. Now she said it in reference to Jacob with such ease…

I couldn´t fight with her. I didn´t have the emotional strength. The gap between us was growing and growing every day. I was farther apart from her than I was in South America. "I´m very sorry you feel that way." I told her, defeated, "More than you´ll ever know."

The smell of salt on the wind drew my attention away from the scenery.

Agony… She was crying.

There were few things that produced instinctive reactions within me. The ones I had were related to survival, to hunt and drink blood, to fight and retreat. The first moment I had had an instinct that felt purely human was that day at school, seeing a van sliding on the ice towards the woman who had become by everything. For the first time, the awe-inspiring need to protect had driven me to her side. I didn´t even understand then why I needed her so much, but my whole body had been screaming, desperate, awake. Nothing else had mattered but saving her. Then, day by day, new instincts rose to the surface. The instinct to touch… kiss… breathe. Looking for her everywhere without knowing it. The most crushing of all was seeing her cry.

I was at her side in an instant, kneeling before her like a man about to propose. Oh, were I so lucky… But she was already getting up. I rose along with her, franticly trying to keep this closeness, and she opened her eyes. They were so bright and wet with tears. My insides crumbled again. I shut my eyes, trying to hold myself together, searching for the words I could say without frightening her away for good. I found nothing that would do her any justice without committing some kind of blasphemy or doing just the opposite and admitting my undying love. I looked at her and felt like we were as we had always been, not a vampire and a human, but a man and a woman. My cold hand burned as I reached out for her, unable to stop myself. Only her touch would soothe this ache. I ran my hands over her forehead, the stress-induced wrinkles that were there, then let them flutter over her temple and her cheek, tracing the line of her tears and catching them on their descent. It was the most intimate touch we had had in months, and letting my hand fall left it burning even hotter than before.

"Bella…" The words poured out of me like a dam had been broken, "Don´t cry, okay? I hate to see you cry."

My hands were held up still, as though I was about to surrender in a battle. I didn´t know how close I was to dropping on my knees and begging her to take me back.

"Why do you care?" She murmured pitifully

He smiled sadly. That which was clear to me was never clear to her, was it? "It´s just that. I… care about you… a great deal, Bella. That isn´t going to change. Didn´t I tell you that?"

It was the most I could give her. If I couldn´t tell her right now how much I loved her, I could tell her that I cared about her. That had to count for something. No matter how she felt about me, she had to know that I needed to keep her safe.

Could I be her friend? Did I dare for that tiny luxury?

I barely could see it coming, but suddenly Bella was pressed against me, her arms around me, her face at my neck, and then I was only a man being stripped of every sin. In a fraction of a second, my ice met her flame and was overcome. Months of loneliness and longing fell away as though she had plucked them off my weary body. The winds picked up, twirled leaves around us, whispering a call to rejoice, for the world was right again. Somehow, an angel embraced a demon, and the world was right. I shuddered as I reached out for her. My fingers traced her back until my arms came full circle. I pressed her body against mine and my cheek against her hair, and I cried. I had no tears to provide as evidence of my pain, but were she to look up she would see a tormented man, conflicted by eternal absolute pain and sudden absolute joy. I nuzzled her hair with my nose, inhaling both the intoxicating scent of her blood and the scent of her hair, and unbeknownst to her, crying like the day I was born. Even as I burned, I was soaring.

There were so many ways for a man and woman to come together. One sees another across the way, smiles at them; they slip away into the night hand in hand. A friend introduces two people, coaxing their acquaintance into friendship and then into love. Two colleagues spend day after day by each other´s side until it is clear that one cannot exist without the other… A woman is betrothed to a man she doesn´t know, and she can either fall into love or into despair, where she will remain for the rest of her days… Driven by loneliness, a soul reaches out to whoever will take them, maddened by the idea of dying alone…

A man, who is not a man but a monster, suddenly leaps out to save a mortal girl from being crushed, only to doom her with his presence. A demon, fated to kill the angel, somehow falls in love.

And then there was us as we were now, two people, once in love, holding each other by the setting sun. The love is unreciprocated but I have enough love for the both of us and some to spare. Our ending was empty, but this connection between she and I would never fade. The moment she held me, I knew that all the pain I suffered both in the past and now was worth it. If an angel could purge the devil of sin, then what more evil could be in this world? Was she not healing all evil everywhere at the same time?

The sound of her gasping broke through my stupor. I realized I was holding her too tight. I let her go instantly and she panted for breath. "Sorry," I muttered.

She smiled lightly. I knew she was thinking the same thing I was. It had been so long that I had forgotten how to control my strength. She wiped away her remaining tears, "I´m sorry I´ve been so rude to you… You were right. I shouldn´t have been so reckless with my life."

I wasn´t going to deny that, but I had my own crimes to apologize for. "I´m sorry for breaking Jacob´s shoulder," Though I doubted I would ever apologize to Jacob personally, "And for making your life so difficult."

"You don´t… You really don´t…" She whispered shakily.

I could feel light sinking into my skin, all the way to the bones. It had been so long since I had been this happy it almost felt new.

"I want to do right by you, Bella," I said, a little too passionately, "I promise you I´ll protect you."

She started crying again, but she was smiling, and I was glad. "Thank you," she whispered.

The seams of my heart were being pulled back together. "What do you say?" I smiled, "Friends?"

She faltered when I said that. I wondered if it was really too hard to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. Humans always said that it was impossible, that their past would get in the way of the purity of friendship. It didn´t seem so impossible to me. I would be content to love her for the rest of my life in silence, even as she did things that broke my heart. All that mattered now was that she cared about me still and even the tiniest pit of affection on her part was enough for me.

Finally, she nodded. "Friends."

It should have been hard to take that word when it fell from her lips, but I was too happy to mind it.

Shadows fell over us. The sun had set. "Edward," she spoke up, "If you don´t mind… Would you take me to see your family? I haven´t gotten to see them since Saturday."

Could I deny her anything at this moment? After all, she was just as much a part of the family as I was, whether she knew it or not. "Of course."

Grabbing her before she had time to react, suddenly we were airborne. I maneuvered her onto my back and leapt from tree to tree. Her giggles echoed in my ears like chimes and I ran faster and faster and faster, like a caged animal being set free. Elated by the feel of her, I forgot about my car until we passed it. For now, I could only fly. But she shivered in my arms and I gave in. We circled back to the car.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I lost track of the minutes that passed as I watched Bella with my family, playing Jenga and card games like she was with regular humans. She looked so much like she belonged there. Emmett, Alice, Esme, and Carlisle laughed along with her. I looked on from the doorway. At one point, Emmett picked her up, threw her over his shoulder and twirled her around, and I swore I had never heard her laugh so loudly. It was so reminiscent of a Christmas tale, of family members gathered together by the fireplace, talking and laughing and just being together. For all I knew, this could have been happening for years, for it came so naturally.

Jasper´s thoughts caught me by surprise. He was looking up at me from the corner, marveling over the smile on my face. The sight of my own face did intrigue me. I looked just as happy as I did months ago. The thought of that made me smile more.

She was my family. Whether we were together or not, she would always be a part of me, and I hoped I would always be part of her. The future would be difficult to endure, but I could do it so long as I could see her smile every now and then.

Bella squealed when Emmett tackled her again. Emmett was very strong but even when he wrestled with her he was gentle, not that he had to try very hard to keep her down.

Rosalie snorted in the kitchen, _´She´s even got Emmett worshipping the ground she walks on.´_

Hm, this was interesting? Was Rosalie worried that Emmett favored Bella? I knew, of course, that he didn´t. He loved Rosalie very much, but I couldn´t blame him for wanting to hang out with Bella a bit more than Rosalie. Her attitude really was too much to bear.

Bella laughed as she was tickled by him, "Stop! Stop! Stop! Have mercy!" She screamed, but underneath it she was happy.

Esme looked up at me, "Edward… Would you like to join in?"

I shook my head. I much preferred to watch this scene. I went to sit at the piano bench to get a closer look. Bella´s laughter did strange things to my mind. I could hear music again, flowing with the beat of a heart that didn´t even exist inside my chest, flowing like breath.

It got late and the others retired to the privacy of their own rooms. Thoughts of intimacy were on their minds, unfortunately, but I had grown accustomed to tuning them out. Bella dosed on the couch with a blanket around her, right next to the fireplace, and looked up at me with glowing eyes. "I suppose you won´t mind if I kidnap your brother, would you?"

I smiled, "No, I wouldn´t. Rosalie might, though. You´ll have to fight her for him."

She made a playful frown, "Damn… No luck there."

"Don´t worry," I said, making a little white lie, "Rosalie doesn´t consider you a threat. You´ll be safe."

She shut her eyes and breathed in deep. I was infatuated with the flush on her cheeks, partially from wrestling around with Emmett and partially from the heat of the fire.

"Tell me about South America," She said suddenly, catching me by surprise. "What have you been up to?"

It was all too hard to keep that smile on my face. The memories of loneliness flooded me in an instant, but I had to hold on to the vision of her, with me right now. But I couldn´t tell her the torment I had gone through.

"Not much, really. Just the usual."

"Oh, come on. I bet you have some interesting details. Tell me what it´s like."

Her eyes were drooping. I knew she wouldn´t last long. I took in her beauty and the words flowed out of me, "It´s very beautiful… and very warm… But so delicate and I am afraid it will break."

"Maybe you should go and save the rainforest." She said. Her eyes were all the way closed now, and her voice was getting heavy.

"Perhaps… I have more important things to save right now."

Perhaps she was too tired to understand the meaning behind those words. Nothing on this planet was more important to me than her life.

"You can do it," she said, "You can do anything…"

"Bella…" I whispered, and it echoed back to me.

She was already gone, out like a light. I sighed. So many things I wanted to say and couldn´t say. Was there any way I could express to her just how much she meant to me?

And my heart already knew. I turned towards the opened keys of the piano. Who had opened them? It was like they were waiting for me. My fingers rose and gently touched the ivory. I shut my eyes, let the flurry of my thoughts consume me. I looked at Bella, her face peaceful in sleep, her mouth turned up in a little smile.

Without turning my gaze away from her, my fingers began to play.

I never took my eyes off of her. It was a song that my very fingers knew by heart, the song that could express my feelings more than words ever could.

I paused, letting the feelings dominate my every fiber. Time stilled, the silence of the room was deafening. I played the next phrase, and paused again, gathering strength, and still there wasn´t a sound. Even the thoughts upstairs had hushed in sudden shock. And then nothing could stop the music from pouring into my fingertips. It came like a storm over me, engulfing me, pulling me under, and as delicate as it was I couldn´t breathe in the passing winds. I touched the piano as tenderly as I wanted to touch her, dropping over her skin, caressing her softness, coming back again and again only for the simple joy of making her heartbeat spring to life beneath. I could feel her warmth around me, every touch, every kiss, even every glance. The past and future meant nothing to me now. I was looking at my precious Bella, sleeping in my home, and I was more in love with her every day that passed. I was touching her soul with my music. It was the only way I had to show her the passion I felt whenever she was near. She would never come to know how deeply these feelings flowed through me, but my heart would always be hers, as would this song.

Vaguely, I heard the awe of my family. Interrupted from their passions, they came out, lingering on the stairwell, the emotion in them so staggering I almost lost my grip. I saw what I looked like to them, my face filled with joy and adoration, the pain still underneath but for the moment, dominated by feelings much more powerful.

The music was like a sigh. I breathed with every rise and fall. She snuggled closer in her blankets, her smile widening, and I let out a gasp of both desperate and agonizing elation. God, how could anyone love another as much as this? How could such a small body as my own be filled with so much emotion? She sighed along with the music, as though she could feel it too, as though somehow she could understand the feelings I could only put into music. The storm was suddenly a hurricane. I played louder, the feelings in me were too great to keep quiet, and they were so strong that it was all I could not to let the feelings tear through me. It was all I could do not to break the keys. My lips were shaking and I felt the burn in my eyes that told me I was crying again. It was a strange feeling to have, to be so happy and yet so heartbroken at the same time, but somehow in spite of the latter it was a joy I wouldn´t trade away for any other. Every cord I played was me reaching out to hold her, every trill a kiss on her lips, the crescendo was what my heart would have done were it alive, every tiny decrescendo was a rush of calm I needed in order to not combust. All the things I desperately wanted to give her but couldn´t. In this world of music, I could make magic. I could compose for her a world where only the two of us mattered. I could love her in every way I could think of and there would be no worries, we would fade away into the end of time. I could conjure eternity for us with a flick of a wrist. There would be no death, no pain, no aging. She would be my Bella forever.

My song slowed, eternity fading away with it. Just as it was when I first composed it, it drew to that inevitable conclusion, no change, for this sleeping girl was perfect just the way she was. My fingers slowed, growing numb from the bombardment of feelings, like I had just survived a battle rather than a song. They played their final note, as light as a feather, as light as my touch on her delicate skin.

Silence filled the house, even in the thoughts of my family, every last one of them. But I could feel their awe, their speechlessness. Even their minds couldn´t form words to express what they were feeling. Perhaps they did understand just how very much I loved Bella. Alice´s thoughts were the first to hit my mind, but in her shock it was just my name, ´Edward...´

Then Esme was crying softly, but it wasn´t of unhappiness. I scooped Bella into my arms, blankets and all, before their thoughts would intrude on this little piece of heaven. I shielded her face from the wind as I brought her out to the car. She didn´t stir when I put her inside, letting her stretch out with her head on the seat. Bella´s head nudged my thigh and I allowed myself to run my thumb along a little crease in her hair.

I got in and slowly pulled out of the driveway. The world was still silent to me, but my music, my love, continued to play…

To be continued…

**I was crying so hard when I wrote the last part, but it was a good kind of crying. Sometimes I just get carried away with romantics. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Again, Yiruma´s song was a constant inspiration, and I recommend you listen to it for this chapter. **

**Well, I´m finally done with finals, but I´m not caught up on writing, so I can´t say when I´ll be back, but it certainly won´t be another 10 days. I was sooooo happy at how many reviews I got last time! It made me so happy! Thanks to everyone for their continued input and support! **

**Take care! xoxoxo**


	11. Ch 11: Protector

Ch 11: Protector

**EPOV**

I went slower than usual on the highway, in part because I wanted to delay being parted from Bella´s side and in part because I didn´t want the movement of the car to wake her. She sighed next to me and I smiled. Such little things she did somehow made me feel whole. She could never hope to understand how she moved me, when she did little trivial things that most humans never noticed.

However, my bliss was cut short when I caught the scent of werewolf, and not just any werewolf.

I struggled to keep from growling. It was irrational for me to be surprised that Bella´s new boyfriend would be lurking around her house, but the idea of him being so close to her at night bothered me, even though I had always done the same thing. There was no sight of him as I pulled into the driveway, but his thoughts were unfriendly.

´_I should have never let her answer that damn phone,´ _he thought,_ ´This bastard would still be on the other side of the world… Who does he think he is, looming over her like that?´_

I pulled Bella into my arms, being careful not to wake her. I could see how I looked to him. I did sort of look like I was looming. Regardless, I now knew where he was from his line of sight. I stared into the expanse of trees, into his glowing eyes. The dark couldn´t keep me from seeing him. Having been found out, he immerged and approached. My grasp on Bella tightened a little. He didn´t like that.

There was nothing left of the boy I had seen before I left Forks. Jacob looked like years had passed, like he was in his mid-twenties. He was much taller and much rougher. Since he wasn´t wearing a shirt, I could see how muscular he was. He practically looked like a man, not just a man but a criminal. Like the murderer you see around town who has been recently paroled, and everyone is terrified that he will kill again. I didn´t doubt that humans would be intimidated by him, though I of course had nothing to fear. There was still some slight bruising on his shoulder from where I had broken his bone. He healed fast, but the boy was lucky I hadn´t killed him already.

"Give her to me," he growled, "Hand her over and get out."

I held her closer to me. Perhaps he did have more of a right than I had to touch her, but I couldn´t bear to give him that satisfaction. "I´m taking her to her bed. Stand down." I said calmly.

He let me pass, but followed me every step of the way. ´_As soon as you do, you´d better damn well leave . And I´ll make sure you don´t come back.´_

I grimaced. I wouldn´t be able to watch over her tonight, even from outside. Was Jacob to take my place as protector as well? No, he couldn´t have that. It was all I had left.

I deposited her in her bed. She rolled over with a groan and relaxed. I longed to run my hair through her hair again, but the werewolf was watching from next to the window. I didn´t doubt he was looking for a reason to attack me. I pulled the covers over her and turned towards him. I didn´t say anything. I didn´t have to. Jacob knew perfectly well that I could read his mind as he stared at me, ´_You fucked up her life once before. I won´t let you do it again…´ _He stepped out of the way of the window, _´She´s mine now. I will not let you take her away.´_

I nearly laughed. He had nothing to worry about then. I had let the effects of the night carry me away into another fantasy land. I might love her the same as always, but things would never be the same between Bella and I. She was with Jacob now. I could only be her friend.

The idea of this werewolf being with her made me physically sick. They were violent creatures. Anyone they knew could be hurt by them easily. All they had to do was get a little angry and Bella could pay for it with her life. At once, I was infuriated. If he so much as harmed one hair on her head, I would show him no more mercy, no matter how much Bella begged me. Anyone who hurt Bella did not deserve to breathe.

I made my way to the window, and spoke to him softly, "If you hurt you, I will rip you to pieces."

He growled low. _´I´m not you, you bloodsucker. I would never hurt Bella.´_

He had better be right about that, for his own sake. "Just so you know," I whispered, "We´re staying. We are going to make sure that those vampires don´t hurt her."

"We don´t need your help," He hissed, "We can take care of her ourselves."

I narrowed my eyes at him. As if what he did just days ago would have just faded from my memory. I couldn´t stop the bitterness as it poured from my lips, "Yes, letting her ride a motorcycle with no helmet just screams protection."

His hands were at my throat. I was suddenly consumed with fear, not for myself, but for Bella. It was stupid to make him angry enough to transform when Bella was around. I pried his hands off of me, trying not to break them, and retreated to the window, hoping he would be satisfied that I was leaving. Apparently he was. The fury in his thoughts faded away with every inch I moved away.

I slipped away into the night, hoping that Jacob would depart, but I saw through his mind that he was sitting down in the rocking chair, guarding her. Though I had done the same thing on innumerable occasions, the idea of him watching her sleep disgusted me. At least I had a reason to watch her sleep. Bella had always wanted me to stay there with her, even when I couldn´t sleep. It wasn´t like I could join her in slumber, so what else was I to do? I tried overlooking the fact that I had also sneaked into her room before she had known about it, but somehow it didn´t feel as wrong to be as this. I had only wanted to protect her. It felt like Jacob was guarding her like some piece of meat. I clenched my jaw hard and held back a growl. I loathed him. I had done no differently than him but I loathed him for staking his claim on her, like he was rubbing my face in it.

Regretfully, I knew I would not be able to watch over her tonight, but it was clear that Jacob would remain. I had to be satisfied with that, as much as it pained me.

I caught one last glimpse of Bella through Jacob´s mind as I pulled out of the driveway. Of course, the sight of her was enchanting, and he was no stranger to this look, but he could never appreciate her grace like I could, especially when he was so filled with possessiveness.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter. He had better keep his anger in check. I meant what I said. If I found out that Bella was harmed in any way, I would annihilate him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

**BPOV**

The song was clearly to me tonight, as though it had never been gone. My fantasies had been filled for months with the sounds of my lullaby, but I was so certain I had forgotten it. I had been terrified that I was forgetting. It was a huge relief to know that my dreams were holding on. I dreamt that I was floating on a cloud, but I was in Edward´s arms. Oddly, they were soft and warm. It was surprisingly comfortable. He hummed the lullaby to me like he did so many times before. I was warm from the inside out, lulled into a near comatose state by the gentleness of his voice.

When I woke up, I could hear the birds chirping over the sound of my radio alarm. With a grimace, I remembered that it was Friday. I probably shouldn´t have stayed up so late at the Cullens´ house. How embarrassing to have come over only to have fallen asleep and have them drag me back home again.

I turned over to find the alarm, but something caught the corner of the eye, something that was moving. I yelped, the sound barely higher than the sound of the alarm, and a hand covered my face. I stared wide-eyed at Jacob, shushing me with his finger and then signaling in the direction of Charlie´s room. I shut off the alarm and asked him, trying very hard to keep my voice light so as to not wake up Charlie, "What in the world are you doing here?"

"I´m supposed to be guarding you, remember?"

"Yeah, from outside."

He snorted, "Might as well be inside. You never know what kind of trouble you´ll get into, being the clumsiest girl on the planet."

I rolled my eyes at his teasing. Surely I wasn´t that incompetent… "You act as though I can´t even make it around my own house without hurting myself."

"Okay, then," He learned closer to me, and my heart became anxious, "Maybe I just really wanted to see you again. Is that so bad?"

I hesitated for a long while. This wasn´t something I had expected. What was I supposed to feel at a time like this? "No… I guess not. It´s just that I´m not expecting company in the morning, on a school day, no less."

He clucked his tongue at me, "Aren´t you the responsible one. Come on. Let´s play hooky and go hang out with the pack. Whaddaya say?"

I looked out the window. Cloudy as ever, but with that thought came the realization that the Cullens wouldn´t be absent today…

"I don´t know, Jake."

"Aw, come on! You´re just starting your last semester, right? Nothing important happens at the beginning."

"Shouldn´t you be at school too?"

He shrugged, "Not really. They are looser with rules than your typical schools."

"Well too bad that isn´t mine. I´ve already skipped class enough."

It felt bad to lie to him. It was true that I had missed class enough, but that wasn´t really the reason I wanted to go.

He frowned and sighed, "Well… I guess I can´t stop you… Will you just promise me one thing?"

"Sure," I said.

"Stay away from the Cullens."

My heart froze. I had been separated from them for so long that I didn´t think I could bear to part from them again. Apparently, they were here to stay, for my sake. Who knew what would happen when Victoria was gone? They would probably leave again. For the sake of my own sanity, I had to savor this little time I had with them. I couldn´t just stay away.

"You know I can´t do that, Jake. They go to school with me, and besides, they are my friends."

He stood up and walked towards my window. At first I thought he was leaving, but he just stared outside. I couldn´t see his face from where I was sitting, but his body was impossibly still, as though he wasn´t even breathing.

A shiver of cold ran through me. I had no idea where it came from.

" They´re not human, Bella. They are monsters."

I shivered again, this time from anger. "You know that isn´t true. They are the only vampires who are not monsters. You can´t judge them like the others."

"Why can´t I?" He said, but in his tone there was the anger of a yell, "Just by being here, they have put your life in danger. If they had never come here, you wouldn´t be being hunted down by that woman. If they had never come here, my tribe wouldn´t have become something… more than human. If they had never come here, you wouldn't have suffered like you did last year!"

I bit back tears. The pain was still so fresh. Jacob only had had a vague understanding of the pain I was going through, but I had never revealed the extent of it to anyone. Before I could stop it, tears spilled over onto my cheeks. Suddenly, Jacob was at my side again, wiping them away, his face filled with nothing but regret. "I´m sorry… Please don´t cry. I just don´t want to see you get hurt again."

"I won´t."

"They'll have to leave soon enough."

I shook my head. I couldn´t even fathom the thought of facing the world without them again. But these were the very thoughts that were running through my head, the thoughts of what would happen when they left again, as they inevitably would. Edward had said himself that it was time for them to move on. It was only a matter of time before everyone realized that they weren´t aging. The danger I was in was the only thing holding them to this place. By the time they came back again, I would be long dead. How could I manage to grow old without Edward by my side? Would I try to keep myself alive for an impossible amount of time, just in case he came back, just so I could get a glimpse of his face again? Even if I died an old widow, it would have been enough just to see him again.

Jacob took my face in his hands. "I won´t let them destroy you, Bella. I am going to protect you from them."

I found no comfort in his words. I didn´t want to be protected from them. The very thought that Jacob was in my room as I slept, I realized, repulsed me. I had only ever wanted Edward to do that. That was the only time I truly felt protected. I had lost that comfort long ago.

"They are my friends, Jake. I can´t just ignore them."

He frowned, his eyes became hard, and ran his hands down my arms, "Then at least stay away from Edward."

My blood turned to ice. "He´s my friend too, Jacob."

His body tightened, his hands suddenly constricting over my arms. It hurt. "Your friend? After what he did to you? You call him your friend?!"

"Shh!" I hushed, his voice was rising in volume, "He´s a good person. It´s not his fault that I reacted the way I did when he left."

He scowled, "I can´t believe you wouldn´t hate him after what he did. Do you still have feelings for him?"

When he asked that question, his voice was black. My heart sped up, but it was not pleasant. This was nothing like the rush I felt with Edward when he held me close…

I was truly afraid of his reaction, so I lied to his face, "Of course not… Please… let go."

He looked at his hands, and realizing he was holding on too tightly, let go.

He took a few labored breaths, clearly trying to get his temper under control. It was odd that the only thing that ever really set him off was Edward. Was he really so angry at him because he was a vampire, or was he just angry because he had been with me? "Look," I said, "I need to get ready for school. I promise I´ll come over afterwards."

It was the only thing I could say that I knew would appease him. He clenched his jaw. I knew he was still upset. "Fine."

I did the only thing I knew I could do to lessen his anger that couldn´t come in words. I gave him a sweet, long kiss, holding his rough face in my hands like I truly meant it. It was innocent, but certainly enough to make him react. I could feel his roughness melt off his body. When I pulled away two seconds later, he had visibly improved. Not completely better, but he looked satisfied. If only he knew how much it took me to do just that.

"I´ll drive you," He said suddenly.

I was taken by surprise. "You don't even have a car. What are you going to do, carry me to school?"

He chuckled. It was a pretty silly image. I imagined how my classmates would react if a giant wolf suddenly leapt onto the parking lot with me on its back. I shouldn´t have delighted in the thought of panic, but I knew most of my human friends would faint at the sight, especially Mike.

"I brought my motorcycle with me," He hushed me before I could start to panic, "Don´t worry. Charlie won´t see it. I hid it. And I even brought a helmet with me this time. As much as I hate to admit it, the bloodsucker was right about that." I cringed. "Sorry…"

"Okay, get out of my house so I can get ready. I´ll meet you downstairs in fifteen minutes."

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It was weird riding with Jacob like this, with my arms around his waist. He didn´t have a shirt on and yet he didn´t feel the cold, but I was up close and way too personal with his body. Under normal circumstances, I would have to admit that he was truly something to see and feel, but unfortunately my heart was always elsewhere, and I couldn´t imagine myself desiring him as much as someone I was about to see.

Would I ever treat Jacob the way I should? Would I ever be able to be good enough for him, a good friend and a good girlfriend? I knew all along that my heart was still filled with Edward, but forcing him out of my heart was proving to be impossible. Perhaps I just wasn´t trying hard enough, it had only been a few days after all… I had to establish in my mind that Edward could only be a friend to me now, nothing more, and at the very least I had that.

When we pulled up to the school, it seemed like all eyes were on me, but what else was new? They looked at Jacob especially, no doubt wondering how someone could drive a motorcycle with no shirt on in the middle of winter.

Then I caught sight of the Cullens. Their perfect cars were side by side, and I couldn´t figure out why it wasn´t obvious to everyone that they were entirely other. Everyone knew they were different, but could anyone really suspect that they were average humans? Had I really thought they were human when I first saw them? I caught sight of Alice first, who had Jasper wrapped around her. She waved at me enthusiastically. Then Edward immerged from the car. When his eyes caught mine, my heart stopped, or sped up, I´m not sure which. I couldn´t really feel what was going on in my body when he looked at me that way. A smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Jacob´s sudden movement broke me away from my trance. "Okay, so I´ll pick you up after school?"

"You don´t need to do that. I can take the bus." I said, pulling off my helmet and handing it to him.

"You said you were coming over after school," he reminded me. "Since you don´t have a car anymore, you´ll be needing a ride."

I had almost forgotten about that. "Oh… yeah… Sure."

I adjusted my book bag onto my shoulder and turned away, "See you later."

Suddenly, he caught my wrist and pulled me back to him. Before I saw what was going to happen, his lips were against mine, powerful and yet still. I muffled a yelp of surprise against him. He was certainly becoming a lot more forward since our relationship started. But I couldn´t help the embarrassment from resurfacing. I was kissing him right in front of Edward, the man I still loved. It may not matter to Edward one way or another, but it mattered to me tremendously. I broke off the kiss. "Umm… Sorry. That caught me by surprise."

Jacob smiled a crooked smile. "I´ll see you later."

I smelled the exhaust fumes of the motorcycle as he hit the gas and drove away. Hesitant, I turned back to find Edward, but breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that he wasn´t there. Thank God. It would sure make things awkward between us, because we had a history together.

I tried to push the more fond memories of my past from my mind as I approached his family. They greeted me just like they always did, and we wasted time reminiscing about the night before. We would have been late for sure if the principal didn´t come out to give us a warning. I asked Alice where Edward disappeared to.

She said, "He had to go to a room quickly to drop something off. You´ll see him in class."

Sure enough, as I arrived in Spanish, he was seated one chair away from the corner, just like on Monday. Somehow that day seemed so far away. It was unfathomable, to think that I could have ever been angry with him at any time. I caught eyes with the other students and knew that our little drama on that day had not been forgotten. Hopefully their gossip would fade when they saw that we were on civil terms again.

"Hello," He said in his typical velvety voice, the same way he had said it when I first heard him speak in Biology so long ago.

"Hi," I murmured back, positive I was blushing.

He smirked, "I guess I still have the ability to dazzle you."

Ouch… That one was way too close to home. If only he knew how right he was... I thought it best to play it off, and teased back, "Like I said, it´s not like you can help it."

His eyes dropped away from mine and he looked pensive. I wondered what he was thinking. Hopefully I hadn´t given too much away about myself. Of course, how could he not know that I still adored him. He might very well decide it wasn´t worth the time to hang around me when I was still so hung up on him. He was good enough a person not to want to lead me on… He would want to spare me the pain…

I tried to downplay it even more, "It´s not like it doesn´t work on everyone. I bet you had Brazilian girls following you around everywhere."

His head snapped up again. His eyes caught mine, and they seemed to be shimmering. There was something truly terrifying about the way he looked at me sometimes. Not terrifying in a bad way, just overwhelming, like I was going to melt into a puddle if he did it too long. I was terrified that I would lose myself to him. I couldn´t afford to, not again.

"Of course not," He said after a long pause, but his voice had a fierce edge to it.

That wasn´t an expected answer. After all, how could anyone not see how perfect he was, how beautiful his voice was, how kind his personality? Impossible. There was no way that someone couldn´t know him for a second and instantly fall for him. Surely he was lying. I rolled my eyes, "Puh-lease, Edward. You don´t need to keep secrets. Anyway, it´s none of my business, if you don´t want to share."

I turned away from him, feeling my cheeks begin to turn red. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming. Could I be any more of a loser? Why didn´t I just throw myself at his feet and beg him?

Instead he chuckled, "I had much more important things to do than chase after gorgeous girls, Bella."

The way he said my name, even as he talked about women that weren´t me, still left my head spinning.

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**Berga, Spain**

**APOV**

Their expressions didn´t change as they watched him writhing in anguish. It was even more impressive than Jane´s mental torture. Of course I felt no pity for the humans she performed her tricks on. They were nothing but a meal to us. However I couldn´t help but feel a tad bit of sympathy for this poor unfortunate vampire.

He screamed and cried and yelped in pain, his body twisting in every direction it could. I looked over at my comrades to find that their faces were just as unforgiving as my own, but they were filled with interest. I had always considered myself an aficionado of the arts and of science, so whenever I had my hands upon a project such as this, I knew there could be no greater thrill. I was willing to let as many suffer as I needed to keep the secret of our kind safe. This poor soul was just one of three from Spain who had grown careless in their secrecies, careless enough to be attempt feasting in the middle of a crowded club in Barcelona. Such foolish creatures were not worth the risk to our species.

Jane smiled at me, that childlike twinkle in her eyes anything but innocent, "It seems the formula has been mastered."

I smiled, gratified by the compliment.

The subject writhed and writhed, screaming out in Catalan, a language not too distant from my native Italian, prayers for mercy from us, prayers to God even. I laughed at that. God would not answer the prayers of our kind. He was doomed to rot in hell, but surely hell´s torture would never have been as grave as this. In comparison, he might even consider it a blessing.

What a coincidence, that his cries we silenced by the explosions and cheers of the annual Patum de Berga, now taking place just a few meters above us. The ground shook with explosions, Catalunyans dressed as devils, giants, and beasts drank and sang and danced in a parade of fire. Hell was already here on earth.

"Quan la Patum va patam! tots patim." I quoted the Catalan phrase… When the Patum goes boom, all are doomed to suffer.

The man continued to scream. I wondered if he was even aware that he was in the midst of Corpus Christi, in a festival he no doubt celebrated countless times. Had there not been any festivities on this day, I have no doubts that his screams would have been heard. His pupils flashed bright red as though they were about to lose blood. Yes, surely, hell had arrived here on Earth.

It only pained me that the next victim would be one I knew personally…

"No one will dare oppose us again." I said, to calm myself.

Another explosion shook the city.

To be continued…

**La Patum de Berga is a pretty amazing festival that takes place in Catalunya, Spain every year during Corpus Christi, and is one of the major events in Catalan culture. Having seen it myself, I love the idea of hell-like chaos in the city while vampires are performing dastardly deeds below their feet. **

**I got this one out a lot later than I wanted to. I hope you´ll forgive the small delay even though I said it wouldn´t be this long last time. Anyways, please continue to encourage me with your kind words of criticism or support. I really feed on compliments ******


	12. Ch 12: Peer Pressure

Ch 12: Peer Pressure

**BPOV**

As I exited gym class, I didn´t expect to find Edward waiting for me, but it still stung when I opened the door and he wasn´t there. I let out a deep sigh. I supposed it would be a little strange if he continued to escort me to and from class all the time. It was strange enough when we weren´t technically together, but at least then I had had some hope of a relationship with him. It was foolish for me to think that he would behave the same way towards me as he always had.

However, my heart soared when I found him waiting in the parking lot for me. At least I assumed it was me, since the rest of his family had apparently taken off in their own separate vehicle. I didn´t dare consider why he would bother waiting around for me, but then I remembered that we were trying to be friends. I wondered if it was as hard on him to do that as it was for me.

"How was gym?" He said with a smile.

I couldn´t help but smile back, "Well, I didn´t kill anyone, if that´s what you mean."

He cocked his brow in a teasing fashion, "Maim, perhaps?"

I rolled my eyes, "No."

"Perhaps you´re losing your touch."

I was breathless due to his teasing gaze, so I choked out the answer, "Yeah, I guess I am." He chuckled. "Why are you still here?" My heart grew cold, "Are you waiting for someone?"

I didn´t want to think the unthinkable, that he had found someone else in Forks to shower with love and affection. I could handle seeing him day by day without being with him. I didn´t think I could manage watching him kiss and hum a lullaby for another girl. Though I knew he had better judgment than to be with anyone of the mindless groupies in our school, I imagined him with someone just as beautiful as him but with the brain the size of a pea and who would delight in the money he spent on her. No one could ever appreciate him like I could.

When he shook his head, I held back a sigh of relief, "No. I just wanted to ask you something…"

"Shoot."

He hesitated for a moment. Again, it was like he was looking through me rather than at me, like a blind man. After a few seconds, he focused in on my face again and asked, "Would you like to come over to the house again? Everyone would really like to spend more time with you."

My heart jumped for a moment and then dropped. If he had just said the first sentence, I would have assumed he wanted to spend some time alone with me, just me. Now that he was clearly a messenger for the family, that spark of hope was gone.

I blushed and started to shut myself off from him, "I don´t want to intrude on your family."

"Don´t be ridiculous. We all want you there."

"Do… _you_ want me there?"

My question seemed to shock him, he gave me a confused smile, "Of course I do. I thought we were past all this now."

"We are… It´s just… It doesn´t seem common for a girl to be hanging out at the house of her ex-boyfriend."

I heard him take in a harsh breath. Odd… Did he find my observation to be offensive? It certainly wasn´t common. Most teenagers who broke up wanted nothing to do with each other, and they certainly didn´t keep in contact with their families or maintain lasting friendships. But I didn´t want it to be the same for us. No matter what our past was, I wanted to be friends with him for the rest of my life. Hopefully when I grew old, he would still want my companionship.

His eyes were sad as he looked away. "If it bothers you…"

"No!" I said suddenly, "No, it doesn´t. I was just taken by surprise, that´s all. I´d love to spend time with your family… and you too."

He gazed up at me again, "Me?"

I smiled, "Yes, you. Surely you wouldn´t mind having a weak human around for company."

He grinned again, "Not at all."

This was how it was supposed to be, I reminded myself. But for some reason, it came so easily. Just looking at him gave me an extra boost of strength for the day. Perhaps we could do this, be together without really being together. It may be hard for me to handle, but just having him near was enough for me.

And with any luck, no, with hard work, my love for him would become a real friendship and my friendship with Jake would become a real love.

"Then forget my family." Edward said with a spark in his eyes,"Let´s go have some fun first."

But just then, I heard the tell-tale rumble of Jake´s motorcycle turning the corner. "Sorry… I actually already made plans with Jacob tonight."

His face fell, "Oh… That´s okay."

"Would tomorrow be okay?"

"Yeah… Tomorrow sounds great…"

I had never heard him use that kind of voice to me, like a wounded bird. Then again, he was Edward. I´ll bet even the smallest of rejections had never happened before in his life. As selfless as he was, he no doubt expected people to give in to him. God knows I wanted to…

"Bella," Jacob called, pulling up beside me.

The look on his face startled me, mirrored by Edward. It was the same look they had shared only once before at prom last year, a territorial look.

"Get on," he said simply, handing me his helmet, but never taking his eyes off Edward.

I looked between the two, trying to read something I knew I couldn´t. I wondered if Edward was getting Jacob´s thoughts right then, and wondered what they were. I didn´t like the looks between the two. It looked like they were ready to rip into each other´s throats again. I got on the motorcycle quickly just in case they snapped.

Edward´s eyes darted over to me for a second as I mounted the vehicle and put on my helmet, and then turned back to my new boyfriend. Jacob clutched the handle bars in preparation to take off.

"Jacob," Edward said suddenly.

I tensed. I could feel how agitated Jacob was against me. They had already been fighting on my account. _´Please, Edward… Don´t say anything to make him angry.´_

"I´m sorry about your arm. I lost control and I should have had more restraint."

Jacob looked shocked at the apology. He shifted around for a moment and said, "It´s nothing." His voice became deeper, "I´m stronger than you think."

Somehow that sounded more like a threat. As if I really needed yet another testosterone-fueled battle for dominance. I didn´t really care who was physically stronger, and they shouldn´t either, but I could see the way they sized each other up. To my utter disappointment, I understood that they loathed each other, and they would probably never see eye-to-eye.

Edward glanced back at me, his eyes softening, "Take care of yourself, Bella."

Jacob was already slowly moving away from him and out of the parking lot. I looked back at him, hoping that I didn´t look as longing as I felt. I could feel the shift in our relationship at that moment. Jacob was physically and emotionally putting more distance between us. For the life of me, I did not want to have to choose between the two. Edward was my life, but Jacob, he was my constant. I knew he would never let me down.

I buried my face into his back as the speed picked up and the wind started blowing in my face. As soon as we were a block away, I felt Jacob relax.

"So, are you ready to have a proper teenage experience?"

Uh oh. I didn´t like the sound of that. "What do you have planned?"

"I don´t have anything plan. It´s Friday night. Apparently there are a few parties going around just outside town."

I groaned. This was just what I needed. Drunken, horny teenagers trashing someone´s house while the parents were away. I had too much of a conscious for such things. Not to mention that if my father, the Chief of Police, were to ever find out about it, I was in for an eternity of isolated confinement. "I don´t know, Jake. That doesn´t really seem like me."

"Aw, come on! You hardly ever get out of the house, and you never do things that normal teenagers do."

We stopped at a red light and I smiled over his shoulder, "So it´s to be peer pressure, is it? Come on, Bella, let´s get wasted. All the cool people are doing it."

He laughed jokingly, "Yeah, you wanna be cool, don´t you?"

I wrinkled my nose, knowing I was far too socially independent to be one of those girls, "Not particularly."

"There´s nothing wrong with going for a little normalcy."

The intense heat of his body against mine was proof that we were nowhere near normal. "I think that went out the window as soon as I started hanging out with werewolves."

_´And vampires…´ _No, my life was far from normal.

"We´re still human, Bella. We know how to have a good time. Come on. Try to enjoy yourself."

I really didn´t want to say yes, but perhaps this would be good for me. It was about time I started adapting back into the human world. And perhaps I did need to spend some time with my new boyfriend in a more public setting before I felt more comfortable with the current phase of our budding relationship. Maybe a bit of alcohol would loosen me up enough to feel at ease. "Fine. I´ll try it out, but let´s not go overboard, okay?"

"Yes, yes, responsibility and all that."

The light turned green and we were off again. "Shut up, Jake."

It was only three o´clock when school got out, so naturally we had quite a few hours to kill before the debauchery began, so we headed back to La Push for a few hours to kill. Sam and Quil were already there when we arrived, palling around in the garage, probably swamping stuff around just to annoy Jacob later. I could tell immediately as we pulled in that they were antsy for some excitement.

I smiled. Apparently the Quileute teenagers were no different than the ones at my high school. Then again, that probably wasn´t a good thing. What were werewolves like at parties?

They waved us into the driveway and smiled at me. Quil called out, "Hey, vampire girl." Jacob shot them a dirty look. This time I didn´t have to second guess what he was thinking. Quil quickly corrected himself, "What am I saying? You´re one of us now, aren´t ya? Welcome back, werewolf girl."

I blushed a light pink and got off the motorcycle. I was flattered that they considered me one of their own, but it was weird to be regarded as though I was one of them, as though Jacob and I were married or something of a permanent nature. Of course I was happy they let me join in their werewolf games, but I knew I would always be "vampire girl", at least in my heart I would be. I would always be other.

"So," he said, putting his arm around my shoulders, "Are you ready to par-tay?"

"Leave her alone, Quil." Jake laughed as he parked his motorcycle, "It´s hard enough to get her to come to a party in the first place."

Sam came up the other side and wrapped his arm around my shoulders too, "Don´t worry. We´ll make sure Jake here doesn´t get you completely wasted. Unlike him, we´re classy."

Now that was something I couldn´t imagine. Jacob playfully jumped onto their shoulders and tackled them to the ground, "Hey, you let go of my girl! Get your own!"

I cringed a little at his reference to me as "his", but I couldn´t help but laugh at the lot of them. They rolled on the ground like a couple of feisty puppies, pinning each other and exchanging half-Nelsons on the porch. It was all too endearing.

The pack, and the tribe really, were like a big happy family. Maybe it was their secret that bound them together so tightly. They didn't have to worry about hiding who they were when they were in La Push. It reminded me of the Cullens, so tense in public but so relaxed and free at their home. I remembered how Edward looked when I first met him, back when he was fighting himself not to kill me. He had had a truly terrifying look about him. I had never truly been afraid of him, but I had always been fearful of why he would look at me that way. When that careful mask came down, it was hard to remember that he could look vicious. His features were so soft…

I shook my head. Best not to dwell on that. What matters is that this was also a tightly knit family, and for whatever reason, they wanted me.

The afternoon was the closest thing to teenage normalcy I had had in years. It wasn´t usual for me to be in the company of boys, but it was oddly refreshing. Maybe it was because these were Jacob´s friends, and I trusted Jacob with everything I had. I knew they wouldn't judge me for my awkwardness. We spent the next few hours playing video games in Jacob´s living room. Of course most of the time was spent arguing and placing bets, but I was just a quiet observer.

Then the sun set.

Like any parent, Billy would not approve of our plans, so the boys were very hush-hush about dragging their cans of beer into their truck. I made a face at the sight of them. I had never had more than a sip of alcohol in my life and beer was far too bitter for my tastes.

"What?" Jake asked as we loaded in the last.

"Beer… Not really my thing."

Quil laughed, "Don´t worry, I´m sure we´ll be able to find something fruity for you, little lady."

Jake smirked, "Just ignore him, Bella. Quil has the tolerance of a 12-year-old. You should have seen him the last time. Three beers and he was falling down the steps with his pants around his knees."

Quil chucked a beer at his head, only for Jacob to catch it, and got into the driver´s seat. We got in the back.

"Last time? How often do you guys do this?"

"Whenever we feel like it. Maybe a few times a month," Jake said, "Technically we´re not supposed to have alcohol on the reservation, but they never said anything about off the reservation."

I gave a chuckle as we pulled out of the driveway. Apparently we had escaped Billy. I could only hope that no one ratted me out to Charlie.

"What?"

"No… I just… never envisioned you guys to be party goers. I always imagine these places to have frat parties with a bunch of football players and cheerleaders breaking everything in sight. I never imagine normal people there."

Jake looked at me incredulously, "Normal? Moi? I´m offended."

Sam, who was in the front passenger seat, looked back at us, "Well this ain´t exactly a frat party. Anyone can come. Anyway, we´d best take advantage of a chance to socialize with "normal" people. After all, we can´t transform when we are inebriated so it´s a good chance to let loose."

My eyes went wide. "You can´t...? Really? How do you know?"

Sam rubbed the back of his neck, looking a little upset. I was almost afraid to hear the answer, "A while ago a fight broke out at one of the gatherings. Emily nearly got caught in the middle of it. I was so furious I was sure I was going to transform. A part of me didn´t even want to stop it."

I shuddered to think of it. I didn´t want to imagine him transforming into a werewolf in front of who knows how many party goers, only to kill them in his anger. Apparently Sam was thinking the same thing. Jake patted him on the shoulder. "It was a good surprise."

Sam smiled his thanks.

"So why can´t you transform then?"

Jake rolled his eyes, "We don´t know. We haven´t gone in to ask a doctor yet." I sighed in frustration, though I had to admit, he got me there. "We can only assume it has something to do with the way alcohol thins the blood. Maybe it interferes with the transformation taking hold. Anyway, you never know when someone´s going to piss you off, so it´s a huge relief to know that you don´t have to be afraid of your emotions."

"It´s not like you still couldn´t do some damage," I said, suddenly eyeing the muscles on his arms.

He cocked his eyebrow at me curiously, and I regretted it and stumbled, "That is to say that… Um… Werewolves… Oh crap."

A few hollers and woots and whistles from Sam and Quil and I was mortified. Jacob had his arm around my shoulder, clearly enjoying this embarrassing moment and how I cringed. I didn´t think I could be any redder. "Don´t be afraid of the guns, baby," he said, smirking that cocky smirk of his.

I moaned, "I´ll do my best."

I could hear the party long before we arrived. The others could too, "Looks like they´ve already started."

The paranoid girl in me came to the surface, "Won´t they call the cops? I can´t afford to get caught by Charlie."

"Don´t worry, vampire girl, there are no neighbors to complain around here."

"Stop calling her that," Jake mumbled, his voice low and intimidating.

I could feel the air in the vehicle come to a halt. Did the others know that the Cullens were back? Did they understand how Jacob felt about them, especially Edward?

"Sorry…" Quil said suddenly. For a big guy, it was weird to hear his voice as soft as that of a mouse.

The tension did not disperse. Jacob was still against me but it felt like his arm had tightened around my shoulder. I didn´t know why it bothered me so much to have him touch me like this. We had always touched before. We even held hands. Why did this feel so different to me now?

No matter. I was sure now a little alcohol would do me some good in the awkwardness department.

The party was in full swing. It wasn´t exactly like I had pictured from Hollywood movies, but it was definitely crowded and there was plenty of debauchery to go around. As usual, boys were playing video games in the living room and girls were either gossiping nearby or trying to get their attention. There were little groups of red plastic cups on every flat surface as far as I could see. So far it didn´t look like anything was trashed, but the place reeked of alcohol and the carpet was already stained.

"Hey, those Quileute guys are here."

Someone came to greet them, who I presumed was the host. We were led straight into the kitchen to begin fixing some drinks.

"Help yourself to anything," the host said, and addressed me directly, "And what will you be having?"

Jake smiled, "Something not too strong. She´s never done this before."

The host smiled, "Wow! A newbie! Okay then, Tequila Sunrise it is."

I watched him carefully so I could remember how to do it myself, and to see how much alcohol I was consuming. He filled up the glass about a fourth of the way up with tequila, then added the ginger ale, orange juice, and grenadine. When he was finished, it sure looked like a sunrise. "Go on! Try it out and tell me if it´s too strong."

The four of them eyed me carefully as I took my first drink. It was sweet, but I could still taste the sharpness of the alcohol. I swallowed, finding that it burned a little but not too much. Certainly not enough to waste the glass. "It´s good." I answered.

"Excellent," said Quil, "You´re on your way."

We all settled in the living room, Jake and I on the couch, listening to loud music or watching the others play silly games with each other. It was a little unusual for me, not knowing anyone but the people I had come with. I was too shy of a person to be social with strangers. However, the alcohol seemed to have an effect on everyone´s personality. People started introducing themselves and laughing with me like we had been friends for years. Some of the guys seemed to take a keen interest in me. Thanks to the alcohol they didn´t seem to notice my boyfriend´s arm around me. It was like the first day at Forks High all over again. Actually, many of the faces were familiar. I could recognize a few of their stares from my first day.

Beer Pong.

I had no idea what was happening when I was suddenly dragged away from the couch and taken over to the unusually long and thin table with the cups arranged into triangles. I didn´t really understand much of it, but as long as I didn´t have to drink any beer I would be happy. I only agreed to play when they agreed to fill the cups with some of my drink rather than beer.

Jake whispered in my ear, "You know this will get you drunk pretty fast, don't you?"

I didn´t see how. I had seen how much alcohol the others had had. There was such little alcohol in all 10 cups that the liquid content couldn´t be that much more than another 2 cups at most, and I had seen others finishing up their fourth beers.

"I think I can handle it," I said confidently, "I won´t play for very long."

He hesitated for a moment, but let me go. "Let´s just remember to stop when you´ve had enough, okay? Let me know when you start getting dizzy."

"Okay," I said. Fair enough, I wasn´t planning of having more than a few drinks anyway.

…

As I probably should have guessed, I was a horrible shot, but with every losing drink I cared less and less about losing and more and more about losing my inhibitions. Everyone looked so happy. I was hoping I could be as carefree as they were, in spite of the difficult issues going through my head. In a way, it was encouraging to hear the shouts of "Chug, chug, chug!" Even Jacob seemed to be enjoying the attention I was getting.

Sure enough, very quickly I started to feel woozy. It wasn´t an unpleasant feeling, but it wasn´t really pleasant either. It just kinda felt like I was about to start floating. After a while longer, I felt unusually happy. Not that there was anything to particularly be happy about. I just felt like I needed to smile at everyone.

After a lost 3 games, I was ready to call it quits. The crowd that had formed was rather sad to see me go, but I knew that I shouldn´t get carried away my first time. I had definitely reached that point Jacob had warned me about. The room was spinning but it seemed to be dancing a little as well, and it felt really good. That was a little nerve-racking. Thinking I was going to fall, I held on to Jacob all the way back to the couch. The original cup I had was still there. I had forgotten about it as soon as they dragged me away. I was plenty tipsy by now but I didn´t see any harm in having one last drink. There wasn´t much alcohol in it anyway.

It was about 2 in the morning when the party really came to life, but I was already too inebriated to care about the crowds. It seemed I still handed reached my peak yet. I was feeling stranger and stranger even quicker than before. Quil and Sam joked that I was clearly a happy drunk, which was true, I couldn´t stop giggling. A few times I even seemed to black out for a moment. They had to repeat every other sentence to me, which didn´t bother them. In fact they found it hilarious. I however, found it to be very annoying and disorienting not to remember what happened seconds before.

I wasn´t sure I could make it to the bathroom on my own, but I sure wasn´t letting one of the boys come with me. I stumbled by way into the dark hallway and towards the door at the end. The bathroom light was brighter than I expected. It gave me a headache.

All of a sudden the room really started to spin. I reached out and grabbed the towel rack and the towels, slipping and hitting my head hard against the rail. ´_Damnit!´_

Of course I couldn´t be left alone for more than a few moments without hurting myself. The room was still spinning. I followed the wall with my hands towards the sink and looked into the mirror. There was a bright pink spot right in the middle of my forehead, as though I was about to sprout a horn. Fan-freaking-tastic…

I also noted how strange my face looked. It had to be the alcohol affecting my sight. I looked haggard, like I had just been asleep for the past century. My eyes were a little blood shock and I had some problems making out my features. Strange, why didn´t any of the other girls look this bad? Of course I was always my worst critic.

The room spun again, this time sending a wave of nausea through me. I didn't even have the ability to move to the toilet before I vomited in the sink. Well at least it wasn´t on the floor.

Even better… My first time drinking and I had to go and get sick. I cleaned myself off as best as I could and let go of the sink to head to the toilet, when suddenly my feet came out from under me. My head smacked against the tile floor.

Okay, something was definitely wrong here. I hadn´t had a great deal of alcohol and I have seen plenty of drunk people but I had never seen people being totally unable to walk unless they had really been binge drinking. I had to get Jacob and get out of here.

My fear turned to terror when I realized that I couldn´t call out for Jacob. I opened my mouth but no sound came out.

Having a police chief for a father and all the criminal knowledge that comes with it, only one thing could come to mind when I was really drunk in spite of not much alcohol, falling over myself within minutes, blacking out, room spinning, vomiting, and an inability to speak…

Had I been drugged?

At the moment I was too scared to even consider it. I had to get back to Jacob. I somehow made it to the door but didn´t even know how I got there. I used the door handle to pull myself up to my feet and stumbled out. I started back down the hallway towards the festivities. I could barely see in front of me. Panicked, I began towards them, but suddenly I was being pulled backwards. I was trying to move forward but my body wasn´t paying attention. In fact it felt like I was being pulled back from the neck.

That´s when I got really terrified. If I truly had been drugged, then someone had to be waiting around to take advantage of me. A scream for help seemed to be stuck at the back of my throat. I opened my mouth and tried to yell but I couldn´t no matter how hard I tried. There was only one other option, and it wasn´t likely to work. I tried to turn around to fight whoever was behind me, but just then, a huge crash came from the living room. Whatever was pulling me back was gone and I fell to the floor again. I crumbled in a heap on the floor in the darkness. When I looked up there was no one there. I was safe.

And yet I wasn´t. The room was still spinning in every direction and the nausea was back. I had never felt so ill and scared… and alone. Jacob was just around the corner but no matter what I couldn´t alert him to what was happening.

I heard the faint sounds of gasps in the living room, and suddenly Jacob´s voice shouting "What the fuck are you doing here?"

I couldn´t hear the answer as the crowd suddenly exploded into gasps and cheers. I heard a cry of "Fight fight fight" over the sounds of a struggle, but I couldn´t make out what was happening.

Suddenly there was a shadow over me again. I cowered away, terrified that whoever had drugged me had come back to finish what he had started. I cringed when I felt myself being lifted into a pair of arms.

But all my fear and anxiety melted away as I felt the coldness of his body… I looked up at him and saw my Edward, my everlasting savior. I tried to say his name, but nothing came out. He looked just as panicked as I felt.

"It´s okay, Bella. I´m taking you to Carlisle. I think someone tried to drug you. Do you understand?"

I couldn´t even move my head to response. I could only stare at him. He didn´t wait for an answer and hoisted me into his arms and walked briskly back into the living room. More gasps echoed in my head, so much louder than they should have been.

"Bella!" I heard Quil cry out.

Suddenly, Jacob was in front of me, a look of rage on his face, and I was happy that tonight he would not be able to transform.

"What happened? What´s wrong with her?"

"Isn´t it obvious, Jacob? She was drugged!"

A must have blacked out again for another second. Jacob was trying to take me out of Edward´s arms. _´No!´_

I held onto him tightly. I didn´t care why or how he was here. I was too terrified to let go of him.

"Stand down, Jacob! I´m taking her to my father." He began walking again, "And everyone throw out your drinks just in case."

I closed my eyes and let the dizziness fade. I felt the coldness of the nighttime air as we left the house, the softness of the car seats as he put me into his car. I heard the engine turn on and the shaking motion of the car as we backed out of the driveway. The last thing I heard was Jacob calling my name and Edward´s thumb stroking my forehead before I let the world disappear from my mind.

To be continued…

**Pfh… High school drinkers. I don´t care how cool it seems now, they don´t hold a candle to college parties ******** Of course, once you´re older and it´s legal it really loses its edge… But hey, at least we get clubs! I love being 22!**

**Yes, scary chapter! Believe it or not, this does have a purpose to be mentioned pretty soon. I didn´t put it here just to put a little annoying moral of the story for all you readers. Though I will tell you this… It takes one second for you to look away for someone to drop a roofie into your cup. Be careful. **

**Anyway, yes, Bella got drugged and knight-in-shining-armor Edward once again came to save the day! Please review on this chapter. I really didn´t like to be away from Edward POV but I am exciting to write the next part with him. Your support is always appreciated! xoxoxoxo**


	13. Ch 13: Like A Drug

Ch 13: Like a Drug

**EPOV**

It took a great deal of strength not to sprint after that motorcycle, for two reasons. One, the sight of her on that death machine still had me terrified, even with that helmet on. I wouldn´t be comfortable with that until she had a full armored body suit with enough padding to make her bounce off the road. Second, the obvious, that seeing her ride away with that dog filled me with a jealous rage. I meant what I said when I apologized, but I wasn´t about to forgive him for putting her in danger even if he did apologize, nor for taking her away from me.

But then I shook my head at myself and laughed. Jacob didn´t have to keep Bella away from me. I just as well handed her over to him. Of course I knew this would happen. Bella was too wonderful to stay single for long. I couldn´t have possibly expected that she would wait for me.

I got into my car, the only one left in the small parking lot, and started the short drive home.

It was so strange that a part of me wanted her to have waited for me, wanted her to have ached for me as much as I did for her. The more logical side of me knew that there was no reason for her to suffer, and hurting her would have caused me irreversible damage. Still, I found myself wondering how quickly it took her to get over me. I knew she had cried when I left. When had those tears stopped? When did she wake up only to realize that she didn´t care anymore? The thoughts burned a hole in my stomach. In spite of everything, I wanted her to love me. Not just the kind brought out of the friendship we had now. I wanted her to need me like I needed her. I wanted her to leave Jacob for me. I wanted her to abandon the perfect life ahead of her just so I could keep her. I was a selfish prick indeed.

Knowing that I would be able to see her day after day was enough for me to be satisfied. I didn´t have to be happy, only she did. As long as she wanted me here, I had to stick by my promise.

As I parked in my driveway, I lingered in the car. There was another thought… How long was I going to be able to justify staying here? If I somehow survived this confrontation with Victoria and the Volturi, unlikely as it might be, what other reason would I have to stay behind? I certainly couldn´t stay in Forks forever. People were bound to notice that I wasn´t aging. I couldn´t go back to school after just a few years of college either. I wondered if Bella ever planned to come back to the town she hated so much once she was out of high school. If she went anywhere else, even if it was the sunniest place on earth, I would want to follow her. Even if I had to stay indoors during the day and isolate myself from the outside world, I would do it if she let me just exist in her life.

Jasper sensed my melancholy as I came through the door.

"I take it she didn´t come with you?"

"No," I said, forcing a little smile, "She had plans with Jacob."

"Ah," he said quietly, _´Hope she stays out of trouble.´_

I hissed at his thoughts automatically.

"I´m sorry," He said quickly, "I´m sorry. You know I just am concerned about the werewolves."

His apology certainly didn´t help. The very thought of her around those dogs made my skin crawl. It took a great deal of strength not to go after her, at the very least just to watch over her. But I knew I couldn´t break the treaty and risk my family without justification. Bella trusted Jacob, and I no longer had any say over her life. I would have to trust her judgment. I cringed; Bella´s judgment was not something to be trusted.

"Please don´t test my patience, Jasper," I said, trying to be amicable but hardly succeeding.

"I know… I´m sorry… Maybe she´ll come over tomorrow."

I sighed at his weak attempt to give me hope. "Yeah… I hope so."

The evening was slow. I tried to drown out the thoughts of my family with music. I even got desperate enough to put on some loud rock music, but their thoughts still whispered to me, _´Isn´t he nervous?´ ´What´s Bella doing tonight?´ ´She never goes out much. I wonder what they do together.´_

Every one of them couldn´t help but think the inevitable every now and then, that perhaps Bella and Jacob were more intimate than we had ever been. I tried to drown out their visions of Jacob, covering Bella. The pain was so stifling that it felt like I was burning in the eternal fire of transformation all over again. No, I couldn´t handle that, and yet I knew that as soon as they did do anything, Jacob would rub my face in it. I just knew he would taunt me with images of their pleasure together.

I held back a sob. I imagined her smiling up at him, her face flushed, her body bare, her eyes filled with love. I could hear her whispering his name in the darkening, the sounds of their kisses, the sounds of…

"No!" I shouted, throwing a CD case into the wall. It shattered on impact.

I held my head in my hands. It was true, jealous drives you mad. I was surely on the brink of insanity. Logic be damned, I didn´t want that mongrel to lay a hand on her, and I most certainly didn´t want him to experience what I so desperately yearned for. I had gone 100 long years without such a need. Sure, I was no stranger to sexual urges. I had seen it in the minds of everyone, and I couldn´t deny that I had wanted it myself. As a vampire, I knew I could never give into such a dream, even for a night with a stranger, not unless I wanted the girl to die. And I was a man of tradition still. I was always desperately waiting for the one, as hard as it was to wait for that. Bella was the only one I knew who made me love her so passionately that the human man in me had awoken. Sexual urges were not my forte, but I yearned for her in dangerous and frightening ways. Perhaps it was because I was a vampire. Perhaps it was because I was too frozen inside before I met her to feel anything at all.

I shook my head. I did a very poor job of not thinking about Bella and sex. The things I wanted to happen were still on the brink of my mind. Those were dreams that would never be. I knew I would never love another woman as long as I lived. I smiled bitterly. Looks like Emmett was right. I really was going to die a virgin. That´s okay, I could live with that, as long as Bella was safe and happy.

There were thoughts that were oddly more frightening to me than sex… Eventually I knew Bella would get married, whether to Jacob or some other undeserving human. I didn´t know why it bothered me more, but the idea that even her soul was out of my reach, untouchable... It was her soul I was trying to protect in all this craziness. I remembered my fears when we had first met, imagining her walking down the aisle in white lace to Wagner´s March… The pain of that thought was just as strong today as it was then, so powerful I felt like I was being choked to death by Bella herself.

Suddenly, Alice had a vision. I heard her gasp and I automatically focused in on her, as I always did whenever she had these reactions. I saw a house in the middle of nowhere with loud music blaring from all windows. It was filled with young people. Apparently another one of those useless high school parties. I couldn´t help but suddenly be fearful for those poor fools. Was there a vampire lurking amongst them and about to slaughter them all? Why else would Alice be having a vision of this? It didn´t concern us what humans did.

But then I saw that I never thought I would see in my endless existence, my Bella drunk, laughing with friends and strangers and drinking cup after cup of something, I could not see what, but I was no stranger to the games of teenagers. A pained gasp broke through my throat, followed by a growl of rage as I saw Jacob next to her, drunk himself and hovering over her. Is this what he had planned for them to do together? I could worry even further… Was this dog desperate enough to take advantage of her?

I ran out the room and towards the living room where Alice was, along with Jasper. I glared at her but she was still in the throes of the vision. I saw the hours pass and Jacob tried nothing, but Bella got stranger and stranger. She went to the bathroom and suddenly she was falling, vomiting, and then falling again. Her face was filled with fear. And then someone, a face I couldn´t see in Alice´s point of view, was dragging her backwards into the hallway, dragging her off no doubt to have his way with her.

"No!" I yelled, my very voice shaking the glass of the chandelier.

I didn´t wait. I didn´t even know if I was too late to stop this. I ran out of the house as fast as I possibly could and took off in my car. Alice knew what I was going to do. I could already feel that the vision was shifting, but she screamed out to me in her mind the location of the party. By the time her voice faded from my mind, I was too many miles away to hear her.

Words could not express my fury, both at Jacob for putting her in such a destructive environment, and Bella for being stupid enough to go along with this. I knew perfectly well that she knew nothing about alcohol. I knew that with her body size what amount of alcohol she should limit herself to. I knew that what was happening in that bathroom was far from normal.

Someone had drugged her.

There was nothing in the world more horrifying to me than rape, and the very thought that someone wanted to do that to my precious Bella was beyond infuriating. If I found out who did it, no, _when_ I found out who did it, I would happily feast on their blood, even if they were human.

I cringed and forced myself to stop thinking such thoughts. This wasn´t the first time Bella´s virtue had been threatened, and it wasn´t the first time I had been this angry. I remembered all too well those men in Port Angeles who had herded her like some kind of cattle, their thoughts sick and evil. I had wanted so badly to tear them to pieces right then and there, even in front of her, but I couldn´t bear to do anything that would frighten Bella away.

Now that Bella would never be mine, perhaps I had no reason not to do away with her would-be rapist…

I had no time to dwell on the thoughts. I came to the house and screeched to a halt in front of a bunch of drunken teenagers hanging around on the outside. In their drunken stupor, their reaction to me wasn´t nearly as powerful, but they were frightened all the same.

The sounds of their thoughts gave me such a headache. Their vision was blurred and they were sickeningly slow and numb. I grinded my teeth, thinking about Bella being taken into this kind of world. I couldn´t stand the thought of someone poisoning her precious mind with such a useless drug.

I didn´t bother to knock. It was all I could not to jump through the window. I broke down the door with one kick. Screams and gasps of shock followed, and then no one spoke. Through the blast of music, I could hear them murmur my name in their minds.

_´That's Edward Cullen! What is he doing here?´_

_´Oh my God, it´s Edward… and I look a mess!´_

_´Who in the world invited him?´_

Jacob was the next face I saw and I instantly forgot about all else but taking him out, and I certainly wouldn´t apologize for this one.

´_No_´ I told myself, _´Save Bella first.´_

He towered over me. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

His thoughts were almost as furious as mine, and yet he did not show any signs of transforming… Odd. I didn´t pay attention long enough to find out why. If he didn´t get out of my way, I would make him. He came at me, and I shoved him aside and into the couch, breaking the wooden frame in two with a shattering snap. The party goers gasped, screamed, and cheered. The more sober amongst them were terrified and wondering if they should call the police, but then thinking that they would have no time to get here before we both killed each other.

I bolted towards the almost empty hallway, just where I knew it would be. I could have cried in relief when I found my Bella alone and unharmed, crumbled on the floor. Apparently I had made it just in time. My fury intensified ten-fold as I realized that her attacker was probably only a second out of my grasp.

But then I saw her face twisted in pain and confusion. I heard her breathing hard. I could see her shaking. No, she wasn´t unharmed. I was positive now that she had been given something. I had to get her medical attention and water as soon as possible. Seeing her eyes drooping, I knew that I couldn´t allow her to pass out either, not until I knew it was safe to do so.

I gently pulled my darling Bella into my arms, and I could swear she felt more fragile than normal. My wounded tiger kitten… She curled into me like a kitten did, clung to me like I was her only friend in the world. Instantly, I felt relief. It wasn´t complete, but it was enough for me to not fall apart with panic. Nothing could ever be wrong in this world as long as Bella was in my arms.

She stared at me in such confusion and I yearned to smooth her brow with my fingertips. Her eyes were glazed and I didn´t know if she could really see me. I cringed. Everything depended on exactly which drug she had been given. I might have some medical training, but only a real doctor would be able to tell.

"It´s okay, Bella. I´m taking you to Carlisle. I think someone tried to drug you. Do you understand?"

She looked like she was trying to say something, my name maybe, but I didn´t hear anything more than a whisper of a breath. Well there was another symptom for me to address to Carlisle. I saw how scared she was and it pulled at my heart. Instinctively, I held her to me tighter, bringing her face into my neck. Her breath, though it reeked of alcohol, was still warm and soothing.

Jacob was back on his feet by the time I came back into the living room. Of course, now that I had Bella in my arms, the inevitable thoughts came to the crowd of a fight between rivals, ´_Wow, looks like this is about Bella. This should be good.´_

Jacob´s face twisted into shock as he saw Bella in my arms. On top of that was fury that I was touching her. He came forward. "What happened? What´s wrong with her?"

Yes, curious indeed. He was infuriated but I could not detect any change in him. Like the others, his mind was a blur of alcohol. I found him suddenly hard to read. He switched so quickly between thinking about the party, Bella´s condition, and fury at my intrusion. He even thought that I had done something to her, the bastard.

"Isn´t it obvious, Jacob? She was drugged!"

I was too startled to move as Jacob suddenly tried to take Bella out of my arms. Without even thinking about it, a growl erupted from my throat and I flashed my teeth at him. The other students recoiled in fear, but most were thinking that they were just too drunk to know what was going on. I let the animalistic growl rip through me and held Bella against me. There was no way I was going to hand her over to him. I didn´t care how drunk he was. He should have been watching out for her. He knew perfectly well that Bella had never had alcohol before, and yet he didn´t even think to make sure she was safe.

But I would deal with him later. "Stand down, Jacob! I´m taking her to my father." I moved towards the door again, seeing that it was finally registering in his mind that she truly had been drugged. He was looking at Bella in confusion, at the look of misery on her face, at the sweat that had formed on her brow. Before I stepped outside, I tried to give the others just a little tip. Whoever attacked Bella might still be here, I wouldn´t know until I investigated for myself, which I would, but perhaps every one of them was at risk. "And everyone throw out your drinks just in case."

In a few seconds we were out to the car. As I gently put her into the car seat, I could hear and see Jacob coming up behind me. I stroked Bella´s cheek for a moment, borrowing strength from her, and turned around to face my rival.

"Just how did you know that this would happen?" He growled.

But the other teenagers were watching closely from the house, I had to keep my voice down and keep it simple. "My sister saw it. It´s a good thing too, because whoever drugged her had tried to drag her away as well."

His face registered shock. "I don´t believe you!"

"You don´t have to," I said simply, "Now if you´ll excuse me, the longer I wait the more at risk Bella is."

Even Jacob couldn´t go against that, and he knew perfectly well that doing so would be akin to devaluing Bella´s health. He yearned to take her to the doctor himself, but I would never give him that gratification. I answered his thoughts, "I suggest in the future that if you are going to be her boyfriend you make sure she doesn´t get hurt."

More fury. "You think I wanted something like this to happen?"

"You know she has never had anything to drink. You know she doesn´t know how to be safe. Don´t tell me you aren´t at fault when you should have been watching her."

There was a hint of shame in his thoughts, but he was covering it up with anger. I didn´t have any more time to consider his thoughts, I got into the car and quickly pulled out onto the road. With a quick turn of the wheel, the car was flipped around and we were speeding towards my house.

As I dialed the phone for Carlisle, to give him a head start on preparing a treatment, I shook Bella´s shoulder, "Stay awake, Bella." I said, "Don´t go to sleep."

She moaned and burned her face into the leather seats. I shook her again, "Bella, please, you can´t go to sleep until we know what happened. You might end up in a coma for all I know."

She groaned again, a light sound this time. I knew she couldn´t speak, and so she couldn´t possibly argue with me. She kept dozing and I fought to keep her awake.

Carlisle picked up, "Edward? Alice already told me what was happening. We have everything ready for you."

"Thanks," I said simply, and hung up.

Now I had to focus all my attention on keeping her conscious. I pulled her up into a good seating position but her head kept falling forward. I slapped at her cheeks lightly to wake her. I was really starting to panic again. What if she fell asleep and never woke up again?

"Damn it, Bella, stay awake!" I shouted. It wasn't like me to curse, but I was losing my mind with worry.

She looked up at me with frightened and glazed eyes. I hated seeing her like that. The last thing I wanted was for her to fear anything. I promised I would keep her safe. Had I let her down for the last time?

No, that was unthinkable. As soon as we pulled up into the driveway, even before the car came to a full stop, I pulled her into my arms and jumped out of the car. In another few seconds, we were inside the house and up the stairs. True to his word, Carlisle had everything ready. The rest of the family, having been notified of Alice´s vision, had gathered in the room as well. I set her down on the gurney and slapped at her cheeks again, trying to keep her attention. "It´s okay, Bella. We´ll make sure you´re okay."

It was so hard to keep my voice even. I knew I had to be strong for her sake, but it was hard to play the part of the calm and collected friend. Bella didn´t respond, but she did seem to finally focus on my face. I saw her lips move, trying her hardest to speak. "Don´t strain yourself. Just let Carlisle take care of you."

Carlisle came up beside us. "Bella, what happened?"

"She can´t seem to speak. It looks like she is trying to, but can´t actually make any sounds."

He instantly began jotting down notes. "What else?"

"She can´t seem to walk correctly, she vomited in the bathroom at the house, she can´t seem to see anything very clearly," As I said that, he glanced at each of her eyes, thinking to himself that they looked rather hazy. "She keeps falling in and out of consciousness; her breathing is odd to me…"

I stopped when suddenly I smelled the salt of her tears. I was at her side in a millisecond, cradling her face in my hands. "Bella? What´s wrong?"

Of course she couldn´t answer me, but she sobbed anyway. Tentatively, I put my arms around her and pulled her close. If I could I would suck the pain right out of her body.

"Apparently, mood swings too," Carlisle said as he continued writing. "Yep, this looks like a case of Rophypnol to me. The classic date rape drug."

I clenched my jaw tight, remembering the horror of Alice´s vision. As soon as I was sure Bella was safe I was running back there to track him down. If I couldn´t kill him, I could at the very least maim him. Bella´s sobs were the only thing that could distract me from my fury. I rubbed her back softly. It had always worked in the past. I wanted to sing to her too, but thought better of it. Better not to pretend like things were the same between us, just like they had always been.

She probably wouldn´t care for the song anymore…

"What do I do?" I asked Carlisle.

"Nothing much we can do. The effects should last anywhere from 8 to 12 hours. She´ll probably not remember what happened tonight. She will just have to wait it out. You can take her home."

I knew that would probably be the best thing to do. A part of me even wondered if I should tell her father about this. As a policeman, he understood the severity of this, and he would no doubt help in the search for the perpetrator. Then again, I didn´t want Bella to get in trouble when her boyfriend should have been watching over her. What´s more, if the police got involved, I wouldn´t be able to have the pleasure of finding and taking down her attacker.

But putting my blood lust aside, I was terrified of being apart from her right now. The thought of anyone hurting her had awoken a beast inside of me. Just like in Port Angeles, I knew I would do something I regretted if I was left alone now. I knew I didn´t deserve this precious girl, and yet I strove to be worthy of her. Plus, if anything did go wrong, I wanted Carlisle to be right there.

"Do you think it´s alright if she stays here for the night… I don´t want her to be far from medical attention."

Carlisle smiled, understanding what I couldn´t bring myself to say. In his thoughts, he was thinking about how undeserving I thought I was, how I could never see just how perfect she and I were together. I had to bite my tongue to keep from refuting that.

I had the answer I needed. I heard Bella sigh as I pulled her into my arms again and headed off towards my room. I cursed the fact that I had no bed of my own, but the couch in my room was comfortable enough…. Just not big enough for me to lie down next to her…

I could have laughed at myself if I weren´t so pitiful. Why was I even considering being with her like that? Those times were over. She was being watched over by someone else. Well, at least for tonight, I would be able to guard her again.

"It´s okay, Bella. You can sleep now."

I laid her down on the sofa and went to the corner to fetch some blankets. I had expected her to fall asleep immediately, but when I turned around she was back on her feet, shuffling towards me. She mumbled something, I couldn´t make out what, before her feet gave out again. I caught her around the waist, "Bella!"

And then she smiled at me. This wasn´t the smile I had fallen in love with. This was the smile of a drunk. But no, she was far worse than a drunk right now. Long ago I thought her blood was my own brand of heroine, but Bella herself was like a drug to me. The heat of her body enveloped mine and all I wanted to do was hold onto her like this forever. Us, chest to chest, heart to heart, eye to eye, we were just like I always wished we could be. For one infinite moment, it was like the love between us had never faded. It was like I never left.

And suddenly I felt like I was falling face-first into the sun, into Bella´s tempting lips. She lunged forward and in my confusion I couldn´t react, but my entire body came to life as I felt her kiss. As though lightning had struck me, I shook in both pleasure and pain, not knowing which one I ought to feel, but sure it would kill me. Her hands buried in my hair, pulling me closer to her and engulfing me in the wetness and warmth of her mouth. It was a pleasure I had never forgotten but one that my soul ached for. With a gasp of pure anguish, I was suddenly kissing her back, kissing her like I had never kissed her before. The force it took to not crush her to me had me shaking, and was the only hold on reality that I had left.

Her lips tasted just like they always had, like my heroine blood. The sweetness of her blood coated her skin and seeped through to the surface, not enough for me to lose myself but certainly enough for me to forget myself, forget my surroundings.

I would move mountains for her, die for her, lasso the moon for her, but I couldn´t give her what she really needed anymore… a life without me. By this very kiss, I knew that I could never be parted from her, no matter how she felt about me, even if I was to never kiss her again, even if we were to never speak again. The only moments that mattered to me anymore was time spent with her, and I knew that this kiss would be imprinted into my lips until the end of time.

And the way she kissed me, if actually felt like she meant it, like she loved me just as she did before, and that was the most painful of all, to be so close to her heart and yet not able to claim it.

For the tiniest moment, I kissed her like I had dreamed of for months, as though if I didn´t the world would come to an end. And I was pretty sure it would, because in spite of this pleasure, I knew that it was wrong. Yet another side effect of the drug… promiscuity, a feature Bella never had. She loved someone else and I would be a monster to take advantage of her lack of consciousness.

She probably didn´t realize that I had begun to cry, but I couldn´t continue this. I pulled her off of me, looking at her desperately, trying to make her see that she was killing me. Instead of seeing me, seeing the pain she caused me, she collapsed into my arms again.

"Bella!"

And then, putting an end to this fiasco, I heard her light snore. But I found no humor in it. To think that for so long I had wanted nothing but to kiss her again, and in doing so she might as well have ripped my heart out and sent it through a shredder. Emotionally weak, I hugged her to me, needing the contact, needing the small reminder of the love we once shared, and I cried. This thing called love was surely the work of the devil. How could God make something that made you feel both wonderful and horrible at the same time, tempting you and punishing you at once? No, God would not save me from the devil. I was a monster and my soul was tainted. Perhaps that was why I couldn´t let go of Bella…

And then I laid her on the couch, covering her with the blankets, finally putting distance between us. And yet with that kiss I only wanted to touch her more. Would fate ever show me a kind hand?

I shook my head. But it had. My Bella was alive. She was drugged, but she would be fine, and that was worth everything.

I sat in the corner of the room, watching her like I did when I firstk new her, but I longed to be closer every second. The feel of her lips against mine was still fresh and I replayed every millisecond in my mind, trying to find some meaning behind it, just to know that I could get through this. This agony was not meant to be endured. How could I kiss her today and then watch her walk down the aisle to kiss another tomorrow?

But I knew the answer. I would see to it that her life was happy, and when that was certain, when it wouldn´t be noticed, my existence would cease to be. Without her… I might as well be in hell.

To be continued…

**Shoot! I hadn´t even noticed that so much time had passed. I hope you´ll forgive the delay. Once again, poor Edward must suffer thanks to me, but don´t worry I plan to make it up in full and then some interest! Please leave a review and let me know how I´m doing, even if you didn´t like something. Toodles!  
**


	14. Ch 14: Hangover

Ch 14: Hangover

**BPOV**

I felt unusually soft and warm. I was wrapped in something smooth and fluffy. But those were the only thoughts I had before I became aware of the intense pain throughout my body. The nausea was the quickest feeling, stretching from my stomach all the way to the back of my lips, and behind it I could taste the lingering flavor of tequila and fruit juice. The sting was the same as it was from the drink but it felt like it had been imprinted into my throat, long after I had finished. Then there was the excruciating headache. This wasn´t just any headache, it felt like someone had placed ten-ton blocks onto my temples and was crushing in my skull.

I felt the sensation of needing to vomit, but it didn't come. I groaned out loud.

"Not so much fun now, is it?"

Edward´s velvety voice rushed to my ears, but contrary to what normally happened, the sound jarred my pounding head. Since when had Edward´s voice been this deep? It sounded more bass than usual, shaking my eardrums.

Tentatively, I opened my eyes. He was sitting in a chair some 5 feet away with his elbows on his knees, starring at me like I was fascinating being so sick. I could barely look at him straight. The room had one wall that was an all-glass window, and the light was shining through. Instantly I pulled the blankets over my head. A hangover on one of the only sunny days in Forks… Just my luck. The brightness of it reaching my eyes felt like someone had taken a knife to my head.

"Sorry," Edward said, "I´ll close the blinds."

"Stop talking so loud," I said, but blushed when I realized he wasn´t actually talking loudly.

I heard him chuckle and then the sounds of the blinds being closed. Somehow able to feel the darkness surround me, I pulled my head back out of the sheets. There was just enough light to see Edward, but barely. It wasn´t like I was in a state to see straight.

Edward´s voice became a whisper, "Is that better?"

I nodded my head and instantly regretted it. It felt like my insides were being shaken. I gripped my head with my hands and groaned again. I was shocked by the coldness of Edward´s hands on my temple. "Don´t worry, it will pass. This happens to most people their first time."

_´First and last for me_,´ I thought to myself. Indeed, I didn´t think I would be drinking again anytime soon, if not ever.

"Am I at your house?" I asked.

"Yes."

"How did I get here?"

He was silent for a while. I saw his forehead wrinkle as he gentle massaged my head with his cold fingers. For a moment, I completely forgot what I wanted to know. The coldness of his hands was an instant relief and a leaned into his touch.

"Alice had a vision of you, so I came and got you."

I searched through my memory of the night before to see if I remembered seeing him there, but I drew a blank. The whole evening was such a blur. I only knew that Jake had been there with me, I had played a few games of beer-pong… And then nothing else, or at least no other memories other than smiling faces and the fuzzy numbness in my head, images that seemed to come more from a dream rather than reality.

Still, why would Edward have been there? "Why did you do that? You don´t go to parties, and you certainly don´t drink."

"Bella, I came to get you out of there," He said, as though it were so obvious.

I sighed as his fingers rubbed the back of my ears. "Why? I was just at a party. What´s the worst that could happen?"

The delightful motion stopped and the comfort was gone. Edward´s face twisted into an anger that I was unprepared to see. "The worst? How about getting drugged, Bella?"

I cringed at his voice, having picked up again. "Drugged?" I mused, my voice sounding very much drugged itself.

"That´s right. How could you have been so stupid, Bella? You never let go of your drink, not even for a second. A second is all it takes for someone to slip you a pill."

"Would you please keep your voice down?" I shouted, my own voice hurting me.

"Sorry," he whispered again, and returned to massaging my head.

I shut my eyes and tried to remember still, but came up with nothing. Even trying to remember hurt right now. "How could I have been drugged?"

"Don´t be so naïve, Bella. You wouldn´t even have been able to taste it. Actually, I´ll bet you don´t remember much of the night, right? That would be the pill´s purpose. Making you not remember."

A new sick feeling curdled in my stomach. I had taken enough sex education class at this point to know the implications of a date rape drug. I couldn´t feel much other than my head and my stomach at the moment, but I squirmed a little, wondering if I was damaged elsewhere, fearing that the date rape drug had fulfilled its purpose.

But I could feel no change in my body. It certainly didn´t feel like I had been raped, but it wasn´t like I knew what it felt like from experience. I looked up at him in fear, asking him for an answer he probably didn´t know and no doubt I didn´t want to hear, "Did they… Am I… okay?"

The anger gone from his face, he sighed and smiled a little, "Yeah, you´re fine. I got there just in time. Nothing happened."

I breathed a sigh of relief and let him continue to play with my hair and scalp. I only wished his fingers could reach into my head and settle whatever it was that was making my head pound.

"You saved me again… Thank you," I whispered.

"You´re welcome," he said simply, ever polite.

"You didn´t have to, you know?"

I was a better judge of that than anyone else. How many girls were still protected by their exes? I always imagined that ex-boyfriends didn´t much care what happened to their ex-girlfriends. Either way I was incredibly lucky that Edward was the exception. Of course I never would have pegged him as the type to not care, but it surprised me nonetheless that he would actually go out of his way for me.

"Of course I did," He said in the sweetest of sounds. God, his voice was just as soothing as his hands. I hoped he didn´t notice how dazzled I was even in a hangover.

Actually I felt more like a cat being coerced into sleep. If Edward wasn´t beside me I would be very tempted to just sleep the day away, but I had something even bigger to worry about, "Charlie… Does he know?"

"No… Though sometimes I really think you deserve to be grounded by him, but I won´t interfere. Just be careful in the future or I won´t be so generous."

"Oh, come on. You can´t be a snitch. You´re supposed to be my friend."

He rolled his eyes and laughed, "Yes, and as your friend I will be making sure you don´t hurt yourself."

"Edward, you can´t control me. It was my decision to go and if I get hurt it´s my own fault."

His fingers slowed. "I know… I just worry about you. You´re always so reckless."

It kind of hurt to hear him say that. He had said it many times before, but at least then I knew that it when we something more than we were now he didn´t mind that I was a burden to him. What did he think of me now? On top of that, why did he assume that I couldn´t take care of myself? He had left me with a heart in countless pieces, but I had survived, didn't I? Barely… but I had still survived. In spite of what he thought, I wasn't in danger of being hit by a car every moment he wasn´t around.

"You sound like I need to be taken care of." I grumbled.

The look on his face was soft, but something about it made my heart ache. For a moment he didn´t seem to be looking at me, his eyes glazed and staring off into his own mind. Why did he have to look so… sad? The urge to reach out to him assailed me, to somehow pull away whatever thoughts were plaguing his mind, to at least make him know that he was not alone… But what could a mere human like me do to help a vampire?

"Don´t we all?" He replied quietly.

I didn´t think I could respond to that. If I could, I would say that he didn´t need anyone to take care of him, but somehow the thought of it hurt me. I wanted him to need me in any small way. As his friend, I had to have some worth in his life. I didn´t know exactly what was the value of this friendship, but I knew I needed his like mad. But I was the weak human. Of course I would be needing him. I was emotionally weak and hopelessly in love with him, the flawless, selfless, intelligent god of a man. Like he said, vampires had ways of distracting themselves. If I was a vampire, I wondered if I would be able to distract myself… to fall out of love with him too.

Instead I said the next thing that came to my mind, "Unless you´re a vampire…"

He didn´t respond. His fingers had migrated to the back of my neck. I sighed again at the joy of his touch.

"Do you want some food?" He asked.

The nausea returned to the forefront of my mind, but I was starving. So I didn´t know how to answer him. He chuckled, seeming to know anyway, "Soup is weak enough for you, I think. I´ll go get some. You just rest."

My mouth began to water. I just hoped that it didn´t make me feel worse. I was disheartened when Edward´s fingers left my head and I groaned again.

"Don´t worry," He said, "I´ll be back in 5 minutes."

He disappeared from the room and everything around me suddenly became darker. I heard the stereo start up and some unknown classic music began to play. I smiled. Even in his absence, Edward was always with me in music. I imagined it was him playing the piano, I imagined his flawless fingers dancing over the keys, playing the piano like he was playing on my heart.

I looked around the darkened room. It was the same as I remembered from the first time. Wall to wall music and videos on one side, a wide screen TV by the door, bookshelves filled with books against the glass wall and many books haphazardly strewn on the floor, many pictures and a few souvenirs from his many travels, a few boxes in the corner… The only sign of an average teenager´s room was the baseball gear near the door.

There was so much about him I still probably didn´t know. He had spent a good few decades just learning, in high school and college. While it was a depressing thought that he would never be able to use his knowledge professionally, I had to marvel at how many years of knowledge he must have stored away. How was he able to convince anyone that he belonged in high school with a mind like his? I felt utterly pathetic next to him. I felt like an ignorant child. I bet the world was such a wonderful place when you could live forever. Edward had always told me otherwise, but I wanted to see it all… with him. I wanted to learn about everything, everything that he knew. I, foolish girl, wanted to have it all. What I wanted most of all was something I could never have.

Edward returned to the room with the most delicious smelling soup I could imagine. Nausea all but forgotten, my stomach was anxious for nourishment. To my surprise, he carried with him a tray for the bed and some saltine crackers. But the smile on his face was the most delicious of all. Against my better judgment, I could imagine us as a married couple after a wedding, him serving me breakfast in bed, us spending the day just being with each other.

Too bad a hangover wasn´t in any way romantic. I would have to remember that if I ever did get married.

"Here you are," Edward said, "Chicken Soup with Rice. One of your favorites, if I remember correctly."

"Yeah," I said simply, smelling the soup with particular interest.

I began as soon as it was in front of me, smiling him a thank you. He went back to the same seat. Nibbling on some saltines, I asked, "Are you going to stay here all day?"

"Hey, it´s my room," He joked.

I just rolled my eyes.

He shrugged, "Why not? Someone has to make sure you´re okay."

I was struck by guilt again, that he would have to waste his time on someone like me, someone who wasn´t even his girlfriend anymore. "You don´t have to do that, Edward. I can get Alice to drive me home after this."

"The others are out at the moment. Besides, I don´t know if you really want to face Charlie with a hangover."

I nearly choked, "What am I going to tell him? He´s gonna kill me for not coming home."

"Already taken care of. Alice called and apologized for making you spend the night, and asked if it was okay to bring you home this evening."

Ah, of course. There was no way Charlie could say no to Alice.

"So what am I going to do?"

"I don´t think you are going to want to do much else than sleep."

"Are you sure you don´t mind?"

He seemed surprised at my answer, "Of course I don´t. Why would I?"

I sighed and drank some more soup. "I just hope I´m not taking advantage of your hospitality."

He was silent for a moment, "We are friends… aren´t we?"

My heart skipped a beat. In truth, he would never be just a friend to me, but I could never let him know that. "Yes… Of course." I hoped I sounded more convincing than I thought I did.

My reward was his delicate smile, "Then you can stay here as long as you like, whenever you like. No one here will think badly of it. We want you here. Do you understand?"

I nodded. "Thank you."

"Good, now eat up and then get some sleep. The others just came back so I´m going to see what they´ve been up to."

I wanted very much to talk with them too, but I highly doubt I could handle more than one voice at a time, and as Edward said, all I wanted to do was eat a little and then sleep this hangover away.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**EPOV**

When she was finished with her soup, I took the tray and told her again to go to sleep. She didn´t need to be told twice. I could tell that the headache she had was making her exhausted no matter how much sleep she had gotten the night before. When her breathing evened out I finally felt at ease. There was something so calming about Bella when she slept, as though I was sleeping too. After a lingering glance, I stepped out of my room.

Now I was onto more pressing matters.

Earlier this morning, the family set off to scout the area for signs of Victoria or the Volteri. After what had happened last night, I desperately wanted to go back to the house of the party once Bella was safe on my couch so that I could find out for myself who was responsible, but I was too frightened to leave her side. I was too scared by the thought that she had come so close to being raped, that I had failed her again. Happily, the family insisted they would investigate, wondering if I did that just maybe this could be linked to our enemies.

However, my hopes for information were instantly dashed.

As soon as I encountered them, Carlisle gave me a solemn look. "Sorry, son. We couldn´t find anything."

I grimaced. "Nothing? Not even a scent?"

"We have no way of telling the scent of a rapist, Edward. And there was no scent of a vampire either. All were human."

I was overcome by outrage again and barely kept myself from kicking a nearby chair. I just _had_ to make that bastard pay for even thinking of harming my Bella. There was no way I could let this go unpunished. But how was I supposed to distinguish a human male from any other?

Damn it all to hell…

"Save your anger for Victoria and the Volturi, Edward," Esme said, "They are a far bigger threat to her."

I tried to take her words in stride, but all I could think about was finding this human monster and shredding him, no matter how much of a monster it made me. If I ever got my hands on him, it would be a slow and painful death.

"Any sign of them?" I asked, trying to focus on what was still a threat.

"No," Carlisle said, "They might still be on their way."

"Or they might know that we are protecting her and are looking for a way to get around us undetected." I pointed out.

"That´s impossible. They know we would be able to detect them from miles away, and Forks is such a small town that we would know immediately."

Emmett spoke up, "It is possible that Victoria is with them, if neither of them are choosing to attack now."

"We can´t make that assumption," said Carlisle, "For all we know the Volturi have split up into smaller groups as well."

I rubbed my face in frustration, not even having to think over the odds in my head. "We´re outnumbered. What are we to do with Bella when they get here?"

"That all depends on the situation. Frankly, I think if they come anywhere close, you will probably have to take her and run away from awhile."

I cringed. Now that I was no longer her boyfriend, that would clearly be considered kidnapping, and I highly doubted she would go willingly. On top of that, how would her new boyfriend react to this plan? Surely he would try and stop me, or come after me himself.

"There´s no way. Bella wouldn´t want to go away with me," I ignored the thoughts of Alice telling me that she would love it, "And Jake wouldn´t allow it either."

"What? Is he her keeper? Why do we care what he thinks?" Emmett asked.

"Because, Emmett, he is her boyfriend now, and he happens to hate me. I highly doubt that someone as jealous as he is will be happy with Bella´s vampire ex-boyfriend taking her out of the state for an undetermined period of time."

Rosalie sneered, "We can handle the dog easily."

On a normal occasion, I would have rejoiced at the thoughts going through her head right now. The thought of ripping into the werewolf was nearly as pleasurable as going after her attacker, especially since he lacked the ability to keep an eye on Bella, getting her into this mess in the first place. The only thing that kept me from agreeing with her was Bella´s love. I loved her far too much to deny her the person she loved. If she wanted him, then I wouldn´t dream of killing him. I was considering breaking his jaw for last night, but I would certainly not damage him beyond repair.

"No. For Bella´s sake I don´t want any of you to touch him." I said, wishing I didn´t have to.

"Well can we at least break his legs?" Emmett asked, half joking , half serious.

Ah yes, that thought too was pleasurable… "I´m lucky I didn´t get us in trouble by breaking his collar bone. We´ll be up against Victoria and the Volturi. The last thing we need is to have another run-in with the werewolves."

Esme put a hand on my shoulder, "So what do you propose we do?"

I sighed. "We´ll call on the Denali clan, see if they can come down to help us. Even if only a few of them can help, it´s something. We´ll keep on the lookout. One of us must always be by Bella, just in case they come to close. And when she´s with Jacob…"

My family watched me, waiting for me to finish my answer, but blood seemed to boil in my empty veins as I considered an unthinkable option. But nothing was unthinkable anymore. I couldn´t hold anything back. As long as Bella´s safety was at stake, I couldn´t leave any stone unturned.

I clenched my jaw and finished, hissing through my anger, "I will have to tell Jacob about the vampires."

To be continued…

**Bah… I didn´t like this chapter. I never like Bella´s POV. And too much talking for my taste. I like their thoughts a lot more. Oh well! Tell me if at least you enjoyed it or hated it. I´ll get the next one up as soon as possible. Please keep the reviews coming. They remind me to work. It´s hard to remember amidst all the school work I have on the table.**

**Ciao! xoxoxo**


	15. Ch 15: Compromise

Ch 15: Compromise

**EPOV**

"I´m sorry you have to drive me home." Bella said, after a long moment of silence.

The sun was just setting in the west, and finally Bella´s hangover was gone. It was very doubtful that she would be sleeping tonight.

"It´s no problem. Just try to stay out of trouble for the rest of the night."

I was only half joking. I didn´t want to think of her getting into anymore situations involving alcohol or drugs while there were threats coming at her from all sides. If she knew what was good for her, she would be staying home tonight.

She didn´t disappoint me. "Not a problem. After last night I don´t think I´ll ever go to a party again. I´ll probably just catch up on school work."

I smiled. In spite of her insistence that she was nothing special, I had to admire her academic determination. "Speaking of which, have you decided what college you´re going to?"

She grimaced, gnawing on her bottom lip for a moment, sparking my curiosity, "Not really. I´ve been accepted to a lot of places. A lot of them look good, but I guess it doesn´t really matter."

I was struck with a little twinge of jealousy. She had no idea how easy her life was now. She had all options opened to her. She could be anything she wanted to be. I wondered what she would major in. On the top of my head, I had to guess literature, but who knew what wonderful things she would discover at college. Sure, I had the opportunity for knowledge time and time again, but it was all for nothing. Bella would find her passion, and set off down a path of total fulfillment. That was a joy I would never experience. I would never be able to use my knowledge to its full potential. How I envied the ease of her life.

"Which ones have you been accepted to?"

"Pretty much everything on the west coast… Oregon State, Puget Sound, Portland, Seattle, USC, all of the UCs…"

"Impressive… Though I must say I imagine you would enjoy yourself more in California. Oregon and Washington aren´t known for fantastic weather."

"Like I said, it doesn´t really matter."

"But it would be more like Arizona… Hotter."

"I don´t mind the cold." She said sharply, as if offended.

I was surprised by her offense. My mind went back to the first days of our acquaintance, when she had made it all too clear how dissatisfied she was with the Forks weather. I couldn´t say I blamed her, but it was hard to imagine that she wouldn´t mind it now when she had all but loathed it before.

"That doesn´t sound like you. I thought you hated the cold."

She looked at my pointedly, "So I changed my mind, is that a crime?"

I had to chuckle at her tiger-kitten expression. "Not at all."

As if on cue, raindrops began hitting the car. Regardless of what she had said before, I saw her face turn into a frown. Stubborn as always…

I wondered if she would still cringe away from my cold touch if I reached out to her now…

I gripped the steering wheel tighter. This wasn´t the time to think about touching her, not when I didn´t have that right. Right now I had to focus on keeping her safe. Nothing was more important than that.

Which brought me to probably the most difficult confrontation I had yet to face… Jacob. As we neared her neighborhood I could hear his thoughts. He knew I was coming to bring Bella home. His thoughts were not friendly, but he was fighting to keep his temper under control. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. No matter how much I wanted to tear into him for not keeping an eye on Bella, I had to remain calm if I was going to say what needed to be said.

We pulled into the driveway, and I caught his stare from the porch, having emerged from the front door. I couldn´t contain the growl from escaping my lips.

Bella stared at me pleadingly, distracting me from my loathing, "Please… Don´t fight."

My hands, tensed over the steering wheel, weakened instantly. Her eyes were bright, as though she was about to cry. The all-too-familiar agony of that thought instantly made me lose my desire to attack her boyfriend. I would rather he rip me apart than see her shed a single tear.

He stalked forward, his shoulders pushed upward in a clear display of masculine dominance. He got to the front passenger car door and all but pulled Bella out. My growl returned. That was far too pushy for my tastes. Bella needed to be handled gently.

He placed her behind him and held her there with his arm, protectively. It took all I had not to show him just how angry that made me, that he would dare to try to keep us apart. But I had to remember that it wasn´t my place anymore and if the situation was reversed, if I was still her boyfriend, I probably would have done the same thing.

"Get out of here, leech," he said quickly.

His remark was a little surprising. I knew from his thoughts that he wanted to hurt me just as badly as I wanted to hurt him. Instead of heeding his word, I exited the car and he said even louder, "I said get lost!"

Bella dripped his arm, starring up at him with big doe eyes like she had with me moments before. It was hard for me to understand how he couldn´t be swayed by that face. He didn´t even flinch. I stood my ground, "Jacob, I need to speak with you… alone."

The fearful Bella beside him turned back into the tiger kitten girl I loved, glaring at both of us, "Oh no… Not this again. You two need to stop acting like children and play nice. For goodness sake, I am not some meal for you to fight over."

I had to smirk for a fraction of a second. Technically, she was a meal to me…

"I mean him no harm, Bella," I assured her, "I just want to talk."

From the look on her face it was clear that she didn´t believe me. I didn´t need to read her mind to know that she was thinking about how I attacked Jacob before, breaking his collar bone. I would have been hurt by her assessment if I didn´t want to hurt him as badly as I did. I couldn´t deny that I had that look about me.

Jacob sneered, "Fine… But you´d better leave once you tell me. In fact, you better never come back."

"I´m afraid I can´t do that."

I saw his jaw clench tightly, making the veins on his neck protrude in a grotesque display. Still, I was not afraid of him. Besides knowing that my kind were quite a bit stronger physically, I could overlook nothing when it came to making sure that Bella was safe, even if it would cost me my life.

Jacob turned away from me, pulling Bella along with him, "Then you have nothing to say here."

Charlie´s voice called from the kitchen, "Bella… You have a phone call!"

She looked hesitant, her manners conflicting with the need to keep us from fighting. I nodded to her to go ahead, but said to Jacob, "Stay back, Jacob. I have to say this to you and it can´t wait. It´s important."

Bella tentatively made her way to her house, "Don´t start anything."

"I promise."

A promise was a promise… I would not touch him.

When she shut the door, Jacob crossed his arms and waited for me to speak. I didn´t hesitate. "You and your pack are probably wondering why we are back in town…"

He nodded curtly, "It´s crossed our minds… Are you going to tell me why?"

"Yes…" I just hope he didn´t decide to attack me anyway once I told him. I took a little consolation in the fact that we were in public, meet feet from where Bella and her father stood. "There have been some problems with some other vampires coming into the area."

He turned up his nose, "Puh-lease… There hasn´t been a leech around here since you and your ´family´ left. We would have detected them."

"They aren´t here yet, but they are coming."

"Why?"

I hesitated for a moment. It was hard to admit I was wrong, but so much harder when it was something for which I couldn´t forgive myself. "They are coming for Bella."

His expression was expected, as was the panic in his thoughts, ´_What?´_

"One of the vampires that came after us last year got away, and apparently she told others about Bella, a family that is very powerful and determined to keep our existence a secret. Knowing that a human knows about us, they are coming here to destroy her before she can reveal our identity to the world."

Jacob´s voice was livid. "You know perfectly well that Bella wouldn´t tell anyone!"

"You don´t have to tell me. _I_ know she wouldn´t. _They_ don´t, and they will never take the word of a human."

"You mean to tell me that thanks to you a bunch of blood-suckers are coming after her?!"

I shut my eyes against his conclusion, knowing it was right on the mark. I couldn´t deny that Bella was in mortal danger, once again, because of me, because I was too weak to keep her safe from knowing me. It was foolish for me to have wanted her to know me, to trust me, and in revealing my secret to her I had doomed her. It seemed I was nothing more than a curse to her. By what twisted design was I meant to love the same person I would curse, the same person a part of me always yearned to drain of blood?

Before I opened my eyes again, Jacob had grabbed me and pinned me against the car. I didn't resist. I opened my eyes and stared at him calmly. "Please, Jacob. Bella didn´t want us to fight."

"Screw that! By just being here you are giving her a death sentence, you deserve to die!"

Oh, how easy it would be to die… to free Bella of danger with my death… I would do it in a beat of her precious heart.

"I won´t let them kill her," I said, totally sure of that, "I can promise you that."

"Yeah, a fine promise… from a leech."

"You don´t have to trust my word, but know that I will not be leaving Forks and nor I nor my family will be far from Bella´s side until we do away with these vampires."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Now, it was time to humble myself to probably my worst enemy… Wonderful. "We need your cooperation."

"How´s not killing you for cooperation?" He sneered.

"That´s not what I mean. I mean we are outnumbered. The family themselves are 15, but one vampire, with them but not of the family, is likely creating more newborns . There will probably be many more of them, possibly doubling their numbers, all very ruthless and vicious fighters, and there are only 6 of us. We are calling on our allies to help as well, but even if they help us, we will only have 11 in total. We need the help of the werewolves to make sure that they don´t get close to Bella."

He let go off me and stalked off, trying to keep his temper in check, and glared back at me, "You have a lot of nerve asking for my help."

"Are you saying you won´t help us keep Bella safe?"

"We won´t let anything happen to her! I won´t let them touch her!" The certainly in his voice was staggering, and I had to admire it, but sheer will alone would not save Bella.

"You alone cannot stop 30 some-odd vampires, nor can your pack. You don't even know how to fight vampires." He clenched his fists, his thoughts shifting to what he knew he could do, ripping us apart piece by piece and then burning the pieces. I corrected him, "That´s not what I mean. No matter how strong you are physically, their style of fighting could be totally unexpected for you. You wouldn´t last more than a minute."

"Stop underestimating us." Jacob growled.

"I will not take Bella´s safety likely, and neither should you!" I said, my voice louder than I wanted it to be, but the power of those words could give me the strength to move mountains.

His eyes narrowed, his thoughts shifting to something else, something that made my stomach turn for the first time in a hundred years. "Why do you care about what happens to Bella?"

But the answer was already clear in his mind… He knew. _´You still… like her?´_

He even edited thoughts in his mind, as though the idea of me loving her went against all his beliefs about the monster that I was. He couldn´t fathom a monster like me being in love, and honestly considering what I had done, I couldn´t blame him. After months of running away, I couldn´t deny the truth of my love, "´Like´ isn´t what I would call it, but yes… I do."

At first, his face was filled with horror and panic, oddly even more so than when I told him Bella was in danger. After a few moments, his open mouth twisted into a cocky smirk. "Think again. She´s my girlfriend now. And no way am I going to let you separate us only to break her heart again. Don´t think I´ve forgiven you for all the pain you put her through."

His thoughts hit me hard and fast...

_Bella clutching her arms to her chest, looking as though she wanted to curl up into a ball. __"Why do you do that?" he asked "You do that when you're upset. Why?"_

"_It hurts to think about them" she whispered "It's like I can't breathe…like I'm breaking into pieces…"_

_Bella´s face covered with tears, her eyes bloodshot, looking so lost, looking so cold as she shivered. Her whole body was damp with the rain of the forest. They picked her up and covered her with blankets, and she closed her eyes, whimpering, "He´s gone."_

I wanted to reach through his memories and touch my Bella again. I wanted to grab onto her and never let go, to tell her that I loved her madly and passionately, that everything I did was for her sake and her sake alone. But it was too late for what-ifs. I had brought Bella too much pain for one lifetime. I had brought her into a life of danger and broke her heart, and now, when she ought to be moving on into a happy life with Jacob at her side, here I was again, interfering. Yet the idea of being parted from her ever again was the worst agony I had ever felt, like my skin was spouting fire.

Because I loved her, I knew that the day would arrive when I would have to say goodbye, no matter how much it hurt to do so. Maybe I would find my release from pain… my death by choice… anything to be rid of this. Or maybe I could die at the hands of the Volturi, protecting my love. There were worse ways to go than in the name of love.

I looked at Jacob, defeated, "I won´t interfere with your relationship, Jacob, but I will keep her safe. I got her into this mess, and I´m getting her out of it… by any means necessary."

He scoffed, "How very noble."

"Laugh all you like… Are we in agreement or not?"

He hesitated for a moment, sorting through the pros and cons, considering first that he couldn´t trust me to keep my hands off Bella and then thinking that he couldn´t take any chances with Bella´s safety, even if it did mean siding with us.

"I accept," He said simply, "I´m sure I can convince Sam and the pack. Bella is one of us now, after all."

"Good… My request is that you start by fanning out across town, as we are. If any of them come close, we must be ready. Also, we will eventually have to meet to teach you how vampires fight."

"Fine… But the treaty still stands. No crossing into La Push."

I wanted to protest, fearing that any moment I left Bella´s side was too much, but I couldn´t argue that she would be protected by the werewolves there better than anywhere else. However… "If they appear in your area, you do realize we will have to advance into La Push."

He clenched his teeth, but remained calm, "Very well… but unless that happens you are not to step a foot out of line. Is that understood?"

How strange for someone younger than me to act like he was scolding me, but I tried not to let it get to me. "Understood."

"Okay, well you said what you needed to say. Now get out. I´ll call your crypt if we get any news."

"I will be close by, Jacob. Remember that."

"So will I. And I better not catch you lurking around her house at night."

"If it is necessary to keep her safe-."

He interrupted me, "I will be watching over her. She´s my girlfriend."

"And she´s my friend," I responded, "I´m not saying that I will be following her everywhere. But we have to organize. When you´re not there, I will be, and if not me, one of my family. We can´t leave her alone even for a moment. It´s too dangerous."

"Fine… Well I am here now, so get lost."

I was still hesitant to leave. The laughter of Bella´s voice on the phone kept my feet planted. I never wanted to be parted from that sound. But Jacob´s dangerous eyes broke through to me. As long as he was here, I knew I couldn´t stay. Especially when he knew how I felt about her. I would have to leave… I couldn´t even say goodbye to her.

I grudgingly got into my car and pulled away. I wanted so badly to see Bella´s face one more time, to tell her to take care of herself, to stay at home, but there was nothing I could do. I would keep an eye on her from afar.

Jacob´s eyes kept on me until I had disappeared from his sight, and I let out a sigh. Protecting her wasn´t going to be nearly as easy as her friend. I couldn´t even do all the things I thought were necessary to keep her safe, which including me never leaving her side. But in spite of our relationship rupture, I wasn´t going to let her new boyfriend jeopardize her safety, even if I no longer had a say in her life. I knew this was something I had to do, no matter what I was to her, even if she hated me for it.

Thunder sounded above me again and the rain came down harder. A moment later, my cellphone rang. Ah, just what I needed. A quick distraction from the family. I had neglected them for two long. Perhaps one of them would enjoy a quick hunt on Mt. Olympia.

But I was not prepared for the first words that met my hear, straight from Carlisle´s mouth, "We´ve got her scent, Edward. Victoria´s scent. We´re moving out now."

I nearly broke my phone as I closed it. The engine roared as I pressed the accelerator to the floor. Finally! A lead!

To be continued…

**Okay! Now we will finally get into some action! Stay tuned! The next chapter will be awesome! Please review everyone! I was really late on this one, but the more reviews I get, the more reminders I have to get to work. Sometimes I totally forget the story exists until I get a review. xoxo**


	16. Ch 16: Infected

Ch 16: Infected

**EPOV**

The engine roared beneath me, but it wasn´t nearly fast enough. The promise of finding Victoria at last was nearly driving me to madness. I could not waste even a second.

But before I even neared the house I caught the thoughts of Jasper and Alice. They were running towards me. I didn't even have to slow down as they latched onto my car, pulled the doors open, and crawled inside. Yet another perk of being a vampire. They were soaked in water and splashed with mud and yet I could tell by looking at their eyes that they were just as determined as I was, too concerned about Bella´s safety to care if they got wet and dirty. Not even Alice could care less at a time like this.

"Keep north on the 101. I think she knows we are after her. She has retreated back north. We´ll probably be able to catch up with her in Vancouver."

Vancouver… A mere 100 miles from Forks, in a straight line, that is, but I had no doubt that vampires would have no problems running across the Strait of Georgia and the Strait of Juan de Fuca, even if it meant running a full 40 miles on top of water. The steering wheel creaked under my grip. Only 100 miles away, and she had gotten even closer. The very thought of her being any closer than that made me sick to my stomach. How close had she gotten? I opened my mouth to ask, but then thought better of it. It would only distress me now if I learned how close she had come.

My cell phone rang again. This time it was Carlisle, "We´re up ahead of you. Pull over as soon as you see us. We´ll have to create some kind of plan."

I growled a little. Every second we waited, the more likely it was that Victoria would escape us completely. I couldn´t lose her scent again, and it was raining. Luck was not on our side. "Let´s make it quick."

Within moments, I caught sight of his car and pulled in behind. Not minding the rain, I stepped out to meet him, along with Rosalie and Emmett. But Esme was nowhere to be seen.

"I caught her scent just outside of Port Angeles." Carlisle began. I cringed, no I definitely didn´t need to know that. It was only 50 miles away from Forks. How could she have gotten so close? "But apparently she knows that we have spotted her. She immediately retreated back into Canada."

"So why did you come all the way back here? Why didn´t you follow her?"

"Because, Edward, I don´t feel comfortable having just one us going after Victoria and however many newborns she has, especially considering that Victoria retreated."

Alice cut in, "Rather unusual that she would turn back when she would only have to face you. What is she afraid of?"

"I think it´s rather clear," Jasper responded, "I don´t think she´s retreating at all. I think she is luring us into a trap."

Ah, perfect. So now we were being herded like cattle to the slaughterhouse. Well, trap or not, I wasn´t going to let her live. "What kind of trap, exactly?"

"It´s likely, I suppose, that she would lure us away from Forks so that she could make her way back south, around Seattle, and come into Forks again without ever encountering us."

My liquid hot anger seemed to freeze in my body. So she could be planning to get us away from Bella before she attacked. My immediate instinct was to run back to Bella right away to make sure she was safe. Carlisle saw the look on my face, "Esme is staying behind to protect Bella. She´ll be fine."

Or at least for now, she would be. And that would have to be enough.

"But if that´s not the case," Jasper continued, "She could be using a hunting maneuver, pulling us towards them and then circling around us, ambushing us from all sides."

I could see it clearly in my mind, just as Jasper was picturing it, being surrounded by countless nameless newborn faces. And we were only 6. I cursed myself for not requesting the werewolves' aid earlier. Other than Jacob, they were still totally unaware of the threat and too far away to contact now. We were on our own.

"We´ll need to call Esme, tell her to warn Jacob if Victoria comes closer." I said, panting through my own panic.

"You know she won´t be able to get into La Push."

I smiled bitterly, "Jacob Black made it very clear that he would be staying with her this evening."

My whole family mentally cringed. ´_It´s got to be killing him to let her be alone with that wolf.´_ Emmett thought, his mind switching to what activities Bella might have planned with her new, less dangerous boyfriend.

I growled low in my throat and glared at him. "Keep your thoughts to yourself, Emmett."

He bowed his head apologetically, ´_Sorry.´_

"Okay," Carlisle said, "I´ll make the call. But as for us, we need to figure out how to give chase."

We all turned our attention to Jasper, knowing that he was more capable in battle than any of us. He was running through multiple strategies at once, but everyone had a flaw. I couldn´t handle that. I couldn´t handle the thought that we might fail, and hearing him think about it, it was like we were doomed to fail.

Finally, Jasper voiced his thoughts, "It would be best if we weren´t too far away from each other, but we will have to spread apart somewhat. We´ll have a better chance of keeping track if we go separately."

Rosalie snorted, "Oh, perfect. So I guess once they find one of us ALONE, at least death will be quick, right?"

Carlisle shot her a scolding look, "We won´t be alone, Rose. We can call each other if something happens."

"Sure, I´m bet they´ll just hold off killing us so we can call for reinforcements."

"As much as I hate to admit it," I said, "She has a point. If we are separated there will be no chance to regroup before someone gets hurt."

"Right now, the scent is still traceable. The closer we get, the fresher it will smell. Once they know we are closing in, my guess is that they will disperse and attempt to surround us."

"Couldn´t they be trying to separate us themselves so they can take us down one by one?"

"Not likely. If Victoria has acquired a pack of newborns, they will be very poorly coordinated. Even they know they wouldn´t have any hope going up against us one on one." Jasper said, "No… I will bet they are planning to attack us as a unit, from all sides. If we have any hope, we will have to separate."

"What about Victoria?" asked Alice, "She´s not a newborn. What about her?"

"It is only her scent we are following now, but as we get closer we will be able to detect the scents of the newborns as well, especially when they branch off. It would be best if we avoided Victoria until the newborns are disposed of, which shouldn´t take too long, and then pursue Victoria together. She will be a more experienced fighter and therefore harder to handle"

I clenched my teeth. I wasn´t sure I could just delay going after Victoria. Newborns were dangerous enough, but Victoria only had one human victim in mind, the most important human in the world. Would I really be able to pick off her little minions one by one as she continued to breathe?

I thought it best not to speak my thoughts. I would know what to do when the time came, but I just hoped it didn´t have to come to that.

"And if Victoria comes back here?"

Carlisle put a hand on my shoulder, which under normal circumstances would have comforted me, "Esme is waiting for news. Victoria is fast but she won´t be able to make it all the way back to Forks before we figure it out. If she does turn around, we will call Esme and she will simply escape with Bella."

I cringed. I had hoped Bella would never come to know of the imminent danger she was in, but perhaps I didn´t have that choice. I could imagine how frightened she would be. I remembered how it was when we were on the run before, or at least I did just before we had parted. Leaving her behind to go chase down James was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. The same fear consumed me now, that every second I was apart from her meant she was in danger. How odd. Any other day I knew that I was the most dangerous being in her life, but being away from her, exposing her to other vampires, that somehow terrified me even more.

I could only hope she didn´t come to hate me for interfering with her life, yet again.

"Alright, let´s move out. We should have them within a few hours." Jasper concluded.

In an instant we were back in our cars. ´_Just a few more hours_,´ I chanted to myself. Just a few more hours and I would have that vile woman in my clutches, and this time, she would not get away. Even if I ended up as nothing more than a flaming pile of ash, I would destroy Victoria.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The water felt like rock under my feet, but it still soaked my entire body. And 40 miles on water, although easily doable by a vampire, was not exactly without it´s complications. It wasn´t enough that we couldn´t be seen and had no way to hide ourselves from any passing ferry boats. The rain didn´t help much. It made the surface of the water uneven. I had almost tripped twenty times. Happily, no boaters were out in this weather, and there was a small stretch of land between the two straights, so at least we got a small break from the water. But every step made me more determined.

The little city we passed through on that little stretch of land was called Victoria.

It frustrated me to no end that I was the fastest runner, yet had to slow down in order to stay with my family. While I knew they were running as fast as they could, knowing that I had the capacity to get to Victoria faster drove me to fury. But I didn´t have time to yell at them.

As I ran again over the surface of water, I imagined Bella by my side, or rather, on my back. I imagined what it felt like to hold her in my arms, the weightlessness of her body, the softness of her skin. I imagined what it would be like if my running didn´t scare her, but rather delighted her. I thought she might laugh if she was here with me now, running on top of the water, the mist spraying into her face. The sound of her laughter was the only thing that could calm me now, that could keep me sane. I could only hope that I would hear that sound again, feel that skin again.

If I died today, what would become of Bella? Would she be sad at my parting from this world? Would she mourn me? It was selfish of me to think so, but my heart hoped that I at least meant that much to her, and yet at the same time never wanted her to shed a tear for me. I couldn´t stand it if she grieved for me if I couldn´t make her pain go away. That was another thing… There wouldn´t be an afterlife. Not even my ghost could linger on to watch over her, to protect her. Who would keep her safe? Jacob? I doubted he could after last night. But clearly someone had to, and who better than her own boyfriend? If only I had had the time to instill in him all the things that Bella needed. Did Jacob understand how fragile she was if he was so willing to take her out on motorcycles? If only I could convince him to handle her delicately, to watch out for her, because there was not a single being on the planet that courted danger like Bella did.

But the time was too late. Whether my death came tonight or centuries from now, Victoria´s would be within the hour. If I too only had mere moments left of life, they were not enough for me to express all that I needed to.

Bella… I would need to say something to her too. But how could I? What would confessing my undying love do for her now? It would probably make her very uncomfortable, as though I was expecting her to love me in return. Yet she needed to know, somehow. I couldn´t manage passing on without her knowing the truth. If only I had the time, perhaps I would write her a letter and have a family member deliver it to her. Well, if we encountered any delays, I knew how best to occupy my time and frustrations.

Twenty minutes later we arrived in Vancouver, and immediately found Victoria´s scent. Unfortunately, the rain made the scent weaker, but the downpour had stopped, so the scent would become even stronger the closer we got. She was still heading north. By now we could faintly pick up the scents of other vampires, both we would not be able to tell how new the newborns were until we were nearly upon them. I could only hope that they had not had the time to prepare themselves for battle. I didn´t know if I could bare it if one of my family members died today.

But I knew I couldn´t concern myself with the state of my family, no matter how much I loved them. My top priority was Bella and keeping her safe required all of my focus. As we came out of the city and into the vast wilderness of Canada, the rain stopped. Finally, a stroke of luck. Now finding them would be twice as easy.

But we had barely advanced more than 5 miles when Jasper instructed us to stop. I growled in frustration, but kept my temper in check. I knew blowing up at him would do nothing. "What is it?" I said sharply.

"Just as I predicted, they have split up. They could be preparing to surround us as we speak."

"What if this isn´t their plan?" asked Alice, "What if they really want to separate us?"

"That is always a possibility, but the likelihood that we would have any problems with a few newborns at a time would be slim. The only real danger is having dozens of them coming at us all at once."

I could only hope that I ran into Victoria first. "So what´s our next move?"

"Everyone take off and follow a different set. Keep your cell phones on hand. The closer you get, the more distinct the scents will become. You´ll be able to tell how many, and how old they are. If you have any reason to believe that it is too much for you to handle, call for reinforcements."

Emmett grinned, his teeth flashing wickedly even in shadow, "Divide and conquer, then."

He always did love a good fight. I had to stake my claim, "If you find Victoria, let me know as well. I have to be there to finish her off."

"If any of us find Victoria, we will have to pull back right away until we regroup. Victoria´s battle experience is unknown to me. I have no way of knowing if only one of us could handle her. I urge you all to sound in the call as soon as she is detected." Jasper instructed, "Okay… Move out."

For a moment, everyone paused and looked at each other. There was a kind of silent loving connection in everyone´s minds. The bond that defined us as a family. The two couples with us looked at each other with longing eyes, begging their spouses to be careful, thinking they might die if something happened to the others. The other two stood alone, their hearts suddenly miles away in Forks, sending away their spirit on the southern bound wind to guard their soul mates.

And then I could wait no longer. I was the first to break away, and I ran with all my might in the direction of the first scent I could track. In spite of my vampire sight, as I flew past the trees, I might as well have been human. Everything around me was just a blur. I couldn´t even focus in on the tiniest speck of dust. I only knew to keep moving forward towards that scent.

The scent changed direction multiple times. No doubt they discovered they were being followed. I had no idea what they would do to put the odds in their favor, but whatever they did mattered little to me now. Even if they brought me to Victoria, I would not back down. No matter what Jasper advised, there was no way I could retreat when she was within my reach. If I found a way to contact my family, all the better, but I would rather die than let her get away.

Suddenly, I came to a clearing, a meadow, and I came to a stop. The scent had changed, or rather whoever I had been chasing had clearly joined up with some help, and I could detect at least 4 distinct scents, all foreign. I swore under my breath. None of them were Victoria, and I was out-numbered.

Before I could reach for my phone to call the others, it buzzed in my pocket. I put the phone to my ear, having barely glanced at the name. "Jasper, I-."

"Turn back now, Edward!" Jasper screamed into the phone.

In surprise I cringed at the volume of his voice. "What´s going on?"

He screamed again, "Fall back!"

Over the phone I had no way of reading his mind, so I growled, "You´d better have a damn good reason."

"They aren´t newborns! Do you hear me, Edward? They are not newborns!"

I could barely process his panic, but the words were a shock nonetheless. "What?"

"We´re coming for you! Turn back now!" Was all I heard before I heard the phone click.

I kept the phone to my ear even as the dial tone rang out. What did he mean ´not newborns´? If not newborns then who was Victoria with?

My heart knew the answer before my mind did, and it shook with terror. There was only one vampire family out there that had made their interest in Bella known…

Fear, so white hot it might have burned away the interior of my ice cold body, shot up my spine, as I heard the leaves rustle behind me, and there wasn´t a breeze on the wind. Though I had no need for breath, I found myself gasping for breath, the sound flooding my ears as though it were water. Moments later, I could hear their approach, the soft ominous crackle of leaves against shoes. I was indeed being ambushed, but alone, and by the most dangerous family in vampire history, with more power than I could ever hope to come up against.

Bella´s face flashed in my mind. How… How could I save her? The Volturi were here and they were coming for her, and I was being lured to them… for the kill? I couldn´t know what they wanted with me.

"Edward, I am delighted to finally meet you, though I had hoped the circumstances would be considerably more… pleasant." I recognized Aro´s voice from Carlisle´s memories, the same voice that sounded friendly and yet menacing at the same time. There was a quiet calm about him that was terrifying, even his soft voice sent shivers through me. "I do hope you received my letter."

I turned to face him. There were 5 others beside them, some of the faces I didn´t recognize. The little one could only be Jane. The one with the sinister face, Felix, maybe.

I did the only thing I could think of in a moment like this. "Please… I beg of you to go back."

Aro´s smile faltered in disappointment. "You know that divulging our secret to the humans is a matter of great importance, Edward. This is the only way to keep ourselves alive and well. Would you rather burn in the fire of the humans just as they did centuries ago?"

"She won´t tell a thing. I know her. She would never…"

"Humans are fickle creatures. Even if she did not intend to, it would be difficult to keep such knowledge a secret forever. We already have enough problems on our hands with keeping humans at bay. We don´t need them interfering with our existence."

"But not her!" I shouted, then my voice became a weak whisper, "Please…"

Jane snorted, "He is in love with the human girl. How odd."

Aro regarded her for a moment, and then smiled at me again. "Well then perhaps there is a way around this. Simply turn her into a vampire and we shall be on our way."

My heart, lifting for a brief moment, suddenly dropped to the very bottom of my stomach. Now, of all times, when Bella no longer loved me. Now that she was moving on with her human life, being happy, being normal… Now they had to request this of me?

With every inch of me, I could not deny that I yearned to be with Bella forever, with her flesh as cold as mine but strong enough for me to hold her tightly without breaking her. And it all seemed so easy now. I knew I loved her too much to kill her myself. Thinking she had died before had made the very thought of the taste of her blood repulsive to me. The burn remained, but I knew that the taste would not hold me captive. All I had to do was sink my teeth into her neck for one brief perfect moment and she would be with me forever. The simplicity behind the plan was sickeningly sweet.

And yet I thought of all she would leave behind. Her father, her mother, Phil, her friends, her new boyfriend, her whole future… Now that I was out of her life, all that was in her reach again. She could have a perfect human life. She could grow up, get married, have children, watch them grow up and get married… When she wasn´t mine, how could I force her into this life of constant thirst and hiding? How could I destroy her soul?

My eyes burned with unshed tears as I shook my head, "I can´t… She… isn´t mine anymore."

Aro didn´t seem surprised at my reaction. "You see, Edward. Humans are so fickle. How easily they fall in and out of love. Do not concern yourself with what should be your food."

I remembered what it felt like that day when I held Bella´s broken body in my arms, when I thought I had lost her to James. I had held her like glass in my hands, trying not to shake in agony, trying not to jostle her. I was so certain that I had been too late. And then sucking the venom from her wound, my mind becoming hazy with the frenzy of a feast, all the time screaming inside that I was killing her. The thought of her dead was the only thing that let me stop.

"No… NO! You can´t kill her!" My sight turned red. "Leave her alone!"

Aro sighed, "I hate to do this, Edward. I really do. I know Carlisle will be most unhappy with me, but I have the entire vampire race to think about. I hope you can come to forgive me."

"Like hell I will!" I shouted, flashing my teeth and tensing every muscle in my body.

I crouched down, prepared to take down any one of them that even dared to get past me. "I´ll kill you all," I whispered, wishing I couldn´t more convincing than I felt.

Felix scoffed, "That´s rich. You really think you can take down all of us?"

"I have to. You won´t lay a finger on Bella. I´ll die first."

Jane smiled, "We have something even better in mind." She snapped her fingers.

The three others rushed at me, and all thought ceased in my mind. There was only pure instinct. All I could feel was that I was about to be ripped to pieces, and my beloved Bella was in grave danger if I didn´t do something. If I could take down as many of them as I could before I died, maybe the rest of my family had a chance with the rest. I had no other choice.

I charged towards them, crashing against one of them like thunder. He gnashed his teeth at me and I could see the venom dripping from his mouth. His eyes were dark and hungry. Though a bite out of me wouldn´t erase his hunger or his fury, I knew it would hurt me tremendously, possibly immobilize me until he could finish me off… and I could do the same to him. Desperately I reached my teeth towards his jugular, but was a few inches off, and the closer I got to his neck the closer he got to mine.

So I flung him off of me as hard as I could, but within a millisecond another grabbed me from behind. I didn´t have time to react before he sank his sharp teeth into my shoulder. I held in my scream and struggled against him. His venom burned and stunned me. Another took me by the arm and pulled me down.

"No!" I screamed, pushing at them with all of my strength, but they wouldn´t budge. "No! No! NO!"

A hand was at my throat, pinning my head into the ground. I felt the hard dirt reshape itself to the form of my head. I tried biting at the unknown hand, but it was under my chin and just out of reach. I kicked my feet like a child having a tantrum. I heaved myself back and forth… Anything I could to get them to loosen their hold on me. Another form hovered over me and held me down by the chest. I focused on Jane´s evil smirking face and overwhelming dread came over me. I knew that at any moment, they would sever my head from my body and start burning me piece by piece.

"Bella!" my heart cried out suddenly, the sound echoing off the trees and mountains.

I felt the ripping, but it was in my chest. Good god, were they planning to rip me apart there too? But my eyes shot open as heat enveloped me, and I saw there was no wound on me, but a long syringe imbedded right into my heart. But how! There was nothing stronger than our skin. How could it penetrate?

I didn´t have time to consider. My body erupted in flames and agony and I screamed as loud as my voice would let me. My first thought was how it felt during my transformation, but this was so very different. It didn´t just feel like I was on fire, it felt like my skin was melting, as though acid was eating away at me. The three bodies jumped away from me and yet I could not do anything but writhe. What the hell had they done to me?

I rolled over and grasped the ground, needing any release of tensin, but found none. I could see that I was touching it but my fingers could not grasp a thing. I cried out, clutching my chest, or trying to, as I burned and melted away.

I heard voices… yelling. I heard movement, but nothing else. My own screams blocked out anything else. Never had I known this kind of pain, not even when I had become a vampire. Within moments I was begging for death. "KILL ME!!!"

But I did not die, as I wished. The pain continued, intensified, melted away even my mind so that even thinking was physically excruciating, so powerful I could no longer see. Arms grabbed me again, but could not hold onto me. I tried to push myself away from them. I grasped at the ground again, planning to drag myself away if need be. What more torture had they planned for me?

Bella…

I couldn´t die… not yet. I choked out a sob as her face came to me again, only now my mind was getting dizzy, my fingers numb. Was I dying? Not now, not when Bella needed me more than ever. I couldn't die while her life was still in danger. I hadn´t even killed one of them. Bella…

"Edward! Edward!" I heard her calling me.

The voice was strange to me, it was panicked, and higher than usual. Still it was beautiful to me. How could I leave her now? I hadn´t even gotten the chance to write a letter to her, letting her know that I loved her. I couldn´t die without doing that. She had to know that I loved her. My entire existence meant nothing if she didn´t know that.

I cried hard and out loud, not only from the pain in my body but the pain in my heart, and then my body grew weak. The pain still ate at me, but my strength was suddenly disappearing. This must be what dying felt like. But this was no peaceful death. Bella´s terrified face was before me. Bella was in danger. Bella didn´t know how much I loved her. There couldn´t be a hell that awaited me that was worse than this. To leave her behind. Would I see her again, when she died? Would the devil grant me passage to the heavens for just a moment so I could hold her in my arms again and tell her the truth? Would I see her smile again?

Bella…

For the first time in over 80 years, my mind shut down and I felt no more.

To be continued…

**I received a lot of private messages from people worrying that I had abandoned the story. I am so sorry for the long wait. I am in grad school during the final weeks of my first year and naturally every big project is due within the next few weeks so I am scrambling to get everything done. Happily, once all that is done with, I have the summer, so there will be lots and lots of time to update. **

**I didn´t like this chapter as much as I thought I would. I´m not so much for the action scenes. Describing them is very hard for me. I miss the mushy stuff! Well, we have reached a major turning point in the story. Now the story can really take off! **

**Thanks to everyone for all your patience and for sticking with me! Take care of yourselves and stay tuned. Your messages really helped remind me to get this chapter done today so please continue to remind me and pressure me to work hard. I probably won´t have the next chapter in for another 2 weeks, but the sooner the better!**

**xoxo**


	17. Ch 17: Blue Hour

Ch 17: Blue Hour

**BPOV**

I watched them from inside, barely able to focus on Angela´s innocent gossip. It was hard to care about the relationship problems of humans when I had a past and present relationship with both a werewolf and a vampire, and the two of them were just itching to fight again. I could only pray that they listened to me, but I knew from experience that my warnings usually amounted to nothing. Just like with humans, the desire of men to show masculine dominance was insurmountable. I nearly dropped the phone when I saw Jacob grab at Edward, but they didn´t seem to be attacking each other so I didn´t go outside just yet. Still, I kept close watch.

But my heart plummeted into my chest when I saw Edward get into his car and leave. He didn´t even come in to say goodbye. I was weakened by the bitterness spreading through my own heart at the thought of his rude departure. I knew it could only be to appease Jacob, as were my wishes, but to this day, parting with him left my bones feeling frailer than ever. He disappeared behind the trees, taking my heart with him wherever he went, leaving me with a very chatty Angela over the phone and a very disgruntled Jacob on my doorstep.

Once Angela finished catching me up on who was dating who, I had my own boyfriend problems to handle. I found some comfort in the fact that Charlie was nearby. I knew Jacob wouldn´t let himself get carried away with his temper when my father was around.

Still I couldn´t help but be fearful. As I stepped out onto the porch, I looked at his pensive face, staring off into the distance where Edward had disappeared. He didn´t just look angry, he looked downright disappointed. No matter what the reasons were, I couldn´t bear to see him upset. My bond with Jacob was so very special, and I didn´t know if there was anything I wouldn´t do to make him smile. He gave me reason when I had lost all reason, a flame of light in total darkness. He alone kept me from falling to pieces.

"Jake…" I started, not really knowing what to say. If only I knew how to ease his mind.

He didn´t say anything, and that made me anxious. He wasn´t the type to be quiet like this. I sat next to him on the steps and tentatively wrapped my arm around his. He didn´t flinch. "Please…" I begged in a whisper, "Don´t be mad at me."

"Are you seeing him again?" He asked simply, his tone disturbingly calm.

"No… Of course not."

"Then why were you with him? At his house, no less."

I felt like my blood was freezing and I hugged his warm body closer to mind. "I don´t really remember what happened last night, but I know that he took me to his house so I could get over one hell of a hangover."

"And you´re honestly going to tell me he didn´t try anything?"

Edward was first and foremost a gentleman. Even Jacob should know that. "Of course not. I think he was just worried about me. I was really out of it… Though I don´t really remember much of what happened the night before. Where did you go?"

He clenched his hands together and rested his chin upon them. He closed his eyes and appeared to be praying for a few seconds. "And that´s where I failed you, I suppose."

"Don´t say that. I´m the one who should have been watching how much I was drinking."

"It wasn´t that you were drinking a lot, Bella. Someone drugged you!" He was fighting to keep his temper in check, I could tell. He glanced back at the house, being mindful that Charlie was inside. "I should have been watching out for you. I shouldn´t have let you out of my sight."

I rolled my eyes, why was it that the men in my life always seemed to expect the impossible from themselves? "And what? Follow me into the bathroom? You can´t go everywhere I go, Jacob. I have to be able to take care of myself."

"Even so, it was your first time and I should have been keeping an eye on you. I should have noticed that you had put your drink down and came back for it later. I should have known that someone would have tried something. It was a damn high school party, for crying out loud!"

I hated seeing him like this. It was enough to see him angry, but I couldn´t bear to see him sad, or to have him blame himself for something completely out of his control. I laid my cheek against his shoulder. "Please… Don´t blame yourself. I´m alright and it won´t happen again. I know better now. Trust me, I don´t think I´ll be drinking again for quite some time."

I felt his arm slip out of my grasp, only to feel it wrap around my shoulder and pull me closer to him. For a good minute, we were silent. I could hear the crickets begin to chirp, though it wasn´t even dusk. I shut my eyes and listened to them, basking in the warmth of my Jacob´s embrace. Nothing could quite compare with the feeling of his arms around me, this feeling of total security. I knew of another pair of arms that made me feel even better, but I didn´t dwell on that memory. These arms were warm and inviting, wanting me. To be wanted by him made me feel invincible.

He spoke again, "So you´re not seeing him again?"

I shook my head and sighed. If only it was enough for me to say no and move on myself. "No, Jacob. Our relationship is long over. You know that."

"I know… I just… Sometimes I worry that you´re going to change your mind about me and go back to him. You´re always around him anyways. It seems weird to me. How many guys hang out with their ex-girlfriends?"

I smirked dryly, "I don´t know, but he isn´t exactly normal… Neither are you."

"No matter what the species, I am pretty sure the concept still holds. You don´t see Sam and Leah being all buddy-buddy and he´s a werewolf."

"Well, I don´t know then, Jake. All I know is that he wants to be friends and I am willing. Plus, he is apparently protecting me from another vampire. He feels guilty about it, I guess."

He clutched me tighter, uncomfortably so. "Jake?"

"I don´t think it´s just that. I think he is just plotting to take you back." I shut my eyes against his words, because as impossible as they were I wanted them to be true more than anything. "Anyways, I can´t believe it… You aren´t even together anymore and he´s still putting your life in danger. How can you even want to be friends with him?"

I tried to chalk up the bitterness in his voice to jealousy, but it was so fierce I couldn´t stomach up a good enough excuse that would convince him of anything. The memory of Victoria burned my mind. The thought of facing her again terrified me, though nothing was more terrifying than the thought of Jacob or Edward getting hurt defending me from her.

"It was someone we met when we were still together. I don´t know if I ever told you about this." I said, implying that I was asking him.

"No."

"When I was out with Edward and his family, some nomad vampires came by. We never even saw them coming. They weren´t the kind that drink the blood of animals, so when they realized I was a human, obviously their first thought was to kill me." I knew I said it so casually, and Jacob tensed against me. "Well, Edward defended me and we ran off, but one of them hunted us down. I stupidly ran away from the others, and he almost killed me, but the Cullens saved me just in time. That was why I was in a cast at the end of the last school year."

Jacob shook his head, "And here I just assumed you were being clumsy again."

I smirked dryly, "Edward killed the one who came after me, but now Victoria, his… mate, I guess… is after me. Since Edward killed James, Victoria will kill me in revenge."

Jacob sneered, "Well if he´s the cause of all this mess then maybe she should just kill him."

I sucked in a harsh breath, not able to hide it in time, and Jacob turned his glare on me, suddenly angry with me. "So you _do_ care!"

I was still reeling from the thought of Edward… dead. Even if it was just a scenario, I couldn´t imagine a world where Edward didn´t exist. Maybe I could have before I knew what it was like to be loved by him, but once he touched my heart I knew I would never be whole without him in my life. To have him out of my reach, out of this world, would feel like I was burning from the inside out. Already, the months being far away from me had left me a mere shadow of what I was before. But he had to exist. Even if I never saw him again, there could be no world if he didn´t exist.

Jacob took my silence badly and stood up, moving away from me. I stumbled to correct him. "Well, No… I mean, yes, of course I still care. I don´t want him to die, Jake."

"Why not?" He asked, like it was so simple.

I could only stare at him in horror. "How can you say that? No matter how much you dislike him, to wish that a person would die… That´s horrible, Jake!"

He crossed his arms and peered down at me through unforgiving eyes, "No, horrible is putting your life in danger every step of the way, dumping you and abandoning you in the forest to freeze to death, then coming back and following you around and still expecting to be your friend."

I bit my lip to fight back tears. My relationship with Edward, as miniscule as it was, couldn´t be anything close to horrible. It was more than I deserved, the best thing I had left. "That´s not fair, Jake."

Jacob´s steel gaze froze me in place, made me feel so little and insignificant. "Don´t talk to me about what is fair and what isn´t. You have no idea what unfair feels like."

The wind whistled past my hair, and I was suddenly aware that my cheeks were wet. I was ashamed. I didn´t want to be weak in front of him. Back when we were just friends, I never felt this weak in front of him. I felt like I was his equal, his partner in crime. Not even Edward made me feel like I was powerful in my own right. The simple fact that he was perfect was always lingering in my mind, and besides that, Edward was never very good at letting me take care of myself, being the obsessive mother hen that he is. The Jake I knew and loved was a man who made me feel carefree and strong, made me feel like I was more than just a pathetic clumsy human girl. What was happening to us?

"I´m going," he said suddenly, and my heart all but lurched out of my chest.

I couldn´t even move until he got to his motorcycle, but the sound of the motor starting snapped me out of my shock. Before I knew it, I was at my feet and running towards him. As he kicked the foot-stand away, I ran up behind him and wrapped my arms around his middle, pressing my face hard into his back.

"Please! Please don´t leave me! I´m sorry, just please don´t be angry with me."

Words could not explain the desperation I felt. Somehow, I knew deep inside that if I let go of him now I would lose him forever. I couldn´t bear that. My heart was already in pieces. There would be nothing left of me if I lost him.

"What do you expect me to do, Bella? Apparently you don´t give a shit about me so I´m not going to waste my time."

I sobbed against him. "I do care about you, Jake. You know I do."

"If you cared about me in the slightest, you wouldn´t expect me to turn the other cheek when you are hanging around those bastards. It´s like you are cheating on me right in front of my face."

He never would know how much it hurt me to hear him say that about me, like I was really that kind of person. Did he really have so little faith in me? At that moment I wanted just to yell at him, but I was too afraid that I would scare him off for good. I shook my head frantically. "I wouldn´t! I won´t! There is nothing between Edward and me anymore. I promise you!"

"How can I trust that?"

I came to stand in front of him and stared into his eyes pleadingly. "You trust me, don´t you? You always trusted me before all of this. Nothing has changed, Jacob. I haven´t changed. I told you that I would give our relationship a try and I meant it. Please… Don´t turn away from me. You´re all I have left."

Finally he returned my gaze. His face was still angry, but the fury seemed to be gone from his face.

"You have to promise me that you will never see him again."

I gulped. "You know that isn´t possible, Jacob."

"It is if you still want me around."

Why did he have to make this about him? "But we go to school together. We are lab partners. Of course I am going to see him."

"School is fine, but otherwise I don´t want you anywhere near him. If he needs to fight off this Victoria woman, that´s his choice but he can keep a lookout from a distance. All I know is that I won´t stand to have him looming over you like some crazed stalker."

Oh God, how I had feared this. Edward was the love of my life, but he wasn´t mine anymore. I had Jake now. If I was to choose between the two, what was I supposed to do? How could I stay away from the person who meant more to me than life itself for the sake of keeping the only man who kept me from falling apart?

But Jake´s gaze was firm and unmoving. I knew I couldn´t change his mind on the matter, and if I so much as tried he would yell at me, or worse, leave me. And at least I would be able to see Edward at school. It wasn´t like I would never see him at all.

I had no choice. "Okay… Whatever you want."

He smiled, but it didn´t fill me with joy like it usually did. Instead it filled me with dread. And when he kissed me deep, pulling my body tightly against his, my stomach turned and my skin hardened. What had I just gotten myself into?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Twilight.

Edward once said it was the safest time of day for vampires. I often wondered why that was. With the sun gone, I imagined they would be safe the whole night through. Why twilight?

I stared onto the road as Jacob´s motorcycle disappeared behind the trees, in the same direction Edward had gone a few hours before. At least Jacob had given me a proper goodbye. In fact, he had stayed for dinner with Charlie and me, and didn´t leave my side even when I just spent the whole time doing homework. I had a feeling he was still wary about leaving me alone.

I sighed. Looks like I had a lot of trust to rebuild between us.

The sky was such a pretty blue tonight. Forks was so small that no lights were bright enough to disrupt the delicate color of the sky. It was the kind of color that made you feel peaceful. Photographers referred to it as the Blue Hour.

I felt no peace tonight. My mind and heart were in shambles. What was I going to say the next time I saw Edward? My boyfriend doesn´t like you, so I´m not going to be your friend anymore? No, I didn´t like that. He would always be my friend no matter how far apart we are. No matter what he felt about me, he would always be far more than a friend. But I didn´t want to see a look of betrayal on his face. I didn´t want him to think for a moment that I didn´t want to be friends with him. Would he understand? Would he know why I had to do this? Surely, he had no reason to question the relationships of his ex-girlfriend.

I had rested for a good portion of the day, but I was still exhausted. The blood red color that just barely touched the horizon was almost gone now. I crawled into bed and stared at the sky until it slowly faded to black, and my eyes began to droop. Before I drifted off, I wanted nothing more than to see Edward coming through my window once more.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_The sun was shining and warm, and the grass tickled my cold skin. I didn´t care that I was exposed to the elements as I clutched the tender hand beside me. I turned and smiled at my one true love, overcome by the beauty, the softness, and the light._

_I was untouchable today. It didn´t matter that we were different. It didn´t matter that one of us was ages older than the other, though immortal and bound to the same age for ever. It didn´t matter that one of us was clumsy and plain, and the other graceful and god-like. It didn´t matter that we had and would continue to have to overcome the impossible to be with each other. The day was ours and if I had anything to say about it, today would last forever._

_I kissed my true love´s waving brown hair and inhaled its sweet smell, shutting my eyes to keep the happiness from overflowing. I never knew there could be joy like this. I didn´t know my human body had the room for this kind of emotion._

_We gazed at the sun streaming through the trees, haloing all the leaves in a heavenly light. I could see butterflies, bugs, and bees fluttering about, looking about just as merry as I felt. _

_My eternal companion giggled, making the side of my body vibrate. "What are you thinking?"_

_I smiled and answered, my voice almost groggy, "I was thinking that it´s so beautiful out today, and that there was no one else on the planet luckier than I am right now."_

_A kiss to my lips silenced me, but it left me flying. "Except the one right next to you."_

"_I don´t think so," I said stubbornly._

_Our hands touched each others´ bodies wherever we could, reveling in the feel of smooth flesh. If we really were like the predator stalking the prey, I was certainly taking my time. I could spend an eternity just running my fingers along this skin, tasting it with my lips and tongue. _

"_Do we have to go back today?"_

"_Not if you don´t want to. I know I don´t. Let´s just stay out here until the sun goes down. Until twilight."_

"_It will be too dark to see by then."_

"_Not for me." _

"_Edward…"_

"_Hm?"_

"_I love you."_

_Another tender and time-stopping kiss, as immortal as the vampire race itself. Our arms wrapped around each other and we held tight, needing each other more than air or water or blood. "I love you too, my Bella. Forever, I love you."_

_When twilight came, we were finally safe._

To be continued…

**HAHAHA! I´ll bet you´re wondering what that little thing was at the end. Well, it shall be explained very shortly. Never fear. **

**So this is probably a good time to point out why Jacob is the way he is in my story. Throughout New Moon and especially Eclipse, we saw (or at least I saw) that Jacob tried to get his way by guilt-tripping or playing mind games with Bella. I´m kinda going on that right now, in case anyone is wondering what he is playing at. At the same time, Bella is FAR too dependent on having a boyfriend around, and thinks she is alone even though everyone in the whole freakin´ town adores her. So here you have Jacob and Bella´s unhealthy relationship based on stupid desperation and mind games. Should be fun… Grrr!**

**Wow, this chapter took forever! Thankfully summer is almost here for me so i´ll have a lot more time. I had to catch up on another story too, so I´ll definitely need all the support and reminders I can get, please! Review and let me know what´s **


	18. Ch 18: Ungrateful Bitch

Ch 18: Ungrateful Bitch

**EPOV**

_The sound of thunder gave way to rain. Not a downpour, but even rain that when it hit the roof and windows it turned into a lovely percussion, flowing with the sound of thunder like the wild beating of a drum. We lay in a hammock just on the porch, though this porch was unfamiliar to me. It certainly wasn´t my house, we didn´t have a porch. In spite of the unfamiliar surroundings, I was overcome with a sense of peace. My true love had tangled her arms and legs with mine, and we just listened to the sounds all around us. The cold was not a bother, since we covered ourselves with a blanket. No words were spoken, for there was no need. We stared into each other´s eyes for what must have been hours, reveling in the love reflected there, more at peace than any other time we could remember._

_The peace was disrupted by the sound of someone calling my name, a woman´s voice. Rather, she was screaming my name at the top of her lungs. I cringed at the sound. And suddenly, the world was rushing away from me, as though I had fallen through the earth._

"Edward!" She cried again, her voice seemingly in agony, and though the voice was strange to me, the sound of pain tugged at my heart.

She shook me and my eyes flew open. Esme looked down on me, her face wild and frantic, but as soon as my eyes lined up with hers, she sobbed and hugged me close to her. Her embrace even hurt a little. My mind was numb and dizzy. It took me a few moments to focus in on the room. I saw that the rest of my family was hovered around me. Then I saw we were in my room back at the house. How had we gotten here?

Why was I lying in a bed?

"Oh, Edward, thank God! I was so scared!"

She pressed a kiss to my forehead and let me sit up. I looked back at the bed and then at my family. "What´s going on? What happened?"

I tried to get up, but Carlisle put his hands on my shoulders and kept me from moving. "Stay down, son. We still don´t know what to make of this."

Alice spoke up, "The Volturi attacked you. We´re not sure what they did, but you were screaming and writhing in pain when we found you."

I remembered now, the Volturi members holding me down, and that needle being stuck into my chest… After that, blinding pain, and nothing else.

But this didn´t make sense. Just moments ago I was with Bella in a hammock somewhere, and before that in our meadow… But no, that didn´t make sense either. Bella and I weren´t dating anymore. I definitely would have remembered if we had somehow reconciled, but there was nothing.

Carlisle saw the confusion on my face, and in his thoughts he was struggling to say something in a way that wouldn´t make me panic. Why? What was there to panic about? I mean other than the fact that I had somehow been with Bella in between being attacked by the Volturi and ending up here.

He ran his hand through his hair, an odd human thing to do since we were not in public, "You passed out, Edward. I don´t know how, but I think the pain was too much for you and you just passed out as a mental defense."

Passed out? How could that be? But I stared at the bed beneath me, and I couldn´t help but wonder if it was really possible…

"Do you mean to say that… that I was asleep just now?"

He nodded.

The images of Bella and I in the meadow together, on a porch in the middle of nowhere, the inexplicable sense of warmth and security…

Good God, had I been dreaming?

I rubbed my face with my hands, feeling for all the world like all the blood had drained from my face. Not that I had any blood, but if I had I was sure it would be dropping right to my feet.

"I… I was dreaming."

Carlisle nodded, but his voice was solemn, "We know. Never in all my years have I seen a vampire sleep, let alone dream."

"But this isn´t possible," I insisted.

"Apparently it is," Carlisle insisted, "The Volturi have clearly poisoned you with whatever they put into your body. I will have to take some of your venom and run some tests to see what has happened, and if this will ever happen again."

"Where are they now?" I asked, hoping that we had at least hindered them in some way.

"They disappeared. We tried to follow them, but they are far too evasive for us to track," Jasper said, "But there was no sign of Victoria."

"Oh God… Bella. Is she okay?" I asked frantically. I looked at Esme, knowing she had been watching her while we were gone.

She stroked my back lovingly, but her face was bitter when she spoke, "She´s fine."

I wanted to ask her why she looked so displeased, but I wasn´t satisfied with her words. I needed to see for myself that Bella was okay. And if the Volturi were already here, I would have even more trouble keeping her safe. However, before I could move an inch, Carlisle held me back again. "Don´t move, Edward. We still don´t know if it´s safe."

"I don´t care. I have to make sure that Bella´s okay."

"I´m telling you the truth. Bella´s totally fine." Esme soothed.

"How can she be fine when Victoria and the Volturi are after her? What if they are already here?"

"They aren´t here, at least not yet. Since you informed the werewolves of their intentions, they too will provide protection. At the very least, we have that."

I shook my head, "I only told Jacob Black that they were coming. I don´t know if he has informed the others yet."

My family looked at each other, wondering how the werewolves would react, wondering if they should ask to put the treaty on hold until Bella´s safety was assured. I didn´t want to wait for them to come to their own decisions. I struggled against Carlisle, "Let me go!"

"No, Edward, not until we know what is wrong with you."

"Then one of you can come with me if you like. I just need to see her for a moment, that´s all."

To my total relief, Alice came to my rescue, "I´ll go with him. Don´t worry. I don´t see anything happening, at least not today. We´ll just run over to her house and come right back."

Carlisle was pondering, still doubting if I should leave the house. Esme came to her own decision, "Okay, but you are taking the car. You are not to go running around Forks. Do you understand me?"

"Yes," I promised, anything that would calm her worried mind.

Still, my family would not leave my side until I was safe in the car. Instinctively, I went to the driver seat, but Alice immediately pushed me to the passenger side and got in my place. Esme spoke to Alice, "Come back right away, and if he isn´t feeling well, call us so we can meet you."

"I will, Mom," she insisted.

She was far too slow pulling out of the driveway. I clenched my hands into fists, wanting to jump out of the car and run all the way to Bella´s house. Alice grabbed onto my hand, "Don´t ever think about it."

Damn it. She was far too annoying. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a few deep breaths, a nervous habit of mine to ward off panic. Alice´s thoughts spoke to me even in the darkness of the night, ´_What were you dreaming about, Edward?´_

It was still hard for me to understand that I truly had been dreaming. I hadn´t slept for even a second since 1918, let alone dreamt. It was hard to even remember what a dream was. It was like I had become someone completely different, or slipped into another dimension. When I was human, they had been so common, I had never given them a second thought. Now that they were gone from my life, it felt like some kind of other-worldly adventure, the greatest adventure.

And Bella… How often had I yearned for sleep just so I could dream of her, just so I could escape to a world where we could be together? No complications, no danger, no past or future, just us. And I didn´t even doubt in the dream that I was there. It felt 100% real. It hurt a little now, to realize that it wasn´t real, but the mere memory of the dream had the power to soothe my frazzled nerves. Even if it was just a fantasy, it was a gift from heaven.

"Bella," I said simply.

Pain flashed through Alice´s thoughts. _´I´m sorry.´_

"Don´t be sorry," I said, turning my face away from her, "It´s not your fault."

She sighed. _´I just wish… I wish there was a way for you two to be together again.´_

Her own fantasies of that impossible future stung me. "Don´t," I pleaded.

She stopped at once, focusing on the lyrics to a musical, but her mind was still focused on me, saddened by my sadness.

In a show of brotherly sympathy, I turned my hand upwards and grasped her hand in mine. I saw her smile a little out of the corner of my eye and give me a gentle squeeze. It was good, in spite of everything, to know that my family would never let me down. Even if the whole world collapsed around me, I knew they would always be there.

In assurance of that, as though she knew I was thinking it, she whispered out loud, "We´re here for you, Edward, and Bella too. We won´t let anything happen to either of you."

"I know," I said, hoping my gratefulness was clear.

Her mind became wistful, then. _"What´s it like, dreaming?"_

I should have known she would be curious about the physics. She had lost all of her human memories. She probably couldn´t comprehend what a dream was.

I sighed and tried to grasp again the feelings of the dream. "It´s hard to explain I guess. It´s like you are remembering something that never happened, like you are making up your own world. I suppose… it would be like if you were writing a book on the spot, and everything you wrote was happening right in front of you, but you don´t really plan it, not really. It just comes to you. It feels like you are watching a movie only you are in it and you can feel and taste everything that is happening."

She wondered if she should ask me the details of the dream, but she thought better of it, knowing it would hurt me to go over the details of my broken love-life. "Is it nice?"

I closed my eyes and tried to feel it. It wasn´t as strong, as dreams so easily dimmed once we awakened, but I remembered Bella´s face clearly, I remembered the gentle swinging of the hammock, and I remembered the warmth wrapped around me. The peace of that thought stayed with me still, like a mark on my heart, and I prayed that as a vampire, the memory of it would never fade.

"It´s wonderful," I said, sincerely.

By the time we arrived at Bella´s house, I was much calmer than before, and there wasn´t a scent of another vampire, so I felt assured that she was safe for now. Still, I made my way to her window. I hesitated to peek inside for a moment, once again feeling that I was overstepping my bounds as her ex-boyfriend, but a millisecond of a glance was enough for me to insure her safety, and I vanished again before she even had time to take a breath. I landed on the ground again, next to the car, and got inside. A most unpleasant scent hit my nose as I got in. "A werewolf is coming by. It smells like Jacob. We should be gone or he will be angry."

Alice frowned, but backed the car out of the driveway anyway, "Why should we care what a wolf thinks?"

"I don´t, but Bella does. I won´t risk losing her friendship, even if it does mean being nice to the wolves."

Alice´s mind was troubled again, but this time, it was Bella that worried her. "Do you really think it´s okay, to have her hanging around a werewolf? He could kill her if he gets angry."

I clenched my teeth, but I knew the answer long ago, and it kept me in control. "I know, but it´s her decision to make. I don´t think it´s safe for her either, but I can´t make that choice for her. If I was still with her, I wouldn´t let her go within a mile of them."

Of that, I was certain. If I had anything to say about her life and safety, I would have done whatever it took to keep those violent creatures away from her. What´s worse, I still wanted to, almost more than anything, and yet an invisible hand always held me back. I had always promised myself that I would stop at nothing to keep Bella safe, so what was stopping me now?

And I knew the reason, and it was achingly simple. She wasn´t mine anymore. That was all there was to it. I would die for her, kill for her, steal for her, run to the edges of the earth, but I couldn´t take away her happiness. If Jacob was what she wanted, I had to respect her wishes, no matter how hard it was for me.

Of course, if I ever found out he had so much as growled at her, I could suck him dry, disgusting as his blood may be.

Alice suddenly slowed the car. "Shouldn´t we tell him what´s happened?"

"We will organize a meeting with the Quileute clan, including his father, but I would rather not have a second confrontation with him in one day. We´ll call the clan as soon as we get back."

Bella´s house faded behind us. I watched it disappear through the side window, and the aching of her absence began again.

*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*......*

Monday, finally. I never thought I would be so relieved to see it.

Sunday was very uneventful. We met up with Billy Black and a few other werewolves at the treaty boundary, but we didn´t last there for any more than a few minutes. Billy Black was wary of our presence and nervous, since he could not bring enough of his people to outnumber us, should we attack.

But we came in peace and left the same way. We simply informed him that more vampires were coming, and that they were coming specifically for Bella. I didn´t go into many details about why they were, but they didn´t ask out loud or even question it in their thoughts. All they cared about was that more vampires, more vicious ones at that, were coming here. That was all they needed to agree to join us in our efforts. Billy Black guaranteed that a werewolf would be posted outside of Bella´s home at all times, whenever she was not with his son. He also suggested that Jacob could coerce Bella into spending more time on the reservation. I was very hesitant at first, knowing that it would be difficult to reach her if there was a need to, but at the same time I knew that she would be well protected there, or at least more than she would anywhere else in Forks. I hated it with every inch of me, but I conceded.

The rest of the day was spent in Carlisle´s private study as he performed examinations. So far, we had no answers to what had happened to me in Canada, but Carlisle was working around the clock to find out what was happening. One problem we would have tackle was how to analyze the venom over long periods of time without having it dissolve his equipment.

Now I could put that behind me and focus on Bella again. The dream I had had successfully put me into a false sense of reality. In a way it was hard to distinguish between the dream and the truth, and I had to remind myself of that every once in a while. The moment I saw the banners outside promoting the upcoming prom, I thought of taking Bella, and it took me many seconds to realize that I could not. Still, seeing her face could do me some good. I actually felt physically weary from the trials of the weekend.

I heard the sound of her heartbeat over the sound of the school bus, and mine nearly leapt into my throat. As cold and dead as it was, everything about Bella made it feel warm and alive, like I could barely stop it from jumping out of me. I smiled wide, surely looking rather ridiculous, but did not care who saw me. My love was coming and I felt lucky to be alive, just so I could look upon her again.

Her face was in a pout as she exited the bus, and I held back a laugh. Surely she was still missing her car. I decided I should offer her rides. Surely she would appreciate that, and it would give me an excuse to be with her, a desperate excuse, but it was good enough for me. Just like last year, I wanted every opportunity to know more about her. Just when I thought I knew enough, something else shocked me, something else made me fall even deeper in love with her than before.

I sighed. It was dangerous to go down that road. Could I afford to be anymore obsessed with this girl? It hardly mattered now. I was too lost to turn back.

But when she caught sight of me, she cringed, and my smile vanished. What was that look about her? Was she in pain? Was I wrong in assuming Saturday that she had been well? With a thin level of patience, I waited until she was within talking distance, but she was unusually slow.

"Bella?" I said when she finally got close enough, "What´s wrong?"

She didn´t answer at first. She didn't even look at me. It was hard to hold off my panic, but I wouldn´t push her. Still, her troubled face brought me great pain and I reached a hand out to touch her, hoping to draw her attention and perhaps calm her if I could. She flinched again, and I pulled my hand back as though I had been burned. Something was very very wrong.

"Bella, you´re scaring me. Are you alright?"

"I´m fine," She said quickly, her voice hard as ice, "Can I speak with you for a moment in private?"

I didn´t wait to answer. I took her by the arm and led her to corner of the building, just by the woods, and turned to face her. She clutched her books tighter and stared at the ground. I ground my teeth together in frustration. "Did something happen to you?"

"No, don´t be ridiculous. Why would there be something wrong?"

"Having vampires coming after you at the present time is cause for concern."

She blinked in surprise. Clearly she had forgotten. If I was in a better mood I would have laughed. Only Bella would let a bunch of murderous vampires slip from her mind, though as far as she knew, there was only one… and I planned to keep it that way.

"No… It´s not that. I haven´t seen a thing."

I breathed a sigh of relief. I still had time, it seemed, to set things right without damaging her life any further. If I had anything to say about it, she would never even catch sight of those vampires. They would disappear from her life like a distant memory, just as I should have long ago.

"Then what´s wrong?"

She hesitated longer, biting her lip in a way that was far too pleasant to watch. My emotions changed from panic to tender concern. No matter what the reason, anything that harmed Bella harmed me. Perhaps she was coming to me for some personal help. I was gladdened at the thought that she would confide in me that much. No doubt, I would help her with everything I had.

"I can´t hang out with you anymore, Edward. I´m sorry."

I wasn´t expecting that, and my mind faltered. "What are you talking about?"

She looked into my eyes, reaffirming herself, and her gaze was as hard as steel, "I´m sorry, Edward. I just think it would be for the best, for you and for me."

I was too confused to feel anger or sadness, only shock. "Where is this coming from?"

"Please, Edward, don´t make this any harder."

"Don´t make this any harder?" I said, my anger suddenly exploding within me, so powerful it even surprised me, "What in the world have I done?"

Her voice was small and sheepish. "Nothing. You´ve done nothing. It´s all me. I just need some distance from you."

I clenched my teeth harder, fighting the urge to punch in the brick wall next to me. "Why would you need that? I´ve always treated you with respect. I´m trying to make sure you don´t get killed. Is there some problem with that?"

Her face became angry. I knew I was being harsh, but I didn´t even care at the moment. How dare she… How dare she turn me away after all I had done for her! After all I had suffered through just to keep her safe and happy! And she was telling me she didn´t want anything to do with me?

"Back off, Edward. This isn´t about that. You know I am grateful for everything, I just… My life is too complicated right now to deal with this."

"To deal with what?" I growled.

"Ugh," she moaned, "Well it isn´t exactly normal for a girl to be hanging out with her ex-boyfriend. Just imagine what everyone´s thinking."

I didn´t need to imagine a thing. She should know that. I could hear their every twisted thought, and I prayed that she never knew what disgusting things they thought of her, calling her a trollup and a tease. I could have crushed their faces in for the things they imagined of her.

But the biggest surprise of all was that Bella would actually care what these idiot classmates thought of her. She had never been so shallow to give a second thought about what they thought about her. She knew there were people who did not think kindly of her, but she was never anything but respectful, and she didn´t have bitterness in her heart when they spread rumors about her and me. What happened to that girl?

But I was bitter now. "Wow, Bella. You sure have changed. The Bella I knew wasn´t shallow enough to care about silly rumors."

It was harsh to say it, and I knew it, but my anger blinded me until the words were already said. I immediately regretted it, but my pride and current rage were too strong for me to take them back. Bella glared at me, "Don´t you dare judge me, Edward Cullen. When you left, I was the most pitied person in the school. Do not tell me that I´m shallow when I had to endure all the things they said behind my back. You have no idea."

"Don´t I?"

Angry tears fell on her cheeks. "Can´t you just be happy for me? I finally have my life back together, and I never thought I would. I have friends and good grades and my future… and a boyfriend who loves me."

It was a good thing my hand wasn´t against that wall or it would be in pieces by now.

"And a fine job you´ve done there," I snarled through my teeth, "Went straight for a werewolf boyfriend. Do you have a desire to die?"

Bella rose up, as if she was trying to tower over me, but I was well over a few inches taller than her. But like the fierce kitten that thinks it´s a tiger, she looked at me as though she was a vampire herself, like she could tear me apart. "Don´t you dare talk bad about Jacob! You have no right to butt into my business!"

"I am the one trying to keep you alive, you ungrateful…" I cut myself off before I could say the final word. Never had I cursed to a lady and I certainly would not say such a hateful word to the woman I loved.

Her chin jutted out and I could swear she was trying to hold back tears even as they fell, "Go ahead and say it."

I couldn´t say it.

"Go ahead."

Extreme sadness replaced my rage.

She almost smiled then, an evil smile. "… Bitch." The word ended with a grueling hiss.

"Bella…"

"No, you listen to me, Edward," she yelled, mimicking my name in the way I had said hers, only slightly mindful that other students were nearby, "I went through hell after you left. Not only did you disappear, you took your family with you, a family I happened to love. You have no idea what I went through because of that. Everything I ever wanted was just ripped away from me. I could barely eat. I never talked to anyone. For months I couldn´t even sleep. And as soon as I make some progress, you come back and try to interfere with everything again. Well I won´t let you! I am not going to lose everything I have just to make you happy again! If you want to play my knight and shining armor, guess what! I don´t need you to do that anymore! Jacob will never let anything happen to me and I know he would never betray me like you did!"

I yearned for death in that moment more than I ever had. I never wanted to know the pain she suffered because of me. Looking at her now, it was hard to imagine there had been any pain at all. I had almost imagined she had moved on the very next day after I had left. Was it really that hard for her? Had she really had trouble sleeping for months because of our break-up?

Impossible… She was a typical teenage girl, and breakups would only seem like the end of the world to her now. She would grow up. She would know that my leaving her was trivial at more. In fact, she clearly already knew she was better off without me. Like she said, she had someone knew, someone who wanted to protect her, and I had no place in her life.

If I had died on Saturday I could have been at peace right now. I would never have to know this, her hidden hatred of me. I wished I could erase her words from my mind and heart, but they echoed in my ears repeatedly. How foolish I was… to have wanted to hold on to life so I could just see her again. How foolish to think that I could tell her how much I loved her now.

So I did the only thing I could do, I backed down, "Very well."

The silence that followed was deafening, and I struggled to fill it, "Unfortunately we are still classmates, so you´ll have to put up with me there, but let´s just get through the rest of the year and you will never had to see me. Fair enough?"

Tears rolled down her cheeks now, and my anger could not erase the agony at that sight. I ached to reach for her, but her words reminded me that she would only shy away again. Funny, it took her over a year to finally flee from my touch, when she should have instinctively known the very first day that she shouldn´t even be in the same room with me. It took a long time, but she knew better now… I would never touch her again…

"Fine," she said, quickly turning away herself and walking back towards the classrooms.

I stared after her, wanting to see her face again, wanting to memorize it. She was gone too quickly and my heart ripped open again. In my rage, my hand punched into the corner of the brick building, tearing out a nice hole. It did little to relieve my pain, it might as well have been paper, but somehow it hurt even my hand.

And then pain erupted all around me. I clutched my throat as fire exploded from within, but no screams immerged. Instead I collapsed onto the floor and the fire enveloped me. I clutched at the ground and pressed my face into the dirt, afraid that I was going to cry out. Some miniscule part of me was still conscious of the fact that I was mere feet away from a bunch of arriving students, and I rolled away into total darkness so that none would see me, and I held back my screams, letting only pathetic whimpers escape me.

It was the same pain as two days ago, the same burning, the same feeling that my flesh was being torn from my body. I flung my head back against the ground and hissed out my scream, my mouth wide open but emitting hardly a sound. The fire was especially strong around my stomach, and I gripped myself hard.

I heard voices then, "Oh my god!"

To my relief, it was not a human student, but Alice. The sounds of other footsteps followed, and I felt them gripping onto me. They were pulling my arms away. I held on tighter, needing the tiny comfort of this position. "Let go Edward!" Emmett yelled. What was he talking about?

They pulled my arms completely to my sides and held me down as a silently screamed. "It´s happening again. We have to get him back to Carlisle now."

"How? He´s at the hospital. We can´t bring him there or they will know something isn't right."

"We´ll say it´s a family emergency. They´ll let him come home."

They tried to lift me and the pain intensified. I let one audible scream escape me before a mouth muffled it. "Shh, Edward! The humans are all around us."

But I could barely hear her. My mind was already fading. But as all feeling escaped me, and I became weak, I became hopeful at the same time. I was going to pass out again, I could feel it. I was going to dream again. Dream of Bella and a happier time that could never be, a place with no hatred between us. With nothing but my hopeless and tireless love, and her impossible love in return.

To be continued…

**HURRAY! I am finally off for summer vacation! I can´t believe it´s almost mid July and I´m only free now! In any event, there will be more frequent updates, I imagine, during the next few months since I don´t have school breathing down my neck. And I´m coming back to the US for a month so a whole lot of relaxation is ahead! I can´t wait to write the next one! A lot of excitement is ahead!**

**Please review and keep reminding me to write. Often I will forget about the story completely until I get a review ******** Take care everyone and have an awesome summer!**


	19. Ch 19: The Use of Force

****NOTE**:** Please observe the MATURE rating with regards to this chapter.

Ch 19: The Use of Force

**BPOV**

Edward didn´t come to class after that, though I guess he didn´t need to. Not like he would be learning anything new.

I had never felt so torn. In a way, like always, I just wanted to be near him, to breathe in his scent, hear his voice, see his smile, anything that I could. Even if I was forbidden to see him outside of class, it would be a relief to see him at school. However, being near him now would only make us fight again, I just knew it.

And so I was back to square one again, desperately wanting Edward but not even being able to be on friendly terms anymore. What would I do after graduation? Would Jacob still forbid me from seeing him? Before that happened, could I convince him to let us be friends?

Or worse, what if we graduated and Edward disappeared again? He said he would stay around to protect me, but would he still do that? I didn´t fear the arrival of vampires out for my blood a fraction of how much I feared his departure. I didn´t know if I could go through that pain again, even if we weren´t supposed to be friends anymore.

I went through all my classes without seeing him once. I didn´t even see Alice or Emmett or any of his family for that matter, perhaps they all decided to skip. The day was a depressing blur due to their absence. Not even my human friends could fill the void in me. I yearned for some inhuman companionship.

But apparently I would be getting just that, only not the kind I had been hoping for. As soon as I arrived home, Charlie informed me that we would be going out to La Push for a barbeque. I don´t think I had ever dreaded going there so much before. My only comfort was that it wasn´t going to be just Jake and I. Both our fathers, the other boys, and a few others from town were coming as well. It was strange to think that I was afraid of being alone with my own boyfriend.

In any event, I would have to get over it. No way this relationship would work out if we couldn´t be alone together. My insides turned over a few times. I knew there would come a day when we would have to be… intimate. I could barely stomach the thought of having sex with anyone but Edward. Though a few months had passed since my vampire had returned, some things were clear. My love for Edward had not weakened, and my love for Jacob had not grown, as I had expected it would. Would I be ready to truly be with Jacob when the time came?

We arrived at the house to find the barbeque was already in full swing. It was in the early evening, so the sun was still out, but turning the sky a pleasant yellow and white. Clearly the Blacks knew how to take advantage of good weather and plan ahead. Just this morning it had been cloudy and now there wasn´t a cloud in the sky. I smirked to myself. Maybe their wolf instincts were a big helper in that regard.

Jake and his father were at the front door to greet us. "Charlie, Bella, welcome. Glad you could make it on such short notice."

"You know we wouldn´t miss it," replied Charlie, "You still owe me that salmon."

"Well, come out to the back and we´ll get you two started on some food. You, my friend, will bringing all your salmon to me when you get a taste of what I´ve got cooking."

My father stepped away from me to match his friend´s pace, which was oddly fast considering the wheelchair, while Jacob waited for me to come close enough to wrap an arm around my waist. I jumped a little at his actions. He was always a bit touchier than normal boys, but in front of our fathers? It was a stretch, even for him. Still, he gave me a strong smile and I instantly fell into place in his grasp. My nerves eased slightly, and we proceeded to the festivities.

Jacob didn´t let go of me until we reached his friends. Like most gatherings, the kids were all gathered at one table. It was a little unnerving though, being the only girl. Having Emily or Leah around would have made me feel a bit more comfortable.

"There she is," Quil shouted, always one to be friendly.

I slid out of Jacob´s grasp when Quil put his arm over my shoulder. It was an odd relief. Quil lowered his voice, "We snuck some beer into these jugs. Just don´t tell any of the adults."

Without asking if I wanted any, he handed me a glass. I took it, knowing full well I wouldn´t even take a sip. I had sampled beer before and could never understand how people enjoyed that bitter taste. But boys being boys, Jake and the others did not hesitate.

"So, Bella, I was hoping you could answer me something. Now you don´t have to talk about it if you don´t want to, I´m just curious."

I winced, but nodded my permission for him to ask.

"Is it true that there you´ve got some vampire stalker out there, coming after you now?"

I instantly shivered. Jake eyed me and tensed as well, but tried to keep things friendly all the same, "Okay, Quil. That is hardly the conversation to bring up at a party."

"Calm down, Jake. It´s a simple question." Quil laughed.

Jacob glared at him a little harder, locking his jaw firmly, "And I would appreciate it if you didn´t ask again."

Somehow I knew there was a secret meaning beneath that glare, something that he couldn´t say out loud, at least not in this crowd. I felt myself getting smaller and smaller amidst the tension. The other boys looked at each other with varying looks of concern. I hated to be the center of it all.

"I just wanted to know because we have been told to keep on the lookout." The question was innocent enough, I supposed.

Jake wrapped an arm around my waist again and hoisted me against him, glaring at Quil. "Don´t question it, just do it please."

The air around us immediately got quiet. I didn´t quite understand why Jacob was so offended by this topic. Granted, it wasn´t very comfortable for me either, but I could understand why they would want to know why they were risking their own lives for someone like me. I wanted to tell him that I didn´t mind him asking, that I was sorry for dragging them into this mess, but I knew the time had passed. Quil looked at me grimly, "Sorry, Bella. It´s alright. We´ll protect you."

I gave him a brief smile of thanks. Jake whispered to me, "I´ll go get you some food."

I sat down with his friends, who were desperately trying to change the subject, but I was suddenly out of the conversation. I looked around me, not really looking for anyone or anything in particular, but needing a distraction. It was a sea of faces, both ones that I knew and didn´t know, but none of them faces I knew very well. These were people I had met as a child whilst visiting my father, not people I had made any real connections with. I had always felt that their world was different from mine. I never really fit in with this small town crowd, couldn´t relate to this quiet life they all lived, or how it was that they enjoyed it so much. And that was all before I was introduced to the world of vampires and werewolves. Now it was like the distance between me and the normal human world had increased ten-fold. All of their problems seemed so trivial to me, I could barely even sympathize with their day-to-day life. It was hard to care about who was dating who and what was the latest fashion craze when your life was constantly on the line, or the love of your life was in and out of your life without warning, or you were desperately hanging on to whatever thread of sanity you had left.

Was this how it was going to feel forever? Would I always feel this separated from the real world?

When Jacob returned with the food, I felt I had a place at the party again. The boys joked around and threw food at each other and discussed the latest games and movies. Pretty soon the sun was going down and the party was dying down.

All of a sudden, Jacob took my hand. "Come with me, Bella."

I followed without hesitation, happy to get away from the small but stifling crowd. We headed inside and I automatically made my way to the living room, until Jacob started guiding me into his bedroom. "Jacob?"

"No one will bother us in here. I just wanted to talk since we don´t get many chances these days."

His voice was very delicate and rough. I could tell by looking at him that he was a bit intoxicated. It was actually a little amusing, to be sober myself and to see him like this. This would probably be a better time to talk than any other. I could probably find out more of what he was thinking, he would be less willing to hide anything from me. First things first, I would have to find out why he was so angry at Quil´s question before. Then maybe I could get him to ease up on Edward.

We entered his room, which was rather dark for my standards. A single salt lamp lit the room in orange hues, like a sunset. I could make up machinery parts lying on his desk, and tribal patterns on his bed post and furniture. A few clothes were strewn about as well. It was very much a typical guy room.

We sat on his bed and he smiled at me in that sweet way I loved so much, "How are you?"

I smiled back, "Fine. It´ll just be a relief once school-."

But before I could say anything else, Jacob´s lips smashed against mine, hard. I was so shocked all the air escaped from my lungs at once. I would have backed off to take a breath of air but his arms wrapped around me and held me against him. His kiss was sloppy and reeked of beer. I turned my face to the side, only to have him start kissing down my neck. "Jake, what are you doing?"

"Kissing you, of course." He laughed darkly. If it had been anyone other than me, it would be been considered a very pleasant sound.

"I thought you wanted to talk."

"I think this is much better than talking, don´t you?"

I couldn't answer that. My mind was running a mile a minute and all I could do was hang on as he forced his tongue into my mouth. I had no idea how I should respond to him. I tried doing the same things he did, to keep pace with him, but our rhythm never seemed to match no matter how hard I tried. Our teeth brushed together, making a very unpleasant clacking noise. Kissing him was at least tolerable when he was sober, but this was ridiculously unnatural. It was truly a horrible kiss, but Jake didn´t seem to notice.

Suddenly my shirt was being lifted and hands were groping my breasts over my bra. It was then that I started to panic. I pushed at him and cried out, "Jake, please stop. Please… You know we aren´t the only ones here."

"I can be quiet, if you can," He said as he gave me a squeeze. He smiled, "I can hear your heart pounding."

That was true, but it certainly wasn´t from pleasure. When he tried moving my bra to the side, I jumped back and shouted as softly as I could, "Jake, stop!"

He did, but he didn´t let go of me. His hold didn´t even loosen. "What? I´m not doing anything wrong. You´re my girlfriend. What did you expect me to do?"

I felt tears rushing to my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. "You´re drunk… besides, I´m just not ready for that."

He scoffed, "Not even ready to let me touch you? Good grief, Bella, I can barely even hold your hand anymore without you tensing up."

Crap, so he had noticed that after all. I shook my head, "It´s just going too fast for me. I need some time to get used to this. We´ve barely even started dating."

"So what? It´s the 21st century. How long were you planning to wait anyway?"

Forever was what I had in mind. "I don´t know. I hadn´t figured that out yet. But anyway, you know I was never one of those girls who just falls into bed with someone instantly."

"Bella, Bella, Bella… You´re the kind of girl who is too shy to take the initiative, probably ever."

I knew for a fact that wasn´t true, having questioned Edward a few times myself about possibilities for a more intimate relationship, but knowing that didn´t make the words hurt any less, "You don´t know that."

"I know you better than you think, Bella," He brought his hand up to roughly caress my cheek, "You don't say what you really want. You´re afraid of getting hurt so you shut yourself down."

He kissed my cheek lovingly, but it felt sick. His words did have truth in them, but they felt like more of an insult than anything else. "You make me sound like such a push-over."

"Not at all, Bella. I just want to help you." He rubbed my arms soothingly. "Tell you what. We´ll start off with something else. Something where you get control, okay? I won´t touch a thing."

I let that settle in my mind for a few seconds. That didn´t sound so bad. I wasn´t sure I could handle being the dominating one, but at least I could keep my body to myself for a while longer and test out my own assertion. "Okay," I agreed with a weak smile, ever trusting, ever naive.

He smiled wide and gave me a long passionate kiss. For once, I melted into him, happy that he was happy, having that certainty once again that if I tried hard enough, we would live happily ever after. He softly pulled my hair back, breaking the kiss, but his lips hovered over mine, just grazing the skin. In the faint light of his lamp, it looked unbearably seductive. Maybe I could get used to this.

"Suck me."

The words didn´t seem to process until a few moments later, but when they did, all my calm rushed out of me like I had been struck by him.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God… He didn´t mean… Oh God!

"It´s okay. It´s not that hard. Here, I ´ll help you."

Oh my God, he was zipping down his pants!

I was beyond worried or afraid at this point. I was downright terrified. So much so that I couldn´t utter a single sound of resistance. I knew I wanted to back away. I knew this was not something I could do. I knew this was no less horrifying than actually making love to him. But suddenly he placed my hands on him and it was all I could do not to vomit. I had never touched a… penis before, but this was not what I had in mind. A large throbbing muscle surrounded by hair and covered in sweat. It was revolting, unnatural, and far FAR too forward.

I tried moving my hands away, but Jake wouldn´t give me any room to move. He was guiding my hands up and down, squeezing down on my hands, creating friction. Tears spilled over onto my cheeks. He didn´t notice, but the feeling of the wetness awoke me from my horror-struck trance and gave me a moment of strength to speak. "Please, Jake… I can´t do this. Don´t make me."

My voice sounded so pitiful, barely even a cry, and Jake didn´t seem to care, "Come on. Just put your mouth on it and I´ll do the rest."

So much for me having control. He gripped the back of my head and pushed me down. He forced himself into my mouth and I almost vomited right then and there. It was truly a disgusting taste and smell. I instinctively tried to back away, but his hands held me down. I cried out, but my voice was muffled. I heard a satisfied groan as his penis filled my entire mouth. Tears overflowed from my eyes and I tried desperately to back away. I managed to move back only a few inches before he began thrusting into my mouth, back and forth.

He was reaching the back of my throat, initiating the gag reflex. I was vomiting up fluids but he didn´t stop. I tried using my teeth to make him stop, but just like the rest of his body, he was too hard for me to hurt him even there, and he even seemed to find pleasure in the feeling of my teeth.

My mind seemed to go blank for a while, growing numb to this unnatural invasion of my body an soul, blocking my mind from the horror of what was happening. Within a few minutes, I was only aware that I was sobbing, but I had given up on getting away. My whole mouth was hurting, I couldn´t even breathe right.

All the while I could hear Jacob´s sighs of contentment. Even the light sound of his voice sent shivers down my spine and made the situation that much worse. If I hadn´t known it was him beneath me, maybe it wouldn´t have been so hard. Maybe if a faceless stranger had cornered me in an alley and forced himself on me, it would have been easier than knowing I was being betrayed by someone I loved. Then I could hate and scorn and thrash and scream all I wanted. But this was my Jacob… my Jacob, and he was breaking my heart all over again.

"I´m going to come," he said, just a second before he tensed beneath me.

I tried again to pull back, panicked once more, but he held my face against him and strained, "Swallow!" He shouted, his voice now frighteningly demanding.

His semen went straight into my throat and I choked. I could taste the vile salty essence of him throughout my entire mouth, an experience I knew I was far from ready for.

Only a few seconds later did he finally pull my head back and let me pant for breath. He too was panting, and he smiled in drunken satisfaction, "Wow Bella, that was pretty good, even if a bit sloppy."

What a thing to say, after forcing me to do such at thing, like I was some kind of animal or child being taught a lesson. I crawled backwards into his dresser, trying to get away from him, but shaking too much for me to do much of anything.

The taste and smell of semen seemed to be all over me, not just in my mouth. Jacob buckled his pants again, and sighed, "Go get washed up. We should get back to the party before someone comes looking for us."

I didn´t say a word. I didn´t even look at him. And he was acting like nothing had happened at all, like this wasn't such a big deal. He had forced himself on me, and this was his reaction? He lightly touched my head and I cringed. "Oh, don´t be like that, Bella. It just takes some getting used to. I promise that when you let me, I´ll do more than just return the favor."

The thought of him doing that to me was almost as disgusting as what I had just done to him.

He left the room without another word, leaving me in the darkness. Tears continued to cloud my vision, but the taste in my mouth was something I could not ignore, no matter how horrible I felt. I made a bee-line to the bathroom and washed out my mouth as many times as I could. But even after I had brushed my teeth 5 times, I could still taste him. More than that, I could still feel his hands on me. I could still feel my mouth straining to fit around him. I felt as though more than my mouth had been taken by him.

I sat on the floor of the bathroom and put my face on top of my knees, just trying to breathe normally again. I didn´t know if I was truly having a panic attack or not, but my heart felt like it was about to explode under pressure.

´This is what you asked for,´ a small voice in my head whispered, ´You would have given anything to have someone by your side, anybody, just so you could forget your own heart.´

I shook my head against the words and heaved heavy breaths against my knees.

The minutes passed, or it might have been hours. Suddenly my father´s voice was calling my name, telling me we had to get home. I felt such relief and yet such dread. Thankfully when I exited Jacob´s room, my forceful boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. We made our way to the car without a fuss, and my father seemed blissfully unaware of my traumatized state.

"Did you have a good time, honey?"

I uttered my first words in what must have been forever. "Yeah."

The words felt dry and empty, and uttering them brought the revolting taste of semen back into my mouth. I shut my lips tightly, refusing to say anything I didn´t need to. The entire way home my father caught me up on the latest gossip, but I didn´t even hear a word. When we arrived at our driveway, I barely even said goodnight before I made it up to my room. Without even taking off my shoes, I got under the covers, looking for any form of solace I could find, even in this empty darkness.

This was the first time Jacob had actually forced himself on me. He had tried to do things to me before, but it had always been enough for me to tell him to stop. Oh God, what had happened to Jacob? What had happened to us? Why was he doing this?

I tried desperately to sleep, but sleep would not come. I kept glancing at the window, wondering if Jacob was going to come into my room again, maybe this time to do something even worse. After all, he was in on the plan to protect me. Who was going to stop him from coming right on in and having his way with me?

I had to get away. I had to get someplace where Jacob couldn´t find me, just so I could think for awhile. There was only one person I knew who could give me that comfort. Keeping my voice down so that Charlie wouldn`t hear me, I dialed.

"Hi Bella," Alice´s cheerful voice rang out. "What´s up?"

Hearing her voice brought more tears to my eyes, I think because I knew how much I needed her right then. I tried my best to smile through the tears, to keep my voice level, "Hi Alice. I know it´s late. I hope you don´t mind."

" Of course not. Don´t be silly. Not like I was sleeping or anything." She laughed.

"I didn´t think so… Do you think I could come stay with you tonight? I really don´t want to be at home right now."

"Okay…" There was a long pause, "Bella, did something happen? Are you okay?"

No, I definitely was not okay. I wanted to tell her everything, wanted her to help me, but it was too soon to think about telling this horrible tale. I just needed a distraction. "I´m fine," I lied, "I just can´t sleep and I would really like to hang out. Do you think you can come pick me up?"

"Absolutely! I´ll be there in 10 minutes. Wait for me around the block so we don´t wake up your father."

As I hung up the phone, I felt the cold grip of loneliness again, and ten minutes was suddenly ten years. I changed my clothes in the meantime. Although I doubted my clothes were affected, it still felt like Jacob was covering every inch of me, and I didn´t want Alice being tipped off by any weird smells, if any. Maybe by the end of the night, I would be able to get her advice on this whole mess. That was, of course, assuming I could find the guts to tell her about this.

What I wasn´t prepared for was how scared I would be just to step outside. In this small town, there were no street lights to guide me. By now, most of the families had settled down to sleep. I could see a few windows of light far away. So far away they would never be able to hear me scream.

It was strange, but I realized it was no longer Victoria I feared to find in this darkness. I feared my best friend, my boyfriend, the person I had trusted with my life and heart. I feared just seeing his face again or hearing his voice. Afraid of my Jacob… Not just afraid but terrified of him. Terrified of what he might do to me next.

Every sound in the night scared the life out of me. I kept expecting to see him coming out from behind the trees. I kept imagining the howling of wolves and glowing eyes staring at me hungrily, undressing me mentally. When Alice´s car finally came into view, for a moment I thought the headlights were the eyes of the wolf. I really was losing my mind.

I got into the car as soon as it slowed down enough for me to do so. Apparently I didn´t look as composed and I had hoped, because Alice was staring at me with that concerned look of hers. "Good grief, Bella. You look horrible."

I crossed my arms and tried to make myself smaller again. "Gee, thanks Alice."

She shook her head, "No, I mean… what happened to you?"

"I´m fine… Really… It´s just been a rough day and I´m really on edge right now."

"Oh… well okay… Hopefully I can cheer you up," She said, returning to her uppity self.

I smiled, a real smile, feeling safe at last, "I know you will."

The drive to the Cullen household was very soothing. I no longer feared what lurked in the shadows. Just being around Alice seemed to suck the fear right out of me. No matter what problems we had in the past, I knew I was untouchable as long as I was with her, or anyone else in the family for that matter.

Oh, but there was a thought… "Alice… Is Edward home? We kind of got into an argument today and I doubt he´ll want to speak to me."

The car seemed to get colder, like the wind was creeping in through the windows. "No. I mean he wouldn´t mind anyway, knowing him, but… he´s not home. He is out hunting with Carlisle and Esme."

"Oh… I always thought you guys all went together."

"Well some of us last longer than others, so… it doesn´t always work out."

"I see…"

"And I´m pretty sure the others are doing their own thing as well, so for the most part we´ll have the whole house to ourselves."

"Just promise me no makeovers."

"Oh come on… how about a pedicure?"

"No, Alice. I don´t think I can handle that kind of stress right now."

She sighed, "Fine. Movies it is."

"Thank you."

True to her word, the Cullen house was quiet and dark when we arrived. But apparently Alice could hear something I couldn´t. "Apparently Rosalie and Emmett are doing some work in the garage."

"Where´s Jasper?"

"Don´t know. But that´s okay. This will be a girl´s night," She chirped.

Good. I had definitely had enough of men for the night.

We settled onto the couch and picked out a few good Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. To my amazement, they still had some human food lying around the house, so I snacked on popcorn and soda, and soon our attention switched from television to gossip. Amazingly, even as a vampire, she had a better understanding of the social web at Forks High School than I ever could. I think that within two hours, I had come to know of every single relationship including all of the fights and the makeups.

Jasper very suddenly appeared, looking rather disheveled, like he had just run a marathon. He looked at Alice and then me, and then smiled. "Hi Bella. What are you doing here?"

Alice spoke up before I could, "Just hanging out tonight… Everything okay?"

He smiled very lightly, it was so very small I´m not even sure it happened. "Hey… It´s alright. You girls enjoy yourselves. I´m going to head upstairs."

"You can join us if you want," I offered. "It was supposed to be a girl´s night, but I think we can make an exception."

"Thanks anyway Bella, but I have some business to attend to." And before I could blink, he was out of the room again.

"That was weird," I thought out loud.

"Yeah… Can you hold on a second? I just need to ask Jasper something."

"Oh… Yeah, okay. Sure."

She very slowly made her way up the stairs, almost at a human´s pace. It was her face that really caught my attention. Why did she look so tense?

Of course I had no hope of eavesdropping on a couple of vampires, so I let it slide. Maybe Alice and Jasper had gotten into a fight as well. I sure hoped it wasn´t something serious.

But two minutes later, Alice was back and has happy as ever. "Sorry about that. Poor Jasper has been so stressed lately."

"Why is that?"

"Oh… you know how he is. He´s just trying really hard to get a hold on his instincts."

I frowned, "Should I leave?"

"No, no, of course not. I just meant in general."

"Oh…" Then I almost laughed at myself. "It´s so stupid… I thought you guys were fighting or something. I´ll bet you guys never fight."

She seemed surprised. "Well, not now of course, but sure we fight. Who doesn´t?"

"Yeah… I guess you´re right. It´s still hard to imagine. Your relationship seems so… sweet."

She smiled sweetly, in that way only a woman in love can smile. I wondered if I ever looked like that when I thought of Edward. "Yes, it is, but it can be difficult at times. We just learn how to compromise."

Compromise… I guess that´s what Jacob had been getting at before. He wanted to sleep with me but was willing to settle for something else. Was it possible that I was just overreacting to this whole mess? "I hope you don´t mind me asking… What kind of compromises?"

"Oh, the usual. He wants to go to Italy for the summer and I want to go to Greece for the summer, so we split up time so we can do both. That kind of stuff."

Well, not very relatable on my part. "Why do you ask?" Alice asked, "Don´t tell me you´ve been fighting with Jacob."

"Well, no… not really. He was just talking about compromise earlier, so I was curious."

The smile fell from her face, and I could tell by that look in her eye that the wheels in her head were turning, analyzing every move that I made. "How so?"

I gulped, and hoped to God the sound didn´t reach her ears, which wasn´t much to hope for. "Just… stuff, relationship stuff… He can get really intense sometimes."

Definitely the wrong thing to say. I would have bitten off my own tongue if I knew how. Her eyes got a little bigger, "Bella… Now seriously, did something happen today? Did Jacob hurt you?"

Oh crap. That spark in her eye could only mean she was out for blood. I stuttered, "No… maybe… I don´t know. Oh, maybe I´m just being a baby about it."

"Bella, for God´s sake, tell me what happened. You´re scaring me."

I tried to pass it off as nonchalantly as I could muster, "Why are you freaking out about this?"

"How can you even ask me that?" She asked, jumping to her feet. "You call me up late at night, crying on the phone, wanting to hang out. When I find you, you´re scared half to death. Now you´re asking me about compromises and insinuating that something happened with Jacob, who I happen to know can have quite the temper. What do you expect me to think?"

The way she hovered over me, it felt like I was being interrogated, like she knew what I had done and just wanted me to confess. Tears fell from my eyes again and I could see the guilt shroud her face instantly. She sank down next to me and took my hands in hers. "Oh, Bella, please don´t cry. You know I just fear for you. I just don't… Ugh!"

"What?"

She sighed deeply, "I know you probably don´t want to hear it, but I think you should know… I don´t think you should be with him. I don´t like the way he looks at you like you are his property, or how he is making you stay away from us."

"You know about that?"

"Yeah…" She said forlornly, "Edward told me, and I have to admit I´m as pissed off at the situation as you are. You´re my best friend. Why shouldn´t I be able to see you?"

I smiled and pulled her into a hug. "Oh Alice, you know I would never be able to stay away from you for long."

"Yeah, but you agreed to stay away."

"So much for that. I´m right here. There´s no way I could stay away."

She smiled, "I´m glad… But what about Edward?"

Everything always came back to him, it seemed, and my heart ached at the reminder of that morning. "It´s just as well I don´t see him anymore."

"Don´t say that, Bella. He was really upset."

"I know, I know. He´s been great, really. It´s just hard to be on friendly terms with him after breaking up. I was a fool to think we could somehow be friends."

Alice rubbed my back. "You know you mean a lot to him, right? Your friendship is very important to him and I think it just kills him sometimes to think that you don´t know that."

I turned and looked at her in the eyes. All the walls I had put up around myself were crumbling right before her, and I couldn´t keep my mouth shut as the tears fell. "You know I still love him, don´t you?"

Without hesitation, she nodded, and then I dissolved into sobs. She held me tight and let me cry to my heart´s content. All the past months of loneliness and heartache just fell out of me like that. Ever since that September, I had been hiding this pain from everyone I knew, trying to make believe that the feelings would just vanish. Turns out there were inside me the whole time.

From every inch of me, there emerged all the pain and confusion that had built up in me, not only in the past day, or even the past month, but ever since that moment where Edward left me alone in the forest, promising to never see me again. All the hatred, love, frustration, longing, desperation and lost hope poured from me, through every pore in my body and onto her fashion designer clothes.

Still I knew, in spite of this comfort, that these weren´t the arms I needed most.

To be continued…

**Probably biggest delay of my life. Who would have thought that as soon as I think things are going to get easier, they get exponentially harder? Well, I´m into my second year of my Master´s degree program, which is going to be the hardest year of my professional life, probably, so maybe I shouldn´t be so surprised. Anyways, sorry for the delay.**

**I know this chapter was rather intense. It was intense for me to write as well. I needed something else to torture poor Bella and this was the best way I could think of to help move the story along. On top of that, I´ve always had a problem with Bella´s character in the real stories, being totally accepting of anyone that tried to manipulate her, especially Jacob, so a good part of how I treat her these days is based on how I envision her total irrational behavior with men. **

**So I bet you´re wondering what happened to Edward. Next chapter! Let´s see how fast I can get it out this time! Stay tuned and please review to remind me to write! **


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